i’m in a writing mood where i have no fucking idea what to say but i know i want to write.
March 19th, 2017:
i dont like feeling like a kid and i feel like a kid
i felt like my dad today.
i have a problem. that problem is self esteem. and confidence. and know what i do and dont deserve and making choices that reflect that in a positive way.
I don’t know where I should start. I haven’t journaled in a while.
So maybe I should say hello? Act like this is my first entry, start over.
Alright so i had my first real hook up this week. It was on monday with this guy wjo is two years older and i could tell that more than half of the stuff he told me was lies?? Like he was tryna tell me that he never hooks up with people so this was a new thing for him too and shit like that to try and make me feel more comfortable with hooking up with him?
Had i not already had my mind made up that it was gona be a one and done thing i probably wouldve been more like “lol yeah ok sure” and made it clear i wasnt eating his bs cuz like boy really? But since i already had my mind made up i figured it really didnt matter in the long run all that mattered was i got my meaningless hookup.
Anyway it was a solid 4/10 experience. I think deep down hes probably a sweet guy but i can tell he thinks about all the different angles and ways people see and think about him which really trips him up and so hes manipulative to try and make sure i saw him the way he wanted to be seen.
And he got really caught up and dedicated to getting me to squirt?? But im not a squirter and tried to tell him that but he DID NOT let up and so it felt good and everything but it was like. Boring after a while. The parts that were the best were definitely when we were grinding fuckin hell.
But more than anything i just kinda noticed how it was NOTHING like it was with doug. At all. Doug sent shivers down my spine with every touch and sound and drove me mad with how good it felt. And i think it just had something to do with the chemistry doug and i had compared to the complete lack of it that i had with this other guy. And its not really that its made me miss doug again. More just like… solidified the idea that im glad he was ultimately my first because i got to have a really good positive first time and experience that honestly has helped make me pretty confident with my ability in bed and stuff. And it also just kinda helped me appreciate myself more because i was worried at times that the thing that happened with doug was a sign that ill fall for anyone who gives me attention. But thats clearly not the case considering that this guy was 10x more affectionate than doug ever was, like there was cuddling after and lots of sweet kisses and hand holding and things like that and it was nice. But it also wasnt enough. And it wasnt what i wanted from him ultimately. And yeah. I feel better about how i seem to be approaching love and relationships now i guess?
Like im not as worried now that im super super desperate and ill fall back into a thing like Doug again super easily. I am a bit disappointed tho that i may be the kind of person who needs to have a connection with someone to actually enjoy the sex tho thats kinda saddening like damn really closes some doors for me lol but at the end of the day it means not anyone is going to be able to get me enveloped in them super easily.
The only problem now is that this guy is still sending me snaps and wont let up and i havent responded since that night omg he wants to hook up again but like ehhh nah bro thanks tho. So this’ll be interesting in the follow weeks or days. I hope its only days.
i feel like i don’t fit here. at the dinner table, in this house. There’s a place set for me, a room upstairs for me but it doesn’t feel like I fit here.
sometimes i don’t even feel like i fit with Emily. sometimes I don’t feel like I fit anywhere. and it just hurts. the holidays opens up such a big gap in me. one that i can usually stuff full of other things and people. but you’re supposed to be with your family during the holidays, so i can’t escape it. i can’t just hide from it. even though these people really don’t feel like my family.
i felt like some kind of caged animal tonight.
“gather round, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! it’s the angsty-for-no-reason teen!!! if you can get her to crack her frosty exterior you win 20 tickets!”
i’m not some stupid fucking show.
i’m not just some challenge for you to win and crack.
i’m an actual human having a really hard time finding out how she fits into this “happy family” picture when there are two extra people here.
i’m the odd one out. emily has her boyfriend. chloe has her boyfriend. who do i have now?
it used to be emily but now it’s no one. i have no one.
it’s so small and so stupid but it started with emily not wanting to wrap my presents with me. and we’ve usually done that every year as an excuse to be just ourselves and she didn’t do it this year because “i’m a horrible wrapper!” but i know it was just because she wanted to spend as much time with him as possible.
and chloe’s boyfriend is constantly at the house. staying the night and taking up space. and he fits better than i do. they both do. how can they both fit better than me when i’ve been here 17 years?? when theyve only both just showed up three months ago??
