Howdy

Hi guys. I haven’t posted in a while. Think we might have some catching up to do.

Hi, my name is Naomi. For those of you who don’t keep up with me regularly (which is likely most if not all of you), and for those of you who do, here is a crash course into who I am currently.

I am almost 18 years old. In one month I will be moving out of my house with my parents in a rural town to move in with my sister in a city somewhat north of Seattle. I am going to be a senior in high school participating in a program in my state called running that allows high school students to gain dual credits while attending a community college. I have hopes to attend a real university in the Carolina’s next year to be closer with my family living on the east coast and to meet new people and expose myself to the different cultures brewing up throughout the US.

I have worked in retail for nearly 2 years and have loved it until recently. Sometimes customer service is incredibly rewarding; the satisfaction that comes with helping people and seeing them be truly thankfuk for your help is an accomplishment all its own. Beyond that, I love every single one of my coworkers. Until one of my friends got promoted to “head cashier” and has since become somewhat of a tyrant. For that, I am thankful to be leaving soon. By the middle of September I should be a licensed and practicing Nurses Assistant working in an assisted livin home. I hope to gain extra training to allow me to work specifically in restorative therapy. Mostly though, I’m in it for the higher paycheck.

When I get to college next year I hope to focus on biology or bio-chem, with minors in neuroscience and/or computer science and/or psychology. Since most of the schools I’m interested in applying to are liberal arts colleges, this actually isn’t too far fetched. I like understanding who people are and why they’re like that, and I think it’s crazy to think that all of it is predetermined and hardwired into the way your brain, a single organ in your body, operates. And I think it’s even crazier how mallelable it can be in new and different situations, and how you can retrain your brain to think and behave differently. I want to understand exactly how it works.

My name is Naomi and I’m not very close with my parents. I feel like a shitty daughter most of the time for how distant we are but I don’t know what I can or what I’m supposed to do about it. We never were close. Not really. It’s just that now all of a sudden they notice. Now all of a sudden they care even though they didn’t before. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about that.

I have an eating disorder. It usually gets triggered when my family makes me feel like shit. This means that the holidays are a double whammy. I haven’t had a good thanksgiving or a good christmas in probably four years. When it all started, actually. Whenever I feel like a total complete outsider or like I’m feeling too much or feeling inappropriate emotions for a situation, I shut down and numb out by not eating. I let the hunger take over instead. I become zombie like. I drink water and eat minuscule amounts of food throughout the day. This last christmas triggered one of my worst cycles with the disorder in a while. I restricted my eating from January until March, and then from April until June I practiced a lot of bulimic behaviors because I was so terrified of gaining weight but couldn’t control my cravings anymore. Plus, chewing, especially on crunchy things like banana chips, helps my anxiety. It’s like a compulsion when I start. I can’t bring myself to stop and then I feel like the most disgusting, unloveable pig on the planet. And it just triggers more anxiety which triggers either more eating or vomiting. And vomiting always leaves me numb again. Then from June to July I mostly just binged. Constantly. I’ve mostly stopped vomiting because I find it isn’t helpful anymore in what I’m trying to accomplish for myself emotionally. Which is probably still just control. This week though, the first week in August, my mom triggered it for me again. I lost my appetite almost completely. We’ll just have to see where it goes this time. I have been talking to my therapist about getting dedicated and more consistent help and support for this, but we’ll just have to see where I am when I’ve moved out. I’d be more comfortable changing my habits and lifestyle regarding such a sensitive topic as this in the presence of Emily rather than my parents. Go figure.
My name is Naomi and I’ve been questioning my sexuality since February. I always told myself that sexuality is fluid and that it can change depending on where and who you are at the moment in your life. Laregly I still believe this, but I also wonder how much of that was me just trying to leave the door open for me to explore. Sex wth Doug was really good. But all my other sexual encounters have been… subpar. I definitely enjoyed Jared more than Doug, but he didn’t make me feel as good physically. And also… I don’t know how much I like straight sex? I stopped masturbating after the whole sexting with Doug thing happened twice (from October to November and then again from February to April). And even then, those were pretty much the only times I masturbated. And I haven’t been interested at all in sex unless a person is physically in front of me since that. And even then, it’s kind of a long shot. The main reason Jared and I ended up fucking was because we were drunk. 

I wonder if I have sex and go after guys more becuase I’m trying to convince myself that I’m straight than because I actually like them. I wonder if maybe I have such an extreme case of internalized homophobia that I seek out attention from men to try and persuade myself that that’s what I want. “See? Isn’t it nice to feel validated? To feel hot and sexy?” Maybe that’s why I have such a fucked relationship with men and relationships. Because I know deep down that I don’t want a man at all. 

I have a hard time deciding if a guy is “hot” in my eyes. All my friends can look at one and instantly tell me if he’s cute or not and why. It’s a lot harder for me. I have to really look and pick. Maybe it’s because I’m just not that “superficial”. But maybe it’s because I’m gay.

