Figuring it out

My therapist asked me this question last week:

“Do you think you could have some unspoken rule that sex and feelings can’t exist in the same place at the same time? It’s ok if you don’t even know, but maybe try and think about it a bit.”
This post is going to go all over the place in lots of directions that to me currently feel unrelated. But maybe they are deep down. I dont know yet. 
I texted sam “i dont even have a totally valid reason for why i still do it anymore” (referring to purging)

I tried to analyze myself while i was doing it. I think i like that relaxed feeling i get at the end. I think i do it for that mostly. Feeling empty and calm afterwards is nice. Cleansing. I’m sure there could be healthier ways to achieve it but that’s what i have right now that works. 

I want to pick up running but im nervous about it. Maybe even scared. I think maybe because I don’t fully believe i could do it. Not like it’s actually possible to fail at running but i dont know. I’m still nervous. And about dumb parts too. Like about people on the street judging me. Which why would they even do that. And why does their opinion matter anyway. And if they’re judging me doesnt that just make them ridiculous? 

I’m also nervous about my lung. Running would force me to feel the only reminder of my disease. And i dont know how much is good to “push through the pain”. You’re supposed to stop when it hurts but I don’t know if that rule still applies to this? 

There’s a lookout about six blocks from my sisters house. I could easily run/walk there every morning if i wanted to once i moved in. Get up early. See the sunrise every morning. I think i can see myself doing that.

Housesitting for emily while shes been gone on business this summer has got me kind of freaked out about moving in in three weeks. I don’t know how i can handle it in reality. We just have different standards for living. She’s used to and ok with the mess that comes with three dogs and a cat in a two bed two bath house. I’m not. I don’t really want to be “used to it”. I have higher standards for cleanlieness.

I’ll be honest i made myself vomit before writing this post and im starting to shake from the empty. I’m having trouble typing and want to get more food but i dont think i will. I almost have gained 10 pounds this summer because i havent really been restricting or puking until this week. Which i think is because ive been stressed out about emilys house. And living here. 

I dont know how much responsibility she expects me to take for the animals. I don’t really want to take any. I mean i love them but at the end of the day they aren’t mine. And i just. I’m not a person who can handle taking care of other living creatures shit. I find feeding them a hassle and letting them out and having to pay attention to them when they want me to. I’m not an ideal pet owner. At all.

And i want to be able to have a senior year. And that means making that 1 hour roundtrip drive back to my hometown on a semi regular basis. And not worring about being home in time to feed dogs because emily is also out doing something that night.

I guess im just worried because i dont completely know what it is she’s expecting from me. And we haven’t had to really communicate like this before so I’m scared because even though i KNOW she’s different, she still was raised in the same family i was and im worried that trying to talk to her could be the same. (I have serious faith deep down it would be fine but im stilk worried, ya know?)

And i was rewatching gossip girl today and the episode where Serena and Dan have sex for the first time kinda got to me and got me thinking about what my therapist asked because of how serena tells dan “I’m just scared… because no guy has ever looked at me the way you just did”

And i know exactly what she’s talking about. And i dont know if i have that rule that i cant have sex and have feelings. I think the idea of that freaks me out. I think imagining that makes me nervous.

I think what i want at the end of the day is to have someone steady to come home to but still be allowed to mess around on the side and have fun with other people. I think that’s my ideal scenario. But i dont know exactly where or how to find a person who could check all my boxes like that. 

And sam and i talked the other day about if we “think we’re just prolonging the inevitable [us dating]?” Becuase our relationship is pretty much exactly what I’d want from a true partner but i dont want to date him. Because im not in that mindset of serious relationship yet. And because i dont know that that attraction really exists towards him. He said he figured we could be. That maybe some day twenty years down the line if we were still close something could happen, but he agreed that right now that… spark i guess? Just isn’t there. He said he figured our relationship was just pure companionship, referring to the triangle of relationships, and how we have the foundations of the triangle but not the tip. 

And my friend savanna i feel so comfortable around. And we kiss each other on a regular basis and we call each other our girlfriends and hold hands and cuddle sometimes and say that were in love with each other while at the same time messing around with guys and telling each other all about it and i really like that. And it’s probably about a third joking and two thirds serious, if not more. And sometimes i wonder about what if we were really actually like that? What if we were in a commited lesbian relationship and still fooled around with others on the side? It doesn’t really sound all that bad. Coming home to that beautiful girl and getting to lay in bed with her and look at her and make her smile? Hold her hand? Kiss her? It sounds lovely. 

