Past Tense Present Days

He used to tell me that he loved me.

Now i sit here wondering if he ever found me as beautiful as he does his photography.

If the subjects he chooses now would have compared to the way his heart beat when he was with me.

Now i wonder if I’ll ever stop wondering.

Or if my poems can ever fully be rid of his image.

Dear Baby,

I thought I had almost created you this last week. I thought I somehow hadn’t been careful enough the last time and that something happened and you had been conceived.

I’m glad that you weren’t. Please don’t take that the wrong way. But I’m not ready for that. And I honestly have no idea what I would have done if forced into making some kind of decision.

Because for those few days I was forced to think about the What If’s behind my period being two weeks late, I knew that I would have loved you more than anything else in the world I have ever thought that I loved. I knew that to have you only to give you up to another family who could better care for you would kill me. I would never be able to sleep if I couldn’t actively be your mother. If I couldn’t hold you and shower you with love and make sure that you always felt wanted and safe. So, so loved.

Baby, if I had been pregnant you would have given the word love a whole new meaning for me. I would feel in my entire being the fiercest of affection for you, little one. And it would have killed me because despite that intense love I feel for you, I would have seriously considered an abortion…

And I will be honest with you Baby, because I really do love you, and I try to make a point of being honest with those that I love, but despite how deeply my love would be for you, I would more than likely have opted for the abortion. And Baby, that would have killed me. I would have written you a letter nearly exactly like this one, trying to make sure that you knew how deeply I cared for you, but I had been forced to make an incredibly tough decision and I had chosen to do what was best.

And I know that had certain people somehow found that letter (or even this one), they would say I couldn’t possibly have loved you enough, because if I had I would have carried you to term. I would have brought you into this world for better or for worse. But Baby, if ever this happens, I would ask you to not listen to those hate filled voices. If I ever did have to make that decision it would be the hardest decision of my life. It would be made delicately and I would think of you every day for the rest of my life. I would wonder what we might have done that day or where we might be if I had gone through with it. I would wonder what your favorite food would be, if you would have my nose or your dad’s, if you would like reading or watching movies more. I’d wonder what kinds of things would place a gentle flutter in your stomach, if mountain sceneries would have excited you the same way they excite me.

Baby, I don’t want you to ever think for a second that just because I decide not to have you that means that I didn’t love you more than I loved anything else. But some things are too hard. And maybe there is one truth to those nasty people who would say I didn’t love you, and that may be that I wasn’t brave enough. Baby, I’m scared of gaining weight. I’m scared of what others would have thought about me. I would have been scared to have to talk to your dad about it, because I don’t really know your dad very well at all. I would have been ashamed to tell my family, not because of you but because of the act that created you and the age that I am. Baby, I would have been terrified, not only of having to make that decision, but about what that would mean if I chose to carry you to term. Sometimes, Baby, fear can speak louder than love. And that is one of the ugliest truths of the world.

Words cannot convey the level and amount of pure affection I felt towards what I thought might have been you these last couple of days. Despite my anxiety and my fear of what it would mean, what shined through that was my love for what would have been you. Baby, if if I became pregnant at the right time, I wouldn’t hesitate to keep you. You would make my world. My world would become you. I can feel it in every fiber of my being how devoted I would be to you, Baby. My mission in life would become making sure you had everything you needed and wanted, it would be to kiss you every day, it would be to tell you that I loved you every night and tuck you into bed. My goal would be to make you laugh always, and to hold your small hands when you were sad and wipe your tears from your little face. I would have made sure you knew how deeply I cared for you. I would have loved you more deeply and seriously than I have ever loved anything before.

Baby, I just wanted you to know that. In case something like this ever happens again but it’s real. I’m glad I didn’t have to make this decision. But I still just needed to say to my Almost Little One: I got a peek at the kind of love I am capable of feeling these last few days, even if it was mixed with pure terror. That love is something I know I will be seeking out now.

Love,

Your Almost Mommy

Love is…

Love is falling off your bike and scraping your knees at seven years old

Tears streaming down your face and stinging through your legs but all you want to do is get back on and go flying down that hill again.

Love is paitent. It waits. It fades. It ebbs and flows. 

Love is the ocean. It gets pulled in and pulled back out day by day. Some days are stronger than others. Some days are weaker.