There was a girl on one of my tours for a college today. She was really pretty. Gorgeous. She smiled at me a few times. We ended up talking at the end of the tour while we walked with our mom’s to the gift shop / book store. She was super cute, from Kentucky, and nice. I wish I had asked her name. And thinking about her gives me these excited butterflies? Especially when I think about how she was looking at me and then smiled when I made eye contact. And on the drive back up to Virginia, I was thinking about her, and about all of this, and if my mom hadn’t been in the car with me I would have broke down crying. Because what if I really am gay? What if I’m a lesbian and I’ve been lying to myself and to my friends for all these years? Would they look at me the same? Or would they get paranoid whenever I showed them affection, thinking I secretly just wanted to fuck them or I was actually making a move? And what if I’m a lesbian but no girls like me? It’s hard enough feeling like guys find me attractive, but switching over to girls? Standards get higher. There are so many prettier girls than me. 

I feel like maybe I’m just terrified of the implications. I feel like I’m terrified of the possibility I have been lying to myself. Of the possibility that I haven’t had sex with anyone because I actually liked them but because I was trying to prove something to myself. And I’m scared too because what if I’m doing all this questioning, and it turns out I am straight? Was I just doing it for attention? To try and jump on the train of people who struggle with internalized homophobia and who are homosexual? All I do is question myself. The car ride tonight left me scared and sad and feeling so lonely.  What if I am actually a lesbian? Does that change how I see myself? How I act or dress? Does it change my philosophies or things I thought were vital to who I was? I don’t know. I haven’t gotten that far yet.

And I’ve always been so much better at creating deep and personally close relationships with women. I’ve only had one deep and close relationship with a guy, Sam, and I’ve beat myself up over why I’m not attracted to him on and off for months. Sometimes I think I trick myself into thinking that I am and then realize again that, no, actually I’m not. And I can’t tell you why. Because from a rational and factual stand point, he would be perfect for me. We would be the perfect couple. We’re honest, communicate well, express ourselves openly to each other on a regular basis, we have fun, and we challenge each other in positive and healthy growth oriented ways. Literally the GOALS OF A MODERN DAY RELATIONSHIP and he is the last person I’m interested in. And I can’t help but wonder if maybe it’s because I’m a lesbian????? How else do you explain being so opposed to dating someone? Or to dating men just in general. With Doug I had a hard time in the beginning with putting a lable on it, with calling him my boyfriend or with saying we were in a relationship. And I don’t know if that would be different for me if I was with girl. If maybe I have such negative feelings about it because I know deep down that I don’t want to be with a guy. 

I don’t know. There’s a lot of things I don’t know right now, but I’m trying to figure it out. 

Thanks for reading, if you did. I appreciate it.

Past Tense Present Days

He used to tell me that he loved me.

Now i sit here wondering if he ever found me as beautiful as he does his photography.

If the subjects he chooses now would have compared to the way his heart beat when he was with me.

Now i wonder if I’ll ever stop wondering.

Or if my poems can ever fully be rid of his image.

Dear Baby,

I thought I had almost created you this last week. I thought I somehow hadn’t been careful enough the last time and that something happened and you had been conceived.

I’m glad that you weren’t. Please don’t take that the wrong way. But I’m not ready for that. And I honestly have no idea what I would have done if forced into making some kind of decision.

Because for those few days I was forced to think about the What If’s behind my period being two weeks late, I knew that I would have loved you more than anything else in the world I have ever thought that I loved. I knew that to have you only to give you up to another family who could better care for you would kill me. I would never be able to sleep if I couldn’t actively be your mother. If I couldn’t hold you and shower you with love and make sure that you always felt wanted and safe. So, so loved.

Baby, if I had been pregnant you would have given the word love a whole new meaning for me. I would feel in my entire being the fiercest of affection for you, little one. And it would have killed me because despite that intense love I feel for you, I would have seriously considered an abortion…

And I will be honest with you Baby, because I really do love you, and I try to make a point of being honest with those that I love, but despite how deeply my love would be for you, I would more than likely have opted for the abortion. And Baby, that would have killed me. I would have written you a letter nearly exactly like this one, trying to make sure that you knew how deeply I cared for you, but I had been forced to make an incredibly tough decision and I had chosen to do what was best.

And I know that had certain people somehow found that letter (or even this one), they would say I couldn’t possibly have loved you enough, because if I had I would have carried you to term. I would have brought you into this world for better or for worse. But Baby, if ever this happens, I would ask you to not listen to those hate filled voices. If I ever did have to make that decision it would be the hardest decision of my life. It would be made delicately and I would think of you every day for the rest of my life. I would wonder what we might have done that day or where we might be if I had gone through with it. I would wonder what your favorite food would be, if you would have my nose or your dad’s, if you would like reading or watching movies more. I’d wonder what kinds of things would place a gentle flutter in your stomach, if mountain sceneries would have excited you the same way they excite me.