and what makes it ok for them to think they know whats going on in my head? for chloe’s boyfriend to say “are all teenagers this angry? cuz my brother is too.”
what makes it ok for emily’s boyfriend to insist on getting a photo with me even though i’m clearly not interested? what about doing that is going to make me feel less like the side show attraction who’s apparently just mad and angsty for no reason? who’s apparently just mad because she’s just a teenager? who will supposedly just grow out of this in a few years?
i’m not interested in hearing your stupid sex related jokes that you make because our mom likes them or because you started a dumb competition to make each other blush as much as possible. I’m not interested in watching you be all over each other. i’m not interested in watching strangers get more genuine love, affection, and attention than i ever have in this house. i’m sorry but that just doesn’t sound like a fun thing for me to participate in.
it just hurts. and it sucks feeling like i’m falling back to where i was three years ago. and it sucks feeling like i don’t fit anywhere. it sucks feeling like i don’t have a real family. it sucks coming home to a house that’s so quiet and full of strangers. and it sucks. it just fucking sucks. and i’m so so tired of feeling this way.
i’m tired of having sad christmases. i’m tired of not being happy.
I know i said things on my end would be ok if you decided us being friends wasnt in your best interest rn. And mostly thats still true. But right now I hate it. I hate not wanting to talk to you until you can figure your shit out. I hate that i dont feel like i have someone i can spit out my random unconnected thoughts and gibberish to. And it wouldnt be like this if my grandma hadnt passed this week but she did and i would probably be talking to you about this shit but i dont feel like i can and i hate it and i think its so stupid. I dont like you as more than friend. I dont know how to go about convincing lexi this. I do know that i still want you to be my friend. I do know that a large part of me just feels kind of alone right now because all i want is someone to listen and youve been my person for that. And now i dont have it and i dont know what to do and i dont know how much of my grieving is over my grandma and how much of it is over you and i hate it. I hate this situation and i hate how you were so quick to decide to throw me out of your life for a second there on monday. That felt so shitty. It reminded me of all the times i wasnt good enough and all the times i had felt like no one would or could ever really love or appreciate me as a person because i would always some how fuck it up. Because at the end of the day all i am is something pretty look at but still just a bitch inside. I hated that. I hated how you made my chest scrunch up with two stupid words. “We’re done.” I hate how much anger was sitting behind them. I hated it. The whole interaction the whole situation i hate this weird limbo place we’re in now where we both kind of avoid each other but try not to make it obvious. My friendship with you has been one of the most natural and easy things ive ever experienced and i hate that its being ruined by something like this and i hate how i dont feel like i can send this to you while you figure your shit out because it could influence your decision and make you feel bad. I fucking hate feeling like i need to censor myself in regards to you. I hate how i never seem to have my best friend when i really need them to be there. I hate how the only reason we cant be friends is because of a stupid fucking high school relationship and i hate how i cant just say that to you because youve given her a promise ring and plan on marrying her. I fucking hate every side of this situation. I just want to have one of my best friends back. I hate that this has to be so complicated. I hate that my grandma died and that its the week before Christmas. I hate not having you here in my life.
Wrote this about Sam two nights ago when i practically cried myself to sleep because of all this shit happening in my life rn and im not down for like any of this wow.
Like tbh idk that “friend” describes my feelings toward Sam but its definitely not romantic OR sexual. It’s just like we have a really special connection (at least on my end) and like ive never had that before with anyone so even if i DID starting liking him as more one day i wouldnt want to risk what we have now because i like what it is now. I dont have any want or need or desire for it to change.
Ive always been a firm believer that some relationships you make with people cant fit into the predesignated boxes society has set up. Feelings and interactions and relationships are just too complex on both ends for it to be that simple. And my relationship with sam is one of those grey areas so i can see why lexi might be uncomfortable with it but im perfectly comfortable in the not completely clear-ness of our friendship and i dont think i can apologize for it? Like i rarely ever just let myself act based on raw feelings and nit rationalize but i can do that with sam and it hasnt led to any kind of inkling of a romantic feeling which is why im not even remotely worried about things on my end. Its his and hers that could be affected.
I just want to let myself be selfish this one time. I just want to get to keep one of my closest friends for once in my life but please.