difficult to love

i’m in a writing mood where i have no fucking idea what to say but i know i want to write.

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Past Tense Present Days

He used to tell me that he loved me.

Now i sit here wondering if he ever found me as beautiful as he does his photography.

If the subjects he chooses now would have compared to the way his heart beat when he was with me.

Now i wonder if I’ll ever stop wondering.

Or if my poems can ever fully be rid of his image.

I had a hookup in some guys pickup

Alright so i had my first real hook up this week. It was on monday with this guy wjo is two years older and i could tell that more than half of the stuff he told me was lies?? Like he was tryna tell me that he never hooks up with people so this was a new thing for him too and shit like that to try and make me feel more comfortable with hooking up with him? 
Had i not already had my mind made up that it was gona be a one and done thing i probably wouldve been more like “lol yeah ok sure” and made it clear i wasnt eating his bs cuz like boy really? But since i already had my mind made up i figured it really didnt matter in the long run all that mattered was i got my meaningless hookup.

Anyway it was a solid 4/10 experience. I think deep down hes probably a sweet guy but i can tell he thinks about all the different angles and ways people see and think about him which really trips him up and so hes manipulative to try and make sure i saw him the way he wanted to be seen. 

And he got really caught up and dedicated to getting me to squirt?? But im not a squirter and tried to tell him that but he DID NOT let up and so it felt good and everything but it was like. Boring after a while. The parts that were the best were definitely when we were grinding fuckin hell.

But more than anything i just kinda noticed how it was NOTHING like it was with doug. At all. Doug sent shivers down my spine with every touch and sound and drove me mad with how good it felt. And i think it just had something to do with the chemistry doug and i had compared to the complete lack of it that i had with this other guy. And its not really that its made me miss doug again. More just like… solidified the idea that im glad he was ultimately my first because i got to have a really good positive first time and experience that honestly has helped make me pretty confident with my ability in bed and stuff. And it also just kinda helped me appreciate myself more because i was worried at times that the thing that happened with doug was a sign that ill fall for anyone who gives me attention. But thats clearly not the case considering that this guy was 10x more affectionate than doug ever was, like there was cuddling after and lots of sweet kisses and hand holding and things like that and it was nice. But it also wasnt enough. And it wasnt what i wanted from him ultimately. And yeah. I feel better about how i seem to be approaching love and relationships now i guess? 

Like im not as worried now that im super super desperate and ill fall back into a thing like Doug again super easily. I am a bit disappointed tho that i may be the kind of person who needs to have a connection with someone to actually enjoy the sex tho thats kinda saddening like damn really closes some doors for me lol but at the end of the day it means not anyone is going to be able to get me enveloped in them super easily.

The only problem now is that this guy is still sending me snaps and wont let up and i havent responded since that night omg he wants to hook up again but like ehhh nah bro thanks tho. So this’ll be interesting in the follow weeks or days. I hope its only days.

10 minutes

nine months have passed.

here he is lying in my bed again,

lying through his teeth again

 “i missed us being friends”

he says as i slide his half hard cock down the back of my throat.

my arms and body shook with the anticipation

with nerves

with “wow isn’t this just weird?”

my lips wrap around him slowly

up and down up and down up and down.

i take him back until i hit the base

where pubes tickle at my nose

he’s lost somewhere down my throat,

while what i really want –

the person who i want to be –

is lost somewhere on my floor;

cushioned by my bra.

10 minutes have passed.

he’s finished and i’ve swallowed.

“Do I say thank you?”

he asks.

I shrug.

he leaves.

i’m left.

I felt creative. I read these articles (this one and this one) and it got me thinking about how i haven’t ever really written a graphic poem before. and i wanted to experiment with not only doing that, but also with playing around with different types of formatting. so here’s my first attempt. it’s probably not fantastic haha but like most all of my poems i have select bits that i really like. i want to do more with embracing my experience as a woman and a teenage girl and being a sexual being and being a fragile one at the same time. so here’s my first go at trying to accomplish that.

