Putting someone on a pedestal is never a good idea.
Putting someone older than you on a pedestal when you’re 17? A horrible idea.
Going on to pursue a weird pseudo relationship with them for 4 months after nearly a year of skating around each other? A million times worse.
You get let down. reminded that they’re only human. That you’re only as interesting as the frequency that you sext and text them with.
Once that starts dwindling?
They keep up the sweet talk. The nice words. Hell, im sure he even believed himself when he said those things, too.
But when it comes down to it?
I think, subconsciously, all he wanted was to fuck me. All he cared about was sexting. Me sending him nudes. Helping him get off. A fun little fantasy for the later hours of the night.
But then again, I have self worth issues. Thanks to a guy who literally did exactly that to me a few years ago. So maybe I’m biased and projecting. Let that be clearly stated.
He keeps referring to me in a round about ways as a “friend” (I think to help make himself feel better about what happened).
Like that’s all we were.
Like he didn’t say numerous times that if circumstances were different, our relationship would be too.
I don’t know, maybe this is me being an over sentimental and naive “teenage” girl, but that seems to imply some pretty deep emotional feelings towards, me right?
Except maybe when he said that, what he meant was, “if we lived closer, man, we could just like… bang ALL THE TIME. Can you imagine how great that would be, pal?”
He told me he hadn’t let himself get this close with anyone in a really long time.
I told him I’d only gotten close like this with one other person and he knew how that ended. Most of the gory details anyway. (See: me projecting my fears and insecurities from a previous relationship.)
How would you read that?
To me, I read that as, “wow, i think he really loves me, too.”
But i guess maybe i was projecting. I guess maybe my silly, emotional, teenage girl brain was having too much fun in the driver’s seat.
Maybe when he said that to me, what he really meant was, “wow, you know I don’t usually talk to the girls i fuck this often! This is pretty neat!”
But that sounds silly too, right?
Especially if he’s as mature and insightful as i thought he was? As he projects himself to be?
Like that’s some immature frat boy shit.
But that’s the only other way i can imagine being able to read those comments in a way that wasn’t emotionally charged. And i just find it hard to believe that that’s the truth.
He can keep saying over and over again that “we were never serious” and “i never wanted to hurt you” and “i respect you too much to lead you on” to make himself feel better.
But all that serves to do is gaslight my experience and invalidate my emotions. And it’s a downright lie. And he knows that, deep down underneath his victim complex (something we all have, to be fair, especially when we aren’t working to keep it in check).
But then, the way he’s acted, the choice he made?
I find it hard to believe he loved me at all.
Maybe he was confused.
Still, would have been nice to know that he was struggling with deciding if he liked fucking me or talking to me more if that’s the case.
That’s why i feel like all he cared about was sexting.
Why else would it be so easy for him to change his mind, to decide waiting a month to tell me and our weird relationship goodbye in a mutual and respectful way was just too much? And when that was his idea in the first place?
Why couldn’t he tell the girl he’s interested in now that he likes her, but he has a complicated situation he has to work out before they can start being serious?
That would have been the noble thing to do.
That would have been the respectful, loving thing to do.
And he didn’t.
To me, that says that he doesn’t think me or our relationship was important or meaningful enough to give me the decency of that kind of closure.
But maybe I’m being a hopelessly romantic teenage girl again. Maybe that’s a big, selfish thing for me to ask from someone I thought really loved me, too. Maybe I’m just being unreasonable. Wouldn’t be the first time anyway.
And there’s still a third way to interpret all this that I can think of.
Maybe he’s really, really good at keeping relationships with people in these neat boxes, and in his head, “friends with benefits” is a perfectly fine and neat box. And maybe that’s the box I was in.
Maybe my hurt feelings are a genuine surprise to him, because it simply just did not occur that maybe I’m not good at that.
Maybe i SUCK at keeping those kind of emotional boundaries. At having these neat lines in the sand and doing a phenomenal job at keeping the wind and waves from ruining them.
Maybe he really didn’t think i was in love with him.
I find that possible, but not probable.
Because that would be inconsistent with the earlier repeated phrases of his.
How can you say those things (many, many times by the way) and keep those sandy little lines neat and tidy like that? I don’t think you can. Unless your employing some SERIOUS emotional suppression and dissociation tactics.
And, even if he IS Just That Good, it doesn’t change the fact I told him I was concerned about our relationship. That i didn’t like how it was confusing and weird. That it was making me uncomfortable. That i wanted boundaries.
If you were involved with someone and they told you that, how would you read it?
Maybe I just truly am a Superior Human Being when compared to everyone else in terms of compassion/empathy, but to me, that reads very clearly as,
“Fuck, she’s feeling pretty insecure about this. I think she probably doesn’t feel good about being involved in something that isn’t defined with clear expectations. Maybe we should do something different.”
And when i expressed wanting boundaries that first time?
They lasted a week and a half.
Because he wore me down.
And suddenly we were sexting every night again. And things were at the same level of weird and confusing as before.
That was incredibly selfish on his part, let me just say that. (I’ve tried not to be overly accusatory in this but that one needs to be clearly stated as what it is.)
But maybe I’m completely wrong with all these assumptions and theories. Maybe it’s actually something completely, entirely different all together. At the end of the day, I don’t know. Maybe it isn’t my business to.
One more thing.
I think he genuinely thought and believed that, regardless of how things ended with us, it would be amicably. And it would end with us returning immediately to “just friends”.
But if you’ll remember, in my mind, he was on this pedestal. He was the first Great Guy i knew.
There was never a moment of our relationship where my side was “just friends”.
And even if there was?
You cant end a relationship (clearly defined or not) with someone you were in love with, and immediately go head first into being BESTIES! again. That’s not how grieving or break ups work. That’s not how healthy human beings work.
I haven’t talked to him about any of this.
Im grappling with the idea that “he doesn’t deserve to know what I’m thinking and feeling anymore”.
But the thing is, I’m a Virgo, and Virgo’s thrive off of telling people how they fucked up and how they can be better like nothing else. I have a weird thing with always wanting to make sure people who wronged me know exactly where, when, what time of day, and how they did it.
(Hence this incredibly long post where I essentially broke down every possible side of this situation from his perspective in an attempt to find some sort of sense in all of it. If you’re wondering, I haven’t found any other than that he might be much more one sided and insensitive than I was willing to let myself believe. *cough cough* pedestal *cough cough*)
I think that’s all for tonight.
Well, if someone stuck with this GIRAFFE of a post from a reeling and confused 19 year old girl, you’re amazing! I hope it was entertaining? Or maybe you could find a lesson in this? Or something?
Goodnight, my empty, quiet, neglected little blog.
Letters For the Future 