Figuring it out

My therapist asked me this question last week:

“Do you think you could have some unspoken rule that sex and feelings can’t exist in the same place at the same time? It’s ok if you don’t even know, but maybe try and think about it a bit.”
This post is going to go all over the place in lots of directions that to me currently feel unrelated. But maybe they are deep down. I dont know yet. 
I texted sam “i dont even have a totally valid reason for why i still do it anymore” (referring to purging)

I tried to analyze myself while i was doing it. I think i like that relaxed feeling i get at the end. I think i do it for that mostly. Feeling empty and calm afterwards is nice. Cleansing. I’m sure there could be healthier ways to achieve it but that’s what i have right now that works. 

I want to pick up running but im nervous about it. Maybe even scared. I think maybe because I don’t fully believe i could do it. Not like it’s actually possible to fail at running but i dont know. I’m still nervous. And about dumb parts too. Like about people on the street judging me. Which why would they even do that. And why does their opinion matter anyway. And if they’re judging me doesnt that just make them ridiculous? 

I’m also nervous about my lung. Running would force me to feel the only reminder of my disease. And i dont know how much is good to “push through the pain”. You’re supposed to stop when it hurts but I don’t know if that rule still applies to this? 

There’s a lookout about six blocks from my sisters house. I could easily run/walk there every morning if i wanted to once i moved in. Get up early. See the sunrise every morning. I think i can see myself doing that.

Housesitting for emily while shes been gone on business this summer has got me kind of freaked out about moving in in three weeks. I don’t know how i can handle it in reality. We just have different standards for living. She’s used to and ok with the mess that comes with three dogs and a cat in a two bed two bath house. I’m not. I don’t really want to be “used to it”. I have higher standards for cleanlieness.

I’ll be honest i made myself vomit before writing this post and im starting to shake from the empty. I’m having trouble typing and want to get more food but i dont think i will. I almost have gained 10 pounds this summer because i havent really been restricting or puking until this week. Which i think is because ive been stressed out about emilys house. And living here. 

I dont know how much responsibility she expects me to take for the animals. I don’t really want to take any. I mean i love them but at the end of the day they aren’t mine. And i just. I’m not a person who can handle taking care of other living creatures shit. I find feeding them a hassle and letting them out and having to pay attention to them when they want me to. I’m not an ideal pet owner. At all.

And i want to be able to have a senior year. And that means making that 1 hour roundtrip drive back to my hometown on a semi regular basis. And not worring about being home in time to feed dogs because emily is also out doing something that night.

I guess im just worried because i dont completely know what it is she’s expecting from me. And we haven’t had to really communicate like this before so I’m scared because even though i KNOW she’s different, she still was raised in the same family i was and im worried that trying to talk to her could be the same. (I have serious faith deep down it would be fine but im stilk worried, ya know?)

And i was rewatching gossip girl today and the episode where Serena and Dan have sex for the first time kinda got to me and got me thinking about what my therapist asked because of how serena tells dan “I’m just scared… because no guy has ever looked at me the way you just did”

And i know exactly what she’s talking about. And i dont know if i have that rule that i cant have sex and have feelings. I think the idea of that freaks me out. I think imagining that makes me nervous.

I think what i want at the end of the day is to have someone steady to come home to but still be allowed to mess around on the side and have fun with other people. I think that’s my ideal scenario. But i dont know exactly where or how to find a person who could check all my boxes like that. 

And sam and i talked the other day about if we “think we’re just prolonging the inevitable [us dating]?” Becuase our relationship is pretty much exactly what I’d want from a true partner but i dont want to date him. Because im not in that mindset of serious relationship yet. And because i dont know that that attraction really exists towards him. He said he figured we could be. That maybe some day twenty years down the line if we were still close something could happen, but he agreed that right now that… spark i guess? Just isn’t there. He said he figured our relationship was just pure companionship, referring to the triangle of relationships, and how we have the foundations of the triangle but not the tip. 

And my friend savanna i feel so comfortable around. And we kiss each other on a regular basis and we call each other our girlfriends and hold hands and cuddle sometimes and say that were in love with each other while at the same time messing around with guys and telling each other all about it and i really like that. And it’s probably about a third joking and two thirds serious, if not more. And sometimes i wonder about what if we were really actually like that? What if we were in a commited lesbian relationship and still fooled around with others on the side? It doesn’t really sound all that bad. Coming home to that beautiful girl and getting to lay in bed with her and look at her and make her smile? Hold her hand? Kiss her? It sounds lovely. 

But the having sex aspect of that kind of weirds me out. I think mostly because im worried about things getting ruined. And also i dont know that thats what she wants (probably a good sign i should just buck up and ask, eh?)

Sex has only ever ruined my relationships with the people. I guess maybe this is just another narrative i have to try and rewrite, cuz so far I’d say I’ve done pretty good with the whole “guys only ever want me for sex” trope. But maybe i just also haven’t met the right person yet. I don’t know.