Is it so much to ask for me to be able to meet or find someone who legitimately falls in love me that I also like? I’m so sick and tired of this bullshit. Of feeling like no one’s going to be able to really love me for whatever reason. And it doesn’t make sense to me. But at the same time having that thought makes me feel arrogant and gross. But literally what is wrong with me that makes guys not actually interested? At least not interested enough to stay around cuz they actually want to be with ME and not just fuck me. Do guys just look at me and see a girl that’s insane? Can they tell that I’m usually teetering on emotionally unstable under the surface? Am I actually just as annoying as I worry that i am? What the fuck.  

I feel mad today. And sick of everything. And sad too because my car is totaled and because I have all these nasty thoughts in my head. 

And I didn’t eat anything today until 7:30 when I got off work and it was only a 6in sub from subway and it was only so that I could spend time with a co-worker and Sam. And until that came up I legitimately was planning on not actually eating for the rest of today. Because it felt good. It’s like have a physical place to put my discomfort and painful feelings is helpful to me. Even though it’s still unheathly. And there were moments I felt like I might vomit and it felt like that might not actually be such a bad thing. And I don’t like that I still think that way. Or that I still restrict my eating like this. But at the end of the day I don’t care enough to try and fix it for me. Not yet anyway. 

And I talked to Jared today for the first time in three weeks and it was really just because we ended up walking home together. And I mentioned he never texted me back in a casual way and he apologized and literally said “oh yeah cuz we haven’t talked in a while have we?”

Like ok dude cool glad to know you haven’t been thinking about me at all. Like not even because i may or may not have liked you more because i thought we were friends??? But I guess once school started and you had all these girls on your ass again it was like “ok so don’t need a distraction anymore I can focus on who I actually want to” like fuck you dude jesus fucking Christ like you don’t have to lie about wanting to be my friend if you aren’t even interested in hanging out maybe fucking say something instead of making me feel like a dumb fucktard thanks.

And I’m pissed off and sad cuz more than anything I’d like to have been able to get off work today and text or call a guy who actually liked me and cared about me and have him to talk to and whatever and instead I get Doug who’s just looking to sext and that’s literally the last thing I want. I just want someone to care about me and to hold me in my worst moments and for it to not just be Sam. Because even though he reacted perfectly to me crying in his car he isn’t mine and I also don’t even like him that way anyway.

I want someone to kiss my head and shake their head at me and smile when im being an idiot and someone who’ll hold me when I’m having a bad day and someone to cuddle when I just want to relax after a long day or someone to text just because and they don’t even think anything of it. I just want a person of my own. And they don’t have to be a permanent person. They don’t have to be perfect. They just have to genuinely like me and treat me nice and be funny. And I genuinely feel like it isn’t possible for me to find this and it’s so depressing and self esteem shattering to think that the best I’m ever going to be able to do is someone like Doug. I hate Doug and everything about him. And it feels like I’m never going to be able to do better than him. 

Fuck everything.
p.s. I wrote this thirty minutes and my friend Logan just called me out of the blue from college to talk to me. Maybe not fuck everything but definitely most things.

Doug and I are going to have sex this week. Just sex. 

And we’ve sexted twice already.

And after the second time (last night) I figured out my feelings about the situation. And it’s not that I’m not going to enjoy the sex while it happens. Im going to love the sex. It’s just that afterwards I’m going to feel gross. And alone. Because it’s not like I’m having sex with him because I really really want to, it’s because I don’t feel like I have any other options and I’ve decided that something is better than nothing, right?

And I’m already annoyed with him talking to me because everytime it’s pretty much the same. It’s a play to try and get me to sexy him more. And I’m already fed up with it and it’s only been a few days.

Despite realizing all this though I’m still planning on doing it. Even though I know it’s just going to give me gross feelings to deal with in the aftermath and I may end up choosing to do it again and again and again despite better judgement.

He says he missed me but we both know it wasn’t me he missed, what he missed was having something to out his dick into. And at the end of the day I haven’t missed him at all for the last three months so it’s not that it’s really that upsetting in regards to him specifically it’s just a low blow to my self esteem that I’m giving to myself.

Mostly just needed to voice my knowing I’m an idiot before it happens. I’ll let you know how it goes.