March 19th, 2017:

i dont like feeling like a kid and i feel like a kid

i felt like my dad today.

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​What I remember most
Is how cold, dark, and grey the world seemed that month.
I remember the black nights with slick roads reflecting shining street lights in the rain.
I remember chattering teeth and miserable company.
And I remember that despite everything,
I was standing,
Alive and breathing.
Red faced and cold I was alive.
I remember that winter.


I don’t know. Sometimes I just find myself missing moments that haven’t even happened yet; ya know, moments we’ve all dreamed up and moments we’re all waiting for. I suppose it’s probably a more intense want the younger you are, what with so many things left to experience for the first time and so many possibilities.
But then I guess this just means we all have to look forward to those memories that are waiting to be made in our futures. Maybe that’s the ironic part. When you’re optimistic for the future, you’re just waiting to live in the moments and have them be a reality, but when it’s said and done all they’re going to be is a memory anyway. And then you’ll just be waiting for the next moment. People like to say “life is just a series of moments” and they’re right. And we as humans are fundamentally greedy. “More, more, more. Give me more.” But we also want to be able to pick and choose those moments. Few people ask and seek out negative moments. We want our lives to be filled with joy and only good things. And the reality that things are never that good or simple for too long is what leads to us dreaming up these moments that you either sit around waiting for or these moments that you actively seek out.
I want to know what it’s like being legitimately liked back by someone else. I want to know what it’s like to be seen. I want someone out there to want to get to know everything about me, and I mean everything. I want someone to know more about me than me. I want a person; my person.
And what’s been really difficult lately is that I’m worried and feel like there isn’t anyone out there like that for me. That I’m so… abnormal and weird and just… not likeable in that way. That fundamentally no one will ever be able to be attracted to me like that.
There are theories that one of the factors humans choose mates based on is immune system combatability. And my immune system is shot. It’s shit. And it’s not like this is a huge thing that worries me, but it is something I think about sometimes. Something that doesn’t help how I think I shouldn’t be here.
There are too many mysteries to life that we aren’t able to and shouldn’t try to solve. I know this. That’s why I don’t think about that idea too much. I know it could be bullshit. And I know how hard humanity has tried (and yes, failed) to overcome our animalistic nature. So I just try to convince myself that we’re above that by now, as a species. Or at least that there are groups that are.
But still. It’s weird thinking that your body could be rejected by another person subconsciously on both the outside and inside; that someone could reject you on both a physical standpoint and a mental one is just a little… disheartening. Hard to comprehend. I like to think I’m not that bad, that I’m actually pretty great.
But I also feel like I’m a completely annoying know-it-all child.
I don’t know.
I just want to move away from this place. I’m in another limbo stage. The water had finally started moving me with it and now I’m that stuck rock again at the bottom of the stream. Dreaming up and waiting for these moments.
Moments I don’t fully believe I’ll ever get to experience.
Is life really a teacher? Are we actually here to learn anything at all? Is the universe just some huge practical joke and we’re just trying to find meaning in every little speck of dust because the reality that there is not point to any of this is just too morbid?
And if either of those are true, is it even worth contemplating any of this to begin with?
Well the answer is simply no. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth overturning every rock we find to see what’s underneath it; if there even is anything. Because the majority will probably just be barren anyway. And the ones that do have things under them are more than likely too complex for our still inadequate brains to comprehend.
So fuck it. I say fuck it all.
(I say this now but whether or not voicing this realization will have any sort of change on my disposition is yet to be seen).
So, sleep tight world. Keep dreaming up your moments. They’ll come one way or another. And try not to think too hard about the little things.

Its weird. Struggling with something people don’t realize that you struggle with and something that very very few people can ever hope to relate to.
I have to take 3 pills a day to keep my body from killing istelf.
I should have died a year ago.
For the rest of my life, my body is the biggest risk to myself.
Literally for the rest of my life I have to think about and worry and have in the back of my mind the constant worry that my body is attacking itself again. There will never be another day in my life where I can just not think about it at least once.
I have to remember to take my meds. My lung flares up when I exercise.
I have to get my blood checked at least 2x a year, and that’s while I’m doing well. If I’m doing poorly its once a month.
And it fucking sucks.
It sucks that no one realizes I have to deal with this. It sucks that I have to deal with it in the first place. It sucks that this is literally the rest of my life. It sucks that no one can ever understand what I’m going through. It sucks that my condition feels less serious than cancer because its not as aggressive in my case and I can continue living a normal life. It sucks that I haven’t received as much sympathy and it sucks that I feel this was about it because its selfish and stupid.
I always act like its not a big deal. I always try to avoid the subject. It makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know how to talk about it with people or bring it up if I want to. I feel narcissistic if I bring it up. “Oh yeah well at least you don’t have to deal with x”
“My life is hard cuz I have a rare disease”
I don’t know. Its weird. Its almost like its a controversial subject. Its not something that everyone has to figure out how to talk about. When I introduce myself to the future do I start off the bat with “hi, my names Maddy. I have an autoimmune disease.”
Once I’ve gotten to know someone how do you go about bringing it up? I like to think that it isn’t a big part of my life, that it isn’t a defining part of it, but the truth is that it kind of is. Its something I have to deal with on a daily basis, 24/7 for the rest of my life.
What do I do?

Dear 2014,

These whole 12 months we have spent together have resulted in so much self growth that while you were not at all a walk through the park, I don’t hate you. I think you may have even been one of those years that you love because of how shitty you were to me. You were shitty and mean to teach me a lesson and I listened. That’s I think one of the problems with time and years. You always do your best to get us to learn something but often times we simply won’t listen either because of pigheadedness, a fear of change, or ignorance. But this year I listened to you. But not at first.

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