There’s lots I don’t know about yet. That’s ok. And probably also the way it should be. I’ll get it figured out. I’m just a bit stressed and lonely right now i guess.

Chat later.

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Howdy

Hi guys. I haven’t posted in a while. Think we might have some catching up to do.

Hi, my name is Naomi. For those of you who don’t keep up with me regularly (which is likely most if not all of you), and for those of you who do, here is a crash course into who I am currently.

I am almost 18 years old. In one month I will be moving out of my house with my parents in a rural town to move in with my sister in a city somewhat north of Seattle. I am going to be a senior in high school participating in a program in my state called running that allows high school students to gain dual credits while attending a community college. I have hopes to attend a real university in the Carolina’s next year to be closer with my family living on the east coast and to meet new people and expose myself to the different cultures brewing up throughout the US.

I have worked in retail for nearly 2 years and have loved it until recently. Sometimes customer service is incredibly rewarding; the satisfaction that comes with helping people and seeing them be truly thankfuk for your help is an accomplishment all its own. Beyond that, I love every single one of my coworkers. Until one of my friends got promoted to “head cashier” and has since become somewhat of a tyrant. For that, I am thankful to be leaving soon. By the middle of September I should be a licensed and practicing Nurses Assistant working in an assisted livin home. I hope to gain extra training to allow me to work specifically in restorative therapy. Mostly though, I’m in it for the higher paycheck.

When I get to college next year I hope to focus on biology or bio-chem, with minors in neuroscience and/or computer science and/or psychology. Since most of the schools I’m interested in applying to are liberal arts colleges, this actually isn’t too far fetched. I like understanding who people are and why they’re like that, and I think it’s crazy to think that all of it is predetermined and hardwired into the way your brain, a single organ in your body, operates. And I think it’s even crazier how mallelable it can be in new and different situations, and how you can retrain your brain to think and behave differently. I want to understand exactly how it works.

My name is Naomi and I’m not very close with my parents. I feel like a shitty daughter most of the time for how distant we are but I don’t know what I can or what I’m supposed to do about it. We never were close. Not really. It’s just that now all of a sudden they notice. Now all of a sudden they care even though they didn’t before. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about that.

I have an eating disorder. It usually gets triggered when my family makes me feel like shit. This means that the holidays are a double whammy. I haven’t had a good thanksgiving or a good christmas in probably four years. When it all started, actually. Whenever I feel like a total complete outsider or like I’m feeling too much or feeling inappropriate emotions for a situation, I shut down and numb out by not eating. I let the hunger take over instead. I become zombie like. I drink water and eat minuscule amounts of food throughout the day. This last christmas triggered one of my worst cycles with the disorder in a while. I restricted my eating from January until March, and then from April until June I practiced a lot of bulimic behaviors because I was so terrified of gaining weight but couldn’t control my cravings anymore. Plus, chewing, especially on crunchy things like banana chips, helps my anxiety. It’s like a compulsion when I start. I can’t bring myself to stop and then I feel like the most disgusting, unloveable pig on the planet. And it just triggers more anxiety which triggers either more eating or vomiting. And vomiting always leaves me numb again. Then from June to July I mostly just binged. Constantly. I’ve mostly stopped vomiting because I find it isn’t helpful anymore in what I’m trying to accomplish for myself emotionally. Which is probably still just control. This week though, the first week in August, my mom triggered it for me again. I lost my appetite almost completely. We’ll just have to see where it goes this time. I have been talking to my therapist about getting dedicated and more consistent help and support for this, but we’ll just have to see where I am when I’ve moved out. I’d be more comfortable changing my habits and lifestyle regarding such a sensitive topic as this in the presence of Emily rather than my parents. Go figure.
My name is Naomi and I’ve been questioning my sexuality since February. I always told myself that sexuality is fluid and that it can change depending on where and who you are at the moment in your life. Laregly I still believe this, but I also wonder how much of that was me just trying to leave the door open for me to explore. Sex wth Doug was really good. But all my other sexual encounters have been… subpar. I definitely enjoyed Jared more than Doug, but he didn’t make me feel as good physically. And also… I don’t know how much I like straight sex? I stopped masturbating after the whole sexting with Doug thing happened twice (from October to November and then again from February to April). And even then, those were pretty much the only times I masturbated. And I haven’t been interested at all in sex unless a person is physically in front of me since that. And even then, it’s kind of a long shot. The main reason Jared and I ended up fucking was because we were drunk. 

I wonder if I have sex and go after guys more becuase I’m trying to convince myself that I’m straight than because I actually like them. I wonder if maybe I have such an extreme case of internalized homophobia that I seek out attention from men to try and persuade myself that that’s what I want. “See? Isn’t it nice to feel validated? To feel hot and sexy?” Maybe that’s why I have such a fucked relationship with men and relationships. Because I know deep down that I don’t want a man at all. 

