I took the maximum number of laxitive suggested. I feel sick. My stomach feels hot and i feel clamy and like i could puke. 

I gained four pounds this week from being bloated and on my period and not being again to handle my cravings.

All i eat when i do eat is total crap. Junk. Chocolate. Hot dogs (because thats the only food we have in the house). Cheese. 

Thats basically it. But this week i added doughnut holes and mac and cheese because my cramps were so bad i couldnt walk and i woke up at 2am.

I might be subconsciously avoiding my therapist. 

Its scary thinking about working on this. About changing my habits. Yeah i dont like my current methods but its all i have. Its all ive ever had really. And i dont know how to change or get better or what it looks like or if i even can.

And chole and her boyfriend just think im the stereotypical angsty teen whos angry for no reason. He isnt even a part of this family and he gets to quip in with the sardonic comments about how i “look too happy”

I dont know. Its one thing for them to not protect me from each other, but letting an outsider in on it… 

it just doesn’t help anything. It just makes me feel even more of the misfit than i normally do. I know i have a lot of myself to blame for that but he hasn’t even been around a year and its like im the one who should be the stranger in my own house. At Christmas and still today. He fits better than me. 

Ive been secretly hoping maybe i get an ulcer or something. Something to force me to work on my problems for real. But i dont know. 

It gets lonely. I love writing but talking into this virtual notebook gets lonely sometimes. Like right now. I feel like a deflated balloon most of the time.

Infinite.

Last night i drowned in music,

Got lost in imagining infinite infinities

Felt each individual synapse in my head as i thought thoughts i realized were unoriginal 

And realized that to exist in so many infinities

We are so infinitely big and yet so infinitely small

How beautiful to just be,

Infinite.

Timing.

I know i said things on my end would be ok if you decided us being friends wasnt in your best interest rn. And mostly thats still true. But right now I hate it. I hate not wanting to talk to you until you can figure your shit out. I hate that i dont feel like i have someone i can spit out my random unconnected thoughts and gibberish to. And it wouldnt be like this if my grandma hadnt passed this week but she did and i would probably be talking to you about this shit but i dont feel like i can and i hate it and i think its so stupid. I dont like you as more than friend. I dont know how to go about convincing lexi this. I do know that i still want you to be my friend. I do know that a large part of me just feels kind of alone right now because all i want is someone to listen and youve been my person for that. And now i dont have it and i dont know what to do and i dont know how much of my grieving is over my grandma and how much of it is over you and i hate it. I hate this situation and i hate how you were so quick to decide to throw me out of your life for a second there on monday. That felt so shitty. It reminded me of all the times i wasnt good enough and all the times i had felt like no one would or could ever really love or appreciate me as a person because i would always some how fuck it up. Because at the end of the day all i am is something pretty look at but still just a bitch inside. I hated that. I hated how you made my chest scrunch up with two stupid words. “We’re done.” I hate how much anger was sitting behind them. I hated it. The whole interaction the whole situation i hate this weird limbo place we’re in now where we both kind of avoid each other but try not to make it obvious. My friendship with you has been one of the most natural and easy things ive ever experienced and i hate that its being ruined by something like this and i hate how i dont feel like i can send this to you while you figure your shit out because it could influence your decision and make you feel bad. I fucking hate feeling like i need to censor myself in regards to you. I hate how i never seem to have my best friend when i really need them to be there. I hate how the only reason we cant be friends is because of a stupid fucking high school relationship and i hate how i cant just say that to you because youve given her a promise ring and plan on marrying her. I fucking hate every side of this situation. I just want to have one of my best friends back. I hate that this has to be so complicated. I hate that my grandma died and that its the week before Christmas. I hate not having you here in my life.

Wrote this about Sam two nights ago when i practically cried myself to sleep because of all this shit happening in my life rn and im not down for like any of this wow. 

Like tbh idk that “friend” describes my feelings toward Sam but its definitely not romantic OR sexual. It’s just like we have a really special connection (at least on my end) and like ive never had that before with anyone so even if i DID starting liking him as more one day i wouldnt want to risk what we have now because i like what it is now. I dont have any want or need or desire for it to change. 

Ive always been a firm believer that some relationships you make with people cant fit into the predesignated boxes society has set up. Feelings and interactions and relationships are just too complex on both ends for it to be that simple. And my relationship with sam is one of those grey areas so i can see why lexi might be uncomfortable with it but im perfectly comfortable in the not completely clear-ness of our friendship and i dont think i can apologize for it? Like i rarely ever just let myself act based on raw feelings and nit rationalize but i can do that with sam and it hasnt led to any kind of inkling of a romantic feeling which is why im not even remotely worried about things on my end. Its his and hers that could be affected.