But the having sex aspect of that kind of weirds me out. I think mostly because im worried about things getting ruined. And also i dont know that thats what she wants (probably a good sign i should just buck up and ask, eh?)

Sex has only ever ruined my relationships with the people. I guess maybe this is just another narrative i have to try and rewrite, cuz so far I’d say I’ve done pretty good with the whole “guys only ever want me for sex” trope. But maybe i just also haven’t met the right person yet. I don’t know.

There’s lots I don’t know about yet. That’s ok. And probably also the way it should be. I’ll get it figured out. I’m just a bit stressed and lonely right now i guess.

Chat later.



Hi guys. I haven’t posted in a while. Think we might have some catching up to do.

Hi, my name is Naomi. For those of you who don’t keep up with me regularly (which is likely most if not all of you), and for those of you who do, here is a crash course into who I am currently.

I am almost 18 years old. In one month I will be moving out of my house with my parents in a rural town to move in with my sister in a city somewhat north of Seattle. I am going to be a senior in high school participating in a program in my state called running that allows high school students to gain dual credits while attending a community college. I have hopes to attend a real university in the Carolina’s next year to be closer with my family living on the east coast and to meet new people and expose myself to the different cultures brewing up throughout the US.

I have worked in retail for nearly 2 years and have loved it until recently. Sometimes customer service is incredibly rewarding; the satisfaction that comes with helping people and seeing them be truly thankfuk for your help is an accomplishment all its own. Beyond that, I love every single one of my coworkers. Until one of my friends got promoted to “head cashier” and has since become somewhat of a tyrant. For that, I am thankful to be leaving soon. By the middle of September I should be a licensed and practicing Nurses Assistant working in an assisted livin home. I hope to gain extra training to allow me to work specifically in restorative therapy. Mostly though, I’m in it for the higher paycheck.

When I get to college next year I hope to focus on biology or bio-chem, with minors in neuroscience and/or computer science and/or psychology. Since most of the schools I’m interested in applying to are liberal arts colleges, this actually isn’t too far fetched. I like understanding who people are and why they’re like that, and I think it’s crazy to think that all of it is predetermined and hardwired into the way your brain, a single organ in your body, operates. And I think it’s even crazier how mallelable it can be in new and different situations, and how you can retrain your brain to think and behave differently. I want to understand exactly how it works.

My name is Naomi and I’m not very close with my parents. I feel like a shitty daughter most of the time for how distant we are but I don’t know what I can or what I’m supposed to do about it. We never were close. Not really. It’s just that now all of a sudden they notice. Now all of a sudden they care even though they didn’t before. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about that.

I have an eating disorder. It usually gets triggered when my family makes me feel like shit. This means that the holidays are a double whammy. I haven’t had a good thanksgiving or a good christmas in probably four years. When it all started, actually. Whenever I feel like a total complete outsider or like I’m feeling too much or feeling inappropriate emotions for a situation, I shut down and numb out by not eating. I let the hunger take over instead. I become zombie like. I drink water and eat minuscule amounts of food throughout the day. This last christmas triggered one of my worst cycles with the disorder in a while. I restricted my eating from January until March, and then from April until June I practiced a lot of bulimic behaviors because I was so terrified of gaining weight but couldn’t control my cravings anymore. Plus, chewing, especially on crunchy things like banana chips, helps my anxiety. It’s like a compulsion when I start. I can’t bring myself to stop and then I feel like the most disgusting, unloveable pig on the planet. And it just triggers more anxiety which triggers either more eating or vomiting. And vomiting always leaves me numb again. Then from June to July I mostly just binged. Constantly. I’ve mostly stopped vomiting because I find it isn’t helpful anymore in what I’m trying to accomplish for myself emotionally. Which is probably still just control. This week though, the first week in August, my mom triggered it for me again. I lost my appetite almost completely. We’ll just have to see where it goes this time. I have been talking to my therapist about getting dedicated and more consistent help and support for this, but we’ll just have to see where I am when I’ve moved out. I’d be more comfortable changing my habits and lifestyle regarding such a sensitive topic as this in the presence of Emily rather than my parents. Go figure.
My name is Naomi and I’ve been questioning my sexuality since February. I always told myself that sexuality is fluid and that it can change depending on where and who you are at the moment in your life. Laregly I still believe this, but I also wonder how much of that was me just trying to leave the door open for me to explore. Sex wth Doug was really good. But all my other sexual encounters have been… subpar. I definitely enjoyed Jared more than Doug, but he didn’t make me feel as good physically. And also… I don’t know how much I like straight sex? I stopped masturbating after the whole sexting with Doug thing happened twice (from October to November and then again from February to April). And even then, those were pretty much the only times I masturbated. And I haven’t been interested at all in sex unless a person is physically in front of me since that. And even then, it’s kind of a long shot. The main reason Jared and I ended up fucking was because we were drunk. 

