what is love to him

i asked him once if he had ever been in love.

he said he felt your life was probably pretty dull if you hadn’t experienced something like it by the time you turned 20.

now, i wonder how it felt to him.

was it a calm, warm, and fuzzy feeling?

or chaotic and hot?

did it steady him in his footing,

or drag him loose under the waves, lost in the turbulence?

if he could experience that kind of love again,

would he run to it?

Or ease himself back in slowly.

Testing the waters first with a toe,

Then gradually easing himself in the water,

Until it covers his face just below the nose?

I wonder if he would describe the waters as dark and opaque

or if he imagines it more as a clear and shimmering blue?

What did love feel like to him?

Is it different now than back then?

Bangerz.

The bright florescent lights from the grocery store glow behind him, creating his dark silhouette in front of me.  He has his hands balled lazily in his pockets while he leans on the front of his car. The hood of his work sweatshirt is pulled up and over his green beanie; only moments earlier I poked fun at him, “Look at how thug you look with your hood like that!” as we walked out of work.

He’s watching me scroll through my playlist, a mix of songs I compiled under one word: Bangerz. I can see the outline of his smirk – the crinkle in his eyes, the laugh lines deepening as he watches me make a fool of myself in the poorly lit parking lot – while he endures my subjecting him to 679 by Fetty Wap, Kiss Me Thru the Phone by Souja Boy, and Ben Fold’s rendition of Bitches Ain’t Shit. He’s laughing at me-no with me, as I’m laughing at myself too.

We’re nearing the end of this interaction. He asks if the car I drove to work is my new one, straightening up from the hood of his car.

“No,” I say. “It’s my sisters. I have it while she’s in Florida. Which reminds me! I was meaning to ask you this but kept forgetting so here it is now” his right eyebrow raises and the corner of his mouth lifts up in an almost comical expression of ‘oh really? What is it now?’ “Can you pick me up for work and drop me off after work next Saturday?”

He tosses his head back dramatically, like I’m asking him a bigger favor than it is, but he can’t fully wipe off the smile from his face.

“Do you know how much longer my drive is going to be if I do that?!” he whines.

I laugh at him and say “What? Like five minutes?! C’mon please?” I beg a little.

He tilts his head back a little and looks at me, his face now set in mock defeat and a lazy half smile. “Yeah, ok. I can do that. Next Saturday?”

“Yep! Next Saturday. Thank you Zach.” I give him a big grin. I’m sure he shakes his head as he laughs at me.

I like to think maybe while I was jamming to those bangers in front of him all he could think about was what a cute dork I am. How pretty he might’ve thought I looked bathed in the streetlights of the parking lot while I did a terrible pseudo-dance to terrible rap music. How maybe he wished there was more time for us.

Other important things he said today:

I took off my glasses at one point and he came up as back up cashier and when he was done with the customer he turned and saw they were gone and said “Wow I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without glasses on before. You look alright.” And gave a quick nod of approval.

Later under similar circumstances, I had just come back from lunch and had been upstairs in the breakroom which is currently being remodeled. I was sitting in a booth seat covered in sawdust and hadn’t thought about what that might mean for my black pants. Zach, sly dog he is, as he’s turning to leave the check stand, goes, “Don’t take this to be inappropriate, but the backside of your pants are covered in dirt.” I just laughed and explained to him as I myself realized why that happened. I think I thanked him too for pointing it out.

I tend to be a pretty sassy lady, especially when we’re nearing closing because it’s been a long day and I’m tired. I can’t remember what it is that I said that prompted this comment, but he said something along the lines of, “wow, don’t hang around Naomi too much around closing; her fangs come out.” and i laughed and apologized and said something like I was working on being less mean and he said “No, keep it. It’s good” while his face was plastered in his signature Smirk of Approval because I swear to God that’s the only type of facial expression he makes; some kind of a smirk.

And that is Zach. The original Cute Coworker. And that is the most recent “development” if you could call it that.