I just want to let myself be selfish this one time. I just want to get to keep one of my closest friends for once in my life but please.

Is it so much to ask for me to be able to meet or find someone who legitimately falls in love me that I also like? I’m so sick and tired of this bullshit. Of feeling like no one’s going to be able to really love me for whatever reason. And it doesn’t make sense to me. But at the same time having that thought makes me feel arrogant and gross. But literally what is wrong with me that makes guys not actually interested? At least not interested enough to stay around cuz they actually want to be with ME and not just fuck me. Do guys just look at me and see a girl that’s insane? Can they tell that I’m usually teetering on emotionally unstable under the surface? Am I actually just as annoying as I worry that i am? What the fuck.  

I feel mad today. And sick of everything. And sad too because my car is totaled and because I have all these nasty thoughts in my head. 

And I didn’t eat anything today until 7:30 when I got off work and it was only a 6in sub from subway and it was only so that I could spend time with a co-worker and Sam. And until that came up I legitimately was planning on not actually eating for the rest of today. Because it felt good. It’s like have a physical place to put my discomfort and painful feelings is helpful to me. Even though it’s still unheathly. And there were moments I felt like I might vomit and it felt like that might not actually be such a bad thing. And I don’t like that I still think that way. Or that I still restrict my eating like this. But at the end of the day I don’t care enough to try and fix it for me. Not yet anyway. 

And I talked to Jared today for the first time in three weeks and it was really just because we ended up walking home together. And I mentioned he never texted me back in a casual way and he apologized and literally said “oh yeah cuz we haven’t talked in a while have we?”

Like ok dude cool glad to know you haven’t been thinking about me at all. Like not even because i may or may not have liked you more because i thought we were friends??? But I guess once school started and you had all these girls on your ass again it was like “ok so don’t need a distraction anymore I can focus on who I actually want to” like fuck you dude jesus fucking Christ like you don’t have to lie about wanting to be my friend if you aren’t even interested in hanging out maybe fucking say something instead of making me feel like a dumb fucktard thanks.

And I’m pissed off and sad cuz more than anything I’d like to have been able to get off work today and text or call a guy who actually liked me and cared about me and have him to talk to and whatever and instead I get Doug who’s just looking to sext and that’s literally the last thing I want. I just want someone to care about me and to hold me in my worst moments and for it to not just be Sam. Because even though he reacted perfectly to me crying in his car he isn’t mine and I also don’t even like him that way anyway.

I want someone to kiss my head and shake their head at me and smile when im being an idiot and someone who’ll hold me when I’m having a bad day and someone to cuddle when I just want to relax after a long day or someone to text just because and they don’t even think anything of it. I just want a person of my own. And they don’t have to be a permanent person. They don’t have to be perfect. They just have to genuinely like me and treat me nice and be funny. And I genuinely feel like it isn’t possible for me to find this and it’s so depressing and self esteem shattering to think that the best I’m ever going to be able to do is someone like Doug. I hate Doug and everything about him. And it feels like I’m never going to be able to do better than him. 

Fuck everything.
p.s. I wrote this thirty minutes and my friend Logan just called me out of the blue from college to talk to me. Maybe not fuck everything but definitely most things.

17.

I’m 17 today. And I’m sad.

The wave of depression hit when I was dropping off my friends after they spent the afternoon after school with me.

It wasn’t a bad day. I had fun.

It’s just that underneath all of that I feel so incredibly lost. I love them but I feel like at the end of the day they’re the wrong people. Not the ones I should be with. I wished I’d been able to spend time with Sophie, but she still isn’t really talking to me. She sent me a text today and all it said was happy birthday and that she was working a ton the next two weeks but she’d figure out a way to get me my present. That was it. Nothing else other than a few snapchats.

I’m just so incredibly tired. I’m tired of feeling like I have to work really hard to keep up my relationships with people. I’m tired of that feeling like work to me. I’m tired of my best friend not feeling like my best friend, because I haven’t felt like hers for the last few months. I’m tired of going through motions. I’m tired of my parents trying so hard. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired.