I wonder if I have sex and go after guys more becuase I’m trying to convince myself that I’m straight than because I actually like them. I wonder if maybe I have such an extreme case of internalized homophobia that I seek out attention from men to try and persuade myself that that’s what I want. “See? Isn’t it nice to feel validated? To feel hot and sexy?” Maybe that’s why I have such a fucked relationship with men and relationships. Because I know deep down that I don’t want a man at all. 

I have a hard time deciding if a guy is “hot” in my eyes. All my friends can look at one and instantly tell me if he’s cute or not and why. It’s a lot harder for me. I have to really look and pick. Maybe it’s because I’m just not that “superficial”. But maybe it’s because I’m gay.

There was a girl on one of my tours for a college today. She was really pretty. Gorgeous. She smiled at me a few times. We ended up talking at the end of the tour while we walked with our mom’s to the gift shop / book store. She was super cute, from Kentucky, and nice. I wish I had asked her name. And thinking about her gives me these excited butterflies? Especially when I think about how she was looking at me and then smiled when I made eye contact. And on the drive back up to Virginia, I was thinking about her, and about all of this, and if my mom hadn’t been in the car with me I would have broke down crying. Because what if I really am gay? What if I’m a lesbian and I’ve been lying to myself and to my friends for all these years? Would they look at me the same? Or would they get paranoid whenever I showed them affection, thinking I secretly just wanted to fuck them or I was actually making a move? And what if I’m a lesbian but no girls like me? It’s hard enough feeling like guys find me attractive, but switching over to girls? Standards get higher. There are so many prettier girls than me. 

I feel like maybe I’m just terrified of the implications. I feel like I’m terrified of the possibility I have been lying to myself. Of the possibility that I haven’t had sex with anyone because I actually liked them but because I was trying to prove something to myself. And I’m scared too because what if I’m doing all this questioning, and it turns out I am straight? Was I just doing it for attention? To try and jump on the train of people who struggle with internalized homophobia and who are homosexual? All I do is question myself. The car ride tonight left me scared and sad and feeling so lonely.  What if I am actually a lesbian? Does that change how I see myself? How I act or dress? Does it change my philosophies or things I thought were vital to who I was? I don’t know. I haven’t gotten that far yet.

And I’ve always been so much better at creating deep and personally close relationships with women. I’ve only had one deep and close relationship with a guy, Sam, and I’ve beat myself up over why I’m not attracted to him on and off for months. Sometimes I think I trick myself into thinking that I am and then realize again that, no, actually I’m not. And I can’t tell you why. Because from a rational and factual stand point, he would be perfect for me. We would be the perfect couple. We’re honest, communicate well, express ourselves openly to each other on a regular basis, we have fun, and we challenge each other in positive and healthy growth oriented ways. Literally the GOALS OF A MODERN DAY RELATIONSHIP and he is the last person I’m interested in. And I can’t help but wonder if maybe it’s because I’m a lesbian????? How else do you explain being so opposed to dating someone? Or to dating men just in general. With Doug I had a hard time in the beginning with putting a lable on it, with calling him my boyfriend or with saying we were in a relationship. And I don’t know if that would be different for me if I was with girl. If maybe I have such negative feelings about it because I know deep down that I don’t want to be with a guy. 

I don’t know. There’s a lot of things I don’t know right now, but I’m trying to figure it out. 

Thanks for reading, if you did. I appreciate it.

I took the maximum number of laxitive suggested. I feel sick. My stomach feels hot and i feel clamy and like i could puke. 

I gained four pounds this week from being bloated and on my period and not being again to handle my cravings.

All i eat when i do eat is total crap. Junk. Chocolate. Hot dogs (because thats the only food we have in the house). Cheese. 

Thats basically it. But this week i added doughnut holes and mac and cheese because my cramps were so bad i couldnt walk and i woke up at 2am.

I might be subconsciously avoiding my therapist. 

Its scary thinking about working on this. About changing my habits. Yeah i dont like my current methods but its all i have. Its all ive ever had really. And i dont know how to change or get better or what it looks like or if i even can.