Baby, I don’t want you to ever think for a second that just because I decide not to have you that means that I didn’t love you more than I loved anything else. But some things are too hard. And maybe there is one truth to those nasty people who would say I didn’t love you, and that may be that I wasn’t brave enough. Baby, I’m scared of gaining weight. I’m scared of what others would have thought about me. I would have been scared to have to talk to your dad about it, because I don’t really know your dad very well at all. I would have been ashamed to tell my family, not because of you but because of the act that created you and the age that I am. Baby, I would have been terrified, not only of having to make that decision, but about what that would mean if I chose to carry you to term. Sometimes, Baby, fear can speak louder than love. And that is one of the ugliest truths of the world.

Words cannot convey the level and amount of pure affection I felt towards what I thought might have been you these last couple of days. Despite my anxiety and my fear of what it would mean, what shined through that was my love for what would have been you. Baby, if if I became pregnant at the right time, I wouldn’t hesitate to keep you. You would make my world. My world would become you. I can feel it in every fiber of my being how devoted I would be to you, Baby. My mission in life would become making sure you had everything you needed and wanted, it would be to kiss you every day, it would be to tell you that I loved you every night and tuck you into bed. My goal would be to make you laugh always, and to hold your small hands when you were sad and wipe your tears from your little face. I would have made sure you knew how deeply I cared for you. I would have loved you more deeply and seriously than I have ever loved anything before.

Baby, I just wanted you to know that. In case something like this ever happens again but it’s real. I’m glad I didn’t have to make this decision. But I still just needed to say to my Almost Little One: I got a peek at the kind of love I am capable of feeling these last few days, even if it was mixed with pure terror. That love is something I know I will be seeking out now.

Love,

Your Almost Mommy

Love is…

Love is falling off your bike and scraping your knees at seven years old

Tears streaming down your face and stinging through your legs but all you want to do is get back on and go flying down that hill again.

Love is paitent. It waits. It fades. It ebbs and flows. 

Love is the ocean. It gets pulled in and pulled back out day by day. Some days are stronger than others. Some days are weaker.

Love is warm sunshine beaming across soft skin and love is bitter wind whipping your hair around in your face and leaving goosebumps on your skin.

Love is gentle hellos and quiet goodbyes. 

Love is knowing when they aren’t yours, and not making them be.

I had a hookup in some guys pickup

Alright so i had my first real hook up this week. It was on monday with this guy wjo is two years older and i could tell that more than half of the stuff he told me was lies?? Like he was tryna tell me that he never hooks up with people so this was a new thing for him too and shit like that to try and make me feel more comfortable with hooking up with him? 
Had i not already had my mind made up that it was gona be a one and done thing i probably wouldve been more like “lol yeah ok sure” and made it clear i wasnt eating his bs cuz like boy really? But since i already had my mind made up i figured it really didnt matter in the long run all that mattered was i got my meaningless hookup.

Anyway it was a solid 4/10 experience. I think deep down hes probably a sweet guy but i can tell he thinks about all the different angles and ways people see and think about him which really trips him up and so hes manipulative to try and make sure i saw him the way he wanted to be seen. 

And he got really caught up and dedicated to getting me to squirt?? But im not a squirter and tried to tell him that but he DID NOT let up and so it felt good and everything but it was like. Boring after a while. The parts that were the best were definitely when we were grinding fuckin hell.

But more than anything i just kinda noticed how it was NOTHING like it was with doug. At all. Doug sent shivers down my spine with every touch and sound and drove me mad with how good it felt. And i think it just had something to do with the chemistry doug and i had compared to the complete lack of it that i had with this other guy. And its not really that its made me miss doug again. More just like… solidified the idea that im glad he was ultimately my first because i got to have a really good positive first time and experience that honestly has helped make me pretty confident with my ability in bed and stuff. And it also just kinda helped me appreciate myself more because i was worried at times that the thing that happened with doug was a sign that ill fall for anyone who gives me attention. But thats clearly not the case considering that this guy was 10x more affectionate than doug ever was, like there was cuddling after and lots of sweet kisses and hand holding and things like that and it was nice. But it also wasnt enough. And it wasnt what i wanted from him ultimately. And yeah. I feel better about how i seem to be approaching love and relationships now i guess? 

Like im not as worried now that im super super desperate and ill fall back into a thing like Doug again super easily. I am a bit disappointed tho that i may be the kind of person who needs to have a connection with someone to actually enjoy the sex tho thats kinda saddening like damn really closes some doors for me lol but at the end of the day it means not anyone is going to be able to get me enveloped in them super easily.

The only problem now is that this guy is still sending me snaps and wont let up and i havent responded since that night omg he wants to hook up again but like ehhh nah bro thanks tho. So this’ll be interesting in the follow weeks or days. I hope its only days.