And I wish I could have spent time with Jared. Just cuz it would have been nice to have someone to cuddle, even though we’re not technically a “thing” and I don’t even know how I really feel about him at this point. Today I felt like maybe I was liking him a bit more than usual but I don’t know. I don’t know where he stands. I don’t know where I stand really. I just know it would have been nice to feel wanted and liked in that kind of a way today. Even if it was an obscure “I’m not sure exactly what this is” way. Even though if I begin developing these feelings I’ll probably just end up hurt. I don’t know. I don’t think I care much at this point.

I just feel so lost.

Part of me feels like today sucked. But the optimistic part of me is saying that it wasn’t all bad. There were just some bad parts. But it feels like maybe I just need to let myself be unhappy with today. I’m allowed to say that my birthday sucked. It kind of did. The person I considered the most important in my life right now wasn’t there. She hasn’t really been there lately. And that’s crushing.

I don’t know what to do. What I want to do. If I want to do anything.

I’m just sad. And it’s my birthday. And that sucks.

Journal Entry

so Doug drunk texted me earlier in August and we’ve sort of been talking since then? Basically told me that he missed being friends with me and also it did turn to talking about how the sex was and I openly asked if he was trying to make it a booty call and he said no so I haven’t asked about if he wanted to have sex again or not. I’m a coward. Plus not sure if that’s actually something I want?

Mostly we’ve been snapchatting, which is weird. And i’m not sure how I feel about. Mostly I feel like we’re kidding ourselves, pretending like we can be friends again. Like things can be like they were before. I feel like if he hadn’t been such a dick in the beginning, when he broke things off, if he had been honest with me from then on, then maybe we would have been able to find better footing. But he waited almost half a year to work up the courage to say anything to me. After I was pretty sure I’d made it clear I would hear him out no matter what and I would respect his feelings and his side of the situation, he decided to stay silent. And I took those 5 months and I moved on. July was where I really noticed I wasn’t thinking about him in any sort of capacity anymore; not even sexual what-ifs.

And I feel like it’s just not fair to my experience to just be like “ok let’s go back to how things were before we were fucking!” Because it’s not like it was just fucking for me. It was more because he made me believe it was.

Then there’s Jared. We’ve kissed a few times. Cuddled a few times. That’s about it. I really like the honest conversations we have afterward, where he checks in with my feelings. (Although it is only because in the moment I’m stuck in my head and that comes across as uninterested in him which is bad). But since we started kissing and stuff… I don’t know it feels less effortless. It feels like now we’re playing some sort of game where we don’t want the other person to feel like we’re putting in too much time or something? I feel like the desperate one when I’m the one texting him first and I don’t like that. I like how before it was just simple and we were just friends. So I guess maybe what I’m saying is I don’t think we should keep going in the direction we’re headed? Oh my god that’s literally exactly what I just said in this last paragraph.

But at the same time I like seeing where something has the potential of going. But this could be a situation that would just be better for us to quit while we’re ahead. I just know that I don’t like feeling like I have to guess what he’s thinking/feeling, and I don’t like feeling like I have to be so strategic with how I interact with him to keep him interested or not too interested or something weird.

And Taylor (the coworker)…

My sister is convinced he likes me. So is my other coworker MJ… and my friend/coworker Sam said he wouldn’t be surprised if liked me…

But i just… I like him a lot. Like I’m not sure when the last time I liked a guy this much is… But I’m super hesitant… because we come from such different backgrounds and he really is kind of screwed up emotionally in a few ways that I’m not sure I want to have to deal with? He has a few of what I like to call Chloe-Like Tendencies which are extremely hard to explain. Mostly it comes across in how he talks about his problems or things that are bothering him? He has depression and anxiety, suffering from a serious back injury from almost 10 months ago, self confidence issues, plus a myriad of other things.

Maybe it’s more of my ability to read and analyze people around me so well just simply saying “He’s not emotionally fit to be in the type of relationship you want”

But then I wonder if that matters? It’s just high school. He’s only just turned 18. I’m only barely 17. It’s not as if this relationship has to be one that lasts. It can just be one where we (hopefully) help each other to grow. That’s what I would hope and want from it. And I don’t want to get caught up in the idea of “changing” him because I know that’s not going to ever work, plus I got a tad caught up in that idea with Doug and repeating it would just be another train wreck for me emotionally.

So I don’t know… he told me that I’m pretty recently. And that people should be telling me that more often. And I about turned to mush. And he’s made me a bracelet and supposedly has bought me a birthday present that he put a lot of thought into and I’m just going to end up turning into mush again when he gives it to me…

fucking hell. that poem i wrote about him still applies. “but the pieces and parts just aren’t enough to recreate the picture I have in my head of you”

But then maybe they don’t have to?