And chole and her boyfriend just think im the stereotypical angsty teen whos angry for no reason. He isnt even a part of this family and he gets to quip in with the sardonic comments about how i “look too happy”

I dont know. Its one thing for them to not protect me from each other, but letting an outsider in on it… 

it just doesn’t help anything. It just makes me feel even more of the misfit than i normally do. I know i have a lot of myself to blame for that but he hasn’t even been around a year and its like im the one who should be the stranger in my own house. At Christmas and still today. He fits better than me. 

Ive been secretly hoping maybe i get an ulcer or something. Something to force me to work on my problems for real. But i dont know. 

It gets lonely. I love writing but talking into this virtual notebook gets lonely sometimes. Like right now. I feel like a deflated balloon most of the time.


Last night i drowned in music,

Got lost in imagining infinite infinities

Felt each individual synapse in my head as i thought thoughts i realized were unoriginal 

And realized that to exist in so many infinities

We are so infinitely big and yet so infinitely small

How beautiful to just be,



I know i said things on my end would be ok if you decided us being friends wasnt in your best interest rn. And mostly thats still true. But right now I hate it. I hate not wanting to talk to you until you can figure your shit out. I hate that i dont feel like i have someone i can spit out my random unconnected thoughts and gibberish to. And it wouldnt be like this if my grandma hadnt passed this week but she did and i would probably be talking to you about this shit but i dont feel like i can and i hate it and i think its so stupid. I dont like you as more than friend. I dont know how to go about convincing lexi this. I do know that i still want you to be my friend. I do know that a large part of me just feels kind of alone right now because all i want is someone to listen and youve been my person for that. And now i dont have it and i dont know what to do and i dont know how much of my grieving is over my grandma and how much of it is over you and i hate it. I hate this situation and i hate how you were so quick to decide to throw me out of your life for a second there on monday. That felt so shitty. It reminded me of all the times i wasnt good enough and all the times i had felt like no one would or could ever really love or appreciate me as a person because i would always some how fuck it up. Because at the end of the day all i am is something pretty look at but still just a bitch inside. I hated that. I hated how you made my chest scrunch up with two stupid words. “We’re done.” I hate how much anger was sitting behind them. I hated it. The whole interaction the whole situation i hate this weird limbo place we’re in now where we both kind of avoid each other but try not to make it obvious. My friendship with you has been one of the most natural and easy things ive ever experienced and i hate that its being ruined by something like this and i hate how i dont feel like i can send this to you while you figure your shit out because it could influence your decision and make you feel bad. I fucking hate feeling like i need to censor myself in regards to you. I hate how i never seem to have my best friend when i really need them to be there. I hate how the only reason we cant be friends is because of a stupid fucking high school relationship and i hate how i cant just say that to you because youve given her a promise ring and plan on marrying her. I fucking hate every side of this situation. I just want to have one of my best friends back. I hate that this has to be so complicated. I hate that my grandma died and that its the week before Christmas. I hate not having you here in my life.

Wrote this about Sam two nights ago when i practically cried myself to sleep because of all this shit happening in my life rn and im not down for like any of this wow. 

Like tbh idk that “friend” describes my feelings toward Sam but its definitely not romantic OR sexual. It’s just like we have a really special connection (at least on my end) and like ive never had that before with anyone so even if i DID starting liking him as more one day i wouldnt want to risk what we have now because i like what it is now. I dont have any want or need or desire for it to change. 

Ive always been a firm believer that some relationships you make with people cant fit into the predesignated boxes society has set up. Feelings and interactions and relationships are just too complex on both ends for it to be that simple. And my relationship with sam is one of those grey areas so i can see why lexi might be uncomfortable with it but im perfectly comfortable in the not completely clear-ness of our friendship and i dont think i can apologize for it? Like i rarely ever just let myself act based on raw feelings and nit rationalize but i can do that with sam and it hasnt led to any kind of inkling of a romantic feeling which is why im not even remotely worried about things on my end. Its his and hers that could be affected.

I just want to let myself be selfish this one time. I just want to get to keep one of my closest friends for once in my life but please.

Is it so much to ask for me to be able to meet or find someone who legitimately falls in love me that I also like? I’m so sick and tired of this bullshit. Of feeling like no one’s going to be able to really love me for whatever reason. And it doesn’t make sense to me. But at the same time having that thought makes me feel arrogant and gross. But literally what is wrong with me that makes guys not actually interested? At least not interested enough to stay around cuz they actually want to be with ME and not just fuck me. Do guys just look at me and see a girl that’s insane? Can they tell that I’m usually teetering on emotionally unstable under the surface? Am I actually just as annoying as I worry that i am? What the fuck.  