Love is warm sunshine beaming across soft skin and love is bitter wind whipping your hair around in your face and leaving goosebumps on your skin.

Love is gentle hellos and quiet goodbyes. 

Love is knowing when they aren’t yours, and not making them be.

I had a hookup in some guys pickup

Alright so i had my first real hook up this week. It was on monday with this guy wjo is two years older and i could tell that more than half of the stuff he told me was lies?? Like he was tryna tell me that he never hooks up with people so this was a new thing for him too and shit like that to try and make me feel more comfortable with hooking up with him? 
Had i not already had my mind made up that it was gona be a one and done thing i probably wouldve been more like “lol yeah ok sure” and made it clear i wasnt eating his bs cuz like boy really? But since i already had my mind made up i figured it really didnt matter in the long run all that mattered was i got my meaningless hookup.

Anyway it was a solid 4/10 experience. I think deep down hes probably a sweet guy but i can tell he thinks about all the different angles and ways people see and think about him which really trips him up and so hes manipulative to try and make sure i saw him the way he wanted to be seen. 

And he got really caught up and dedicated to getting me to squirt?? But im not a squirter and tried to tell him that but he DID NOT let up and so it felt good and everything but it was like. Boring after a while. The parts that were the best were definitely when we were grinding fuckin hell.

But more than anything i just kinda noticed how it was NOTHING like it was with doug. At all. Doug sent shivers down my spine with every touch and sound and drove me mad with how good it felt. And i think it just had something to do with the chemistry doug and i had compared to the complete lack of it that i had with this other guy. And its not really that its made me miss doug again. More just like… solidified the idea that im glad he was ultimately my first because i got to have a really good positive first time and experience that honestly has helped make me pretty confident with my ability in bed and stuff. And it also just kinda helped me appreciate myself more because i was worried at times that the thing that happened with doug was a sign that ill fall for anyone who gives me attention. But thats clearly not the case considering that this guy was 10x more affectionate than doug ever was, like there was cuddling after and lots of sweet kisses and hand holding and things like that and it was nice. But it also wasnt enough. And it wasnt what i wanted from him ultimately. And yeah. I feel better about how i seem to be approaching love and relationships now i guess? 

Like im not as worried now that im super super desperate and ill fall back into a thing like Doug again super easily. I am a bit disappointed tho that i may be the kind of person who needs to have a connection with someone to actually enjoy the sex tho thats kinda saddening like damn really closes some doors for me lol but at the end of the day it means not anyone is going to be able to get me enveloped in them super easily.

The only problem now is that this guy is still sending me snaps and wont let up and i havent responded since that night omg he wants to hook up again but like ehhh nah bro thanks tho. So this’ll be interesting in the follow weeks or days. I hope its only days.

Wishes

I dont just want him to picture me naked.I wish he would try to imagine me bathed in morning sun slight,

Sleepy lids half closed

Warm light cascading over soft skin.

Try to feel how delicate my body might be fresh out of the shower.

Or how the steam from morning tea or coffee might hide my eyes from his.

The way my hair falls past my shoulders,

Giving way to gentle curves and slender hips.

To picture how my eyes light up with my smile; bright and full of life.

I wish his chest would ache at the thought of tears falling down my face;

leaving a trail to sad and disheartened eyes.

I wish i could give myself to you and that you would be open to me.

That i could have you too.

If even for a moment.

Hold you and have you look into my eyes so that you could see me.

Really see me.

Understand what was going through my head and get it all down too.

I wish that even in the dark you would find me beautiful.

Not just in looks but in thinking too.

That when you imagine all the roads and highways of thought in my head,

The train wrecks and five mile pile ups that happens there,

You found it beautiful and sensical too.

I wish that i could have you.

I wish that i could give myself to you.

If im honest with myself this is about Zach. But to be fair it is also just about what i want in general from someone someday soon. Maybe.

Also he said today when asked why he didnt want a girlfriend and “dont you want sex?” He said “ive had plenty of sex. And that just isnt what im looking for right now”

And sometimes the way he looks at me or looks in my eyes i cant tell what hes seeing there if he sees anything or what hes thinking either and it bugs me so much it drives me crazy. Ugh.