 

god dammit

god dammit I’m in deep again.

swimming in his eyes

trying to dig myself beneath his skin

worming my way into his heart

but I can’t tell if I’m hitting clay or if the shovel is growing dull

or if I’m really as successful at this treasure hunt as I think I am

all I really know is that if I could talk to him all day I would

imaging what it would feel like for his arms to be around my waist,

picturing all the silly, weird little things he does,

thinking about how stupid and how adorable he is at the same time…

god dammit, am I in deep again.

look it’s another shit poem!!! lol but anyway yeah lately i’ve been finding myself caring less and less about potential risks and about rejection and about if we would be good together because oh my god dammit am i a sucker. and i really feel like he’s a sucker for me too sometimes. his face almost lit up when he saw that i was in work today (no one knew i was coming in, i had to cover last minute) and i don’t know why but i almost was challenging him all afternoon with unwavering eye contact and you know how sometimes it’s like you’re talking with your eyes? It could be total bogus and me being hopeful but i completely 100% felt something there. and i don’t know. it’s like this feeling is just growing too big. it’s taking up too much space in my chest to just let it keep sitting there taking up space and collecting dust and I have to let out soon. and that means saying something. To him. and i don’t know. I feel like i’ll probably do it soonish. before december? i don’t know. i just know i’m falling hard and fast and digging myself a grave right about now.

God. Dammit.

Pieces and Parts

There’s a part of me that’s fallen in love with pieces of you.

But pieces and parts don’t quite fit together 

The way that I’d like for us to.

So I’ll sit here while you stand there,

And watch all the little could haves and would haves float by us.

Because the pieces and parts just aren’t enough

To recreate the picture I have in my head of you.

I had this poem written in my head last week but never put it to paper so I could only remember small parts and had to basically write a completely new poem but I still really like this one. Maybe I’ll remember the original and edit accordingly later idk. 

July (…so far)

I guess I should probably give an update on things, huh?

there’s lots of developments literally in just the last week. Odd how things can go from stagnant to crazy in only a matter of days.

My mom doesn’t trust me when I tell her where I am anymore. And it’s only because Sophie’s mom texted her one night last week asking if she was actually at 0ur house, so that planted in my mom the idea that I might be lying to her about where I am. Even though I have literally never done that and she and my dad have never really been THAT concerned with knowing where I am/what I’m doing to begin with so suddenly having her on my back like this is fucking annoying as hell, especially when I confronted her about it and she just immediately backtracked to try and save face.

I’ve mostly been working since getting back from my trip. I hung out with sophie everyday for the first three days I got back (which was on the fifth) and since then haven’t really seen her much. And that’s kind of been on purpose.

We got shitfaced on Friday with our other friend Beth. And I got considerably more fucked than either of them which was kind of intentional because I wanted to see how far I could go (which is generally stupid, I’m aware) and I usually drink alone which is fun sometimes but it’s also more fun getting to do it with some other people. Well, I blacked out for the last 3-4 hours or so. And during that time I guess I said things about how much I wanted to have sex with random people (who I don’t actually want to have sex with, I have no idea what that was about or where it came from). One of the people I talked about was apparently Soph’s boyfriend, and she thought I was faking it and just being a bitch I guess by not shutting up about it even when she asked me to. It wasn’t until I started puking my guts out that she believed how drunk I was and decided that I wasn’t serious.

Thinking about that really bothers me. I know she was drunk too, but I don’t know. The fact that she apparently didn’t know me well enough to realize “k she’s clearly had way more than she usually does” bothers me. I’m not the kind of person who “fakes” anything; I like to be authentic and real and I guess it feels like she missed that part about me somewhere. And that’s a part of me that I really try to hold myself to and if that hasn’t come across to her yet that really bothers me. It kind of makes me feel like shit. She’s supposed to be my best friend. She’s supposed to be my person and I don’t always feel like hers.

And she’s going off to a new school in a few months and we’re not going to be seeing each other as much, especially if she ends up moving closer to the school. And she has a boyfriend she’s starting to put a lot of time and attention into and I’ve just realized how much I’ve depended on her these last few months; leaning on her after everything with Doug. And she was leaning on me, too, dealing with her own problems and low feelings and now she’s got another person. And I can’t be as dependant on her because she’s not going to be there every time I need her, and I don’t want to be expecting her to be there for me because when she isn’t it’ll just end up really hurting me and I’ve been in the place before of “no one actually likes me; I’m just a convenience/everyone just feels bad for me” and I really don’t want to go back there again. And being so dependent on her/another person isn’t setting myself up for success in that goal. I’m going through another streak of wanting independence and wanting to be all by myself in some ways. I’ve decided to do running start senior year and move in with Elyse even if it means I don’t get to walk with my class/have a real graduation. I got hit earlier this week with the feeling of needing to get out; that I’m putting energy and time into the wrong people and I need to be meeting new people. That I need to get out.