I feel mad today. And sick of everything. And sad too because my car is totaled and because I have all these nasty thoughts in my head. 

And I didn’t eat anything today until 7:30 when I got off work and it was only a 6in sub from subway and it was only so that I could spend time with a co-worker and Sam. And until that came up I legitimately was planning on not actually eating for the rest of today. Because it felt good. It’s like have a physical place to put my discomfort and painful feelings is helpful to me. Even though it’s still unheathly. And there were moments I felt like I might vomit and it felt like that might not actually be such a bad thing. And I don’t like that I still think that way. Or that I still restrict my eating like this. But at the end of the day I don’t care enough to try and fix it for me. Not yet anyway. 

And I talked to Jared today for the first time in three weeks and it was really just because we ended up walking home together. And I mentioned he never texted me back in a casual way and he apologized and literally said “oh yeah cuz we haven’t talked in a while have we?”

Like ok dude cool glad to know you haven’t been thinking about me at all. Like not even because i may or may not have liked you more because i thought we were friends??? But I guess once school started and you had all these girls on your ass again it was like “ok so don’t need a distraction anymore I can focus on who I actually want to” like fuck you dude jesus fucking Christ like you don’t have to lie about wanting to be my friend if you aren’t even interested in hanging out maybe fucking say something instead of making me feel like a dumb fucktard thanks.

And I’m pissed off and sad cuz more than anything I’d like to have been able to get off work today and text or call a guy who actually liked me and cared about me and have him to talk to and whatever and instead I get Doug who’s just looking to sext and that’s literally the last thing I want. I just want someone to care about me and to hold me in my worst moments and for it to not just be Sam. Because even though he reacted perfectly to me crying in his car he isn’t mine and I also don’t even like him that way anyway.

I want someone to kiss my head and shake their head at me and smile when im being an idiot and someone who’ll hold me when I’m having a bad day and someone to cuddle when I just want to relax after a long day or someone to text just because and they don’t even think anything of it. I just want a person of my own. And they don’t have to be a permanent person. They don’t have to be perfect. They just have to genuinely like me and treat me nice and be funny. And I genuinely feel like it isn’t possible for me to find this and it’s so depressing and self esteem shattering to think that the best I’m ever going to be able to do is someone like Doug. I hate Doug and everything about him. And it feels like I’m never going to be able to do better than him. 

Fuck everything.
p.s. I wrote this thirty minutes and my friend Logan just called me out of the blue from college to talk to me. Maybe not fuck everything but definitely most things.


I’m 17 today. And I’m sad.

The wave of depression hit when I was dropping off my friends after they spent the afternoon after school with me.

It wasn’t a bad day. I had fun.

It’s just that underneath all of that I feel so incredibly lost. I love them but I feel like at the end of the day they’re the wrong people. Not the ones I should be with. I wished I’d been able to spend time with Sophie, but she still isn’t really talking to me. She sent me a text today and all it said was happy birthday and that she was working a ton the next two weeks but she’d figure out a way to get me my present. That was it. Nothing else other than a few snapchats.

I’m just so incredibly tired. I’m tired of feeling like I have to work really hard to keep up my relationships with people. I’m tired of that feeling like work to me. I’m tired of my best friend not feeling like my best friend, because I haven’t felt like hers for the last few months. I’m tired of going through motions. I’m tired of my parents trying so hard. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired.

And I wish I could have spent time with Jared. Just cuz it would have been nice to have someone to cuddle, even though we’re not technically a “thing” and I don’t even know how I really feel about him at this point. Today I felt like maybe I was liking him a bit more than usual but I don’t know. I don’t know where he stands. I don’t know where I stand really. I just know it would have been nice to feel wanted and liked in that kind of a way today. Even if it was an obscure “I’m not sure exactly what this is” way. Even though if I begin developing these feelings I’ll probably just end up hurt. I don’t know. I don’t think I care much at this point.

I just feel so lost.

Part of me feels like today sucked. But the optimistic part of me is saying that it wasn’t all bad. There were just some bad parts. But it feels like maybe I just need to let myself be unhappy with today. I’m allowed to say that my birthday sucked. It kind of did. The person I considered the most important in my life right now wasn’t there. She hasn’t really been there lately. And that’s crushing.

I don’t know what to do. What I want to do. If I want to do anything.

I’m just sad. And it’s my birthday. And that sucks.