So there’s the boy drama. Here’s the girl drama now.

Sophie has been making me feel like complete shit the last few months. We’re complete opposites of each other. We handle situations differently from one another on a regular basis. And she has a tendency to judge me for it and think that I’m making the wrong choices when they don’t agree with what she would do. I sent her a text telling her how she was making me feel on Thursday. She hasn’t responded or talked to me at all. In some ways I won’t surprised if she doesn’t respond at all.

I would go into more detail about what happened but I already wrote it all out physically in a separate journal and I don’t feel like going through all the mental trouble of rewriting it. It’s just not necessary right now.

But all this to say that I’ve gotten tired of the stress all this interacting with people is giving me lately so I’ve turned my phone off and I don’t know when I’m going to decide to turn it back on. Definitely not until Tuesday at least when school starts. But I might even go longer just because. We’ll see. I’m just really feeling that need to “get out; get away” again and this time I feel like actually listening to it. So I’m putting my phone away and if for whatever reason someone really wanted to get a hold of me they’ll find a way. Not that I really expect anyone to though.

So with that said, I’m also feeling a lot more introspective (if you couldn’t tell). So I’ll probably be making a lot more posts this week while me and my phone are ignoring each other. So look forward to that I guess?

Talk to you later.

Having Another Existential Crisis at Almost Age 17.

I’m Building a Fire by Death Cab for Cutie:

The embers will grow and remind you what you already know
That the night is only a temporary absence of light.

Ok. Death. Here goes.

It scares the living shit out of me.

It always has. And a big part of me does believe in reincarnation and that we live many and multiple lives and that I’ll be born again but what scares me is that it’ll be a new life and I won’t know that this was a life I led one time. I won’t know the people I know today as these people, they’ll be reborn too or I won’t even encounter them at all in the next life and that’s horrifying. And thinking about how I just became one day out of nothing and I wasn’t here at one point is equally scary because it’s basically the exact same thing as death but in reverse, there’s a moment before where I have no memory and there will be an eternity at the end where I have no memory. And a large part of me wishes like hell I didn’t have to have been born at all to have to try and grapple with this shit or that I was raised to be religious so that I could be conditioned into believing with my entire being that there is an afterlife and a God who loves and cares about us. And I hate that I don’t have a say in it and that I don’t get to know for sure. That the only thing I have to make me believe in my theory is this feeling. And I hate that I will literally blink and be on my deathbed, about to die and thinking back over my life. I’ve already blinked and just ended up here and I’m going to blink again and suddenly be 30 and then again and I’ll be 60 and if I manage to live long enough then I’ll end up being 80 and not knowing where time went and how I ended up there. Lots of people I will have loved and love will already be dead. None of this lasts. All society is is a distraction from the inevitable. Religion began to give explanations to things we couldn’t wrap our heads around and provide comfort in these kinds of situations. And from what I’ve gathered, through religion/mythology and sharing of stories, society started to take form. Or maybe it all happened at once or it’s all tangled up together with bits and pieces happening before, with, and after others. I don’t know for sure. But I do know that it played a large part in how we decided to form our cultures. Literally everything we do is just to distract us and help pass time because when we started to become conscious and questioning beings it was all too much for us. Other animals live just with the hope of surviving and passing on their genes. And to an extent this is still largely true for us too as a species but it shows in other, different ways.

And I’m just really terrified. Really, really terrified. Are you seeing the theme here? Things that I have no control over and the things that I don’t know anything about scare the living shit out of me, to the point where I adopt semi-self destructive and potentially harmful habits to help cope with it.

Everything feels pointless and stupid right now. And I resent pretty much every aspect of society for having evolved into something so controlling that you don’t get to have a real say in anything, but the simple truth is that we’re all still linked at the end of the day by the fact that we were born and we will die again only to enter into the next phase of nonexistence. What even is existing? All of this could be fake I could be some weird, long, thought daydream someone is having. I could literally be some equivalent of a Sims Game. What the actual hell is life and existence?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just extremely cynical and morbid. And maybe this is subconsciously happening every August because it’s almost my birthday. Or because down the line I end up dying at the end of August and I just have some weird psychic feeling about it. It wouldn’t be a bad month to die in. And maybe I’m just fucking crazy and sitting inside some insane asylum and this is all an intricate delusion I’ve created for myself. No one can really say for sure.

In the morning you’ll wake with the ashes of a memory
And the sun on your face and I will not seem so far away.