Since I got back I’ve mostly been working. I’m full time this month, with only Wednesday’s and Saturday’s off. I started snapping one of my coworkers. A lot. He starts it a good amount of the time too. I started falling in love with the idea of him but he moves to Utah in two months for college and I just don’t see how we would be able to make it work if I did decide to go for him. On top of this I’ve been talking to this guy, Jared, who I’ve kind of been friends with since like March but not like, super close or anything. More casual. And we started talking a lot while I was on vacation. On Friday he took me golfing and then we got ice cream (Sophie wanted us to stop by where she works; she’s friends with him too and planted the idea in his head I want a fuckbuddy, which isn’t EXACTLY true but I’ll get to this in a second) and it was really fun. We decided after that to try and go see a movie but when we got on the highway and my phone finally loaded it turned out the movie theater was already closed so I suggested we could go stargaze cuz I knew a good spot (even though it was cloudy) and he said alright. We talked a lot about a bunch of random stuff; having conversations, asking random questions. Laughed a lot. And at the star gazing spot he pulled the blankets out of his truck and laid them in the truck bed and for the first hour or so we laid close to each other but still kind of cautiously keeping our distance. At some point we started holding hands and I’m pretty sure he used the fact that I have ridiculously soft hands as a cover for why for a bit. And then it turned into cuddling, which by that point we were getting pretty tired and didn’t have much else to say so we spooned in the back of his truck for another 30 minutes snuggled up getting bit by bugs and his arms squeezing me every now and then “just cuz it’s fun”. There were moments I got worried he might try to do more because I really didn’t want to go there yet but he didn’t try anything further than that. Also, just a cute thing he does and apparently has done since he was little: every so often he’ll squeeze your hand twice while holding it. It’s like a tick, but he also reasoned it with the fact that “just holding hands is boring.”

And it was really nice. Doug never held me like that. Except one time and it pretty much immediately turned into more than cuddling. And it was just nice getting to be held and I just really appreciated getting to have that moment. And I hope I get to have more moments like that with him. This is where the complication of Sophie telling him I wanted a fuckbuddy comes in; there’s the possibility he could just want to fuck and not want anything more serious than that. I do feel like he does actually like me, but it’s still something I’ll have to talk to him about. I only see a “fuckbuddy” working out if they’re not already someone I consider my friend, otherwise it would feel too much like everything that happened with Doug. He was basically just my friend who I had sex with, only he lied during it saying that he was in love with me to keep getting laid. The hardest thing about the situation I’ve had to deal with is feeling like all I’m good for is sex and that my personality is shit. I’m worried that right now where I am, having a fuckbuddy type relationship with someone I already consider my friend could just result in me feeling like no one is ever going to be able to like me as more than either a friend or a hole to stick their dick in and that’s a shitty ass feeling. I’m still kind of fragile right now and I need to be looking out for myself and that means not fooling around with Jared just for fun. If I get involved with anyone I really need it to be out of a mutual attraction for a each other and for it to be at least a little on the serious side. It’s hard to reinforce that you’re loveable in a romantic way when all the signs seem to say otherwise.

And there’s a real difference between my attraction with Jared and my coworker. My coworker is more physical and also easier for me to see it turning into something legitimately serious. Jared feels a little… more unknown maybe? I’m not sure what exactly we would turn into. He’s a bit of a weird guy (not in a bad way) in general and I don’t know. It’s hard for me to explain; I just have a feeling that the potential relationships with them would be completely different from each other. Jared feels like he’d be more light hearted and fun, but it could maybe become more than that? I’m not sure. Guess we really just have to wait and see. I’m 95% decided on Jared. The 5% is just the small part of me that wants to hold out for my coworker because parts about him are more appealing. At the same time though, parts of Jared are more appealing too. I guess this is just one of those “what’s right for me in this moment of my life” decisions, and I really think that having a long distance one, while I’d be able to do it, would just be too hard on me right now. Plus, he hasn’t even really made any kind of a move. Just small things that suggest he might be taking some kind of an interest. From a rational perspective Jared’s my best bet at the moment. Plus he is pretty cute.

I’m going to Florida to visit my grandma(s) and see some other extended family in August. Finalized the plans today actually. I’m excited for that.

I’m pretty sure that’s about everything that’s gone on. I’ll write again soon.