difficult to love

i’m in a writing mood where i have no fucking idea what to say but i know i want to write.

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Wishes

I dont just want him to picture me naked.I wish he would try to imagine me bathed in morning sun slight,

Sleepy lids half closed

Warm light cascading over soft skin.

Try to feel how delicate my body might be fresh out of the shower.

Or how the steam from morning tea or coffee might hide my eyes from his.

The way my hair falls past my shoulders,

Giving way to gentle curves and slender hips.

To picture how my eyes light up with my smile; bright and full of life.

I wish his chest would ache at the thought of tears falling down my face;

leaving a trail to sad and disheartened eyes.

I wish i could give myself to you and that you would be open to me.

That i could have you too.

If even for a moment.

Hold you and have you look into my eyes so that you could see me.

Really see me.

Understand what was going through my head and get it all down too.

I wish that even in the dark you would find me beautiful.

Not just in looks but in thinking too.

That when you imagine all the roads and highways of thought in my head,

The train wrecks and five mile pile ups that happens there,

You found it beautiful and sensical too.

I wish that i could have you.

I wish that i could give myself to you.

If im honest with myself this is about Zach. But to be fair it is also just about what i want in general from someone someday soon. Maybe.

Also he said today when asked why he didnt want a girlfriend and “dont you want sex?” He said “ive had plenty of sex. And that just isnt what im looking for right now”

And sometimes the way he looks at me or looks in my eyes i cant tell what hes seeing there if he sees anything or what hes thinking either and it bugs me so much it drives me crazy. Ugh.

what is love to him

i asked him once if he had ever been in love.

he said he felt your life was probably pretty dull if you hadn’t experienced something like it by the time you turned 20.

now, i wonder how it felt to him.

was it a calm, warm, and fuzzy feeling?

or chaotic and hot?

did it steady him in his footing,

or drag him loose under the waves, lost in the turbulence?

if he could experience that kind of love again,

would he run to it?

Or ease himself back in slowly.

Testing the waters first with a toe,

Then gradually easing himself in the water,

Until it covers his face just below the nose?

I wonder if he would describe the waters as dark and opaque

or if he imagines it more as a clear and shimmering blue?

What did love feel like to him?

Is it different now than back then?

Bangerz.

The bright florescent lights from the grocery store glow behind him, creating his dark silhouette in front of me. ┬áHe has his hands balled lazily in his pockets while he leans on the front of his car. The hood of his work sweatshirt is pulled up and over his green beanie; only moments earlier I poked fun at him, “Look at how thug you look with your hood like that!” as we walked out of work.

He’s watching me scroll through my playlist, a mix of songs I compiled under one word: Bangerz. I can see the outline of his smirk – the crinkle in his eyes, the laugh lines deepening as he watches me make a fool of myself in the poorly lit parking lot – while he endures my subjecting him to 679 by Fetty Wap, Kiss Me Thru the Phone by Souja Boy, and Ben Fold’s rendition of Bitches Ain’t Shit. He’s laughing at me-no with me, as I’m laughing at myself too.

We’re nearing the end of this interaction. He asks if the car I drove to work is my new one, straightening up from the hood of his car.

“No,” I say. “It’s my sisters. I have it while she’s in Florida. Which reminds me! I was meaning to ask you this but kept forgetting so here it is now” his right eyebrow raises and the corner of his mouth lifts up in an almost comical expression of ‘oh really? What is it now?’ “Can you pick me up for work and drop me off after work next Saturday?”

He tosses his head back dramatically, like I’m asking him a bigger favor than it is, but he can’t fully wipe off the smile from his face.

“Do you know how much longer my drive is going to be if I do that?!” he whines.

I laugh at him and say “What? Like five minutes?! C’mon please?” I beg a little.

He tilts his head back a little and looks at me, his face now set in mock defeat and a lazy half smile. “Yeah, ok. I can do that. Next Saturday?”

“Yep! Next Saturday. Thank you Zach.” I give him a big grin. I’m sure he shakes his head as he laughs at me.

I like to think maybe while I was jamming to those bangers in front of him all he could think about was what a cute dork I am. How pretty he might’ve thought I looked bathed in the streetlights of the parking lot while I did a terrible pseudo-dance to terrible rap music. How maybe he wished there was more time for us.

Other important things he said today:

I took off my glasses at one point and he came up as back up cashier and when he was done with the customer he turned and saw they were gone and said “Wow I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without glasses on before. You look alright.” And gave a quick nod of approval.

Later under similar circumstances, I had just come back from lunch and had been upstairs in the breakroom which is currently being remodeled. I was sitting in a booth seat covered in sawdust and hadn’t thought about what that might mean for my black pants. Zach, sly dog he is, as he’s turning to leave the check stand, goes, “Don’t take this to be inappropriate, but the backside of your pants are covered in dirt.” I just laughed and explained to him as I myself realized why that happened. I think I thanked him too for pointing it out.

I tend to be a pretty sassy lady, especially when we’re nearing closing because it’s been a long day and I’m tired. I can’t remember what it is that I said that prompted this comment, but he said something along the lines of, “wow, don’t hang around Naomi too much around closing; her fangs come out.” and i laughed and apologized and said something like I was working on being less mean and he said “No, keep it. It’s good” while his face was plastered in his signature Smirk of Approval because I swear to God that’s the only type of facial expression he makes; some kind of a smirk.

And that is Zach. The original Cute Coworker. And that is the most recent “development” if you could call it that.