I have a hard time deciding if a guy is “hot” in my eyes. All my friends can look at one and instantly tell me if he’s cute or not and why. It’s a lot harder for me. I have to really look and pick. Maybe it’s because I’m just not that “superficial”. But maybe it’s because I’m gay.

There was a girl on one of my tours for a college today. She was really pretty. Gorgeous. She smiled at me a few times. We ended up talking at the end of the tour while we walked with our mom’s to the gift shop / book store. She was super cute, from Kentucky, and nice. I wish I had asked her name. And thinking about her gives me these excited butterflies? Especially when I think about how she was looking at me and then smiled when I made eye contact. And on the drive back up to Virginia, I was thinking about her, and about all of this, and if my mom hadn’t been in the car with me I would have broke down crying. Because what if I really am gay? What if I’m a lesbian and I’ve been lying to myself and to my friends for all these years? Would they look at me the same? Or would they get paranoid whenever I showed them affection, thinking I secretly just wanted to fuck them or I was actually making a move? And what if I’m a lesbian but no girls like me? It’s hard enough feeling like guys find me attractive, but switching over to girls? Standards get higher. There are so many prettier girls than me. 

I feel like maybe I’m just terrified of the implications. I feel like I’m terrified of the possibility I have been lying to myself. Of the possibility that I haven’t had sex with anyone because I actually liked them but because I was trying to prove something to myself. And I’m scared too because what if I’m doing all this questioning, and it turns out I am straight? Was I just doing it for attention? To try and jump on the train of people who struggle with internalized homophobia and who are homosexual? All I do is question myself. The car ride tonight left me scared and sad and feeling so lonely.  What if I am actually a lesbian? Does that change how I see myself? How I act or dress? Does it change my philosophies or things I thought were vital to who I was? I don’t know. I haven’t gotten that far yet.

And I’ve always been so much better at creating deep and personally close relationships with women. I’ve only had one deep and close relationship with a guy, Sam, and I’ve beat myself up over why I’m not attracted to him on and off for months. Sometimes I think I trick myself into thinking that I am and then realize again that, no, actually I’m not. And I can’t tell you why. Because from a rational and factual stand point, he would be perfect for me. We would be the perfect couple. We’re honest, communicate well, express ourselves openly to each other on a regular basis, we have fun, and we challenge each other in positive and healthy growth oriented ways. Literally the GOALS OF A MODERN DAY RELATIONSHIP and he is the last person I’m interested in. And I can’t help but wonder if maybe it’s because I’m a lesbian????? How else do you explain being so opposed to dating someone? Or to dating men just in general. With Doug I had a hard time in the beginning with putting a lable on it, with calling him my boyfriend or with saying we were in a relationship. And I don’t know if that would be different for me if I was with girl. If maybe I have such negative feelings about it because I know deep down that I don’t want to be with a guy. 

I don’t know. There’s a lot of things I don’t know right now, but I’m trying to figure it out. 

Thanks for reading, if you did. I appreciate it.

I had a hookup in some guys pickup

Alright so i had my first real hook up this week. It was on monday with this guy wjo is two years older and i could tell that more than half of the stuff he told me was lies?? Like he was tryna tell me that he never hooks up with people so this was a new thing for him too and shit like that to try and make me feel more comfortable with hooking up with him? 
Had i not already had my mind made up that it was gona be a one and done thing i probably wouldve been more like “lol yeah ok sure” and made it clear i wasnt eating his bs cuz like boy really? But since i already had my mind made up i figured it really didnt matter in the long run all that mattered was i got my meaningless hookup.

Anyway it was a solid 4/10 experience. I think deep down hes probably a sweet guy but i can tell he thinks about all the different angles and ways people see and think about him which really trips him up and so hes manipulative to try and make sure i saw him the way he wanted to be seen. 

And he got really caught up and dedicated to getting me to squirt?? But im not a squirter and tried to tell him that but he DID NOT let up and so it felt good and everything but it was like. Boring after a while. The parts that were the best were definitely when we were grinding fuckin hell.

But more than anything i just kinda noticed how it was NOTHING like it was with doug. At all. Doug sent shivers down my spine with every touch and sound and drove me mad with how good it felt. And i think it just had something to do with the chemistry doug and i had compared to the complete lack of it that i had with this other guy. And its not really that its made me miss doug again. More just like… solidified the idea that im glad he was ultimately my first because i got to have a really good positive first time and experience that honestly has helped make me pretty confident with my ability in bed and stuff. And it also just kinda helped me appreciate myself more because i was worried at times that the thing that happened with doug was a sign that ill fall for anyone who gives me attention. But thats clearly not the case considering that this guy was 10x more affectionate than doug ever was, like there was cuddling after and lots of sweet kisses and hand holding and things like that and it was nice. But it also wasnt enough. And it wasnt what i wanted from him ultimately. And yeah. I feel better about how i seem to be approaching love and relationships now i guess? 

Like im not as worried now that im super super desperate and ill fall back into a thing like Doug again super easily. I am a bit disappointed tho that i may be the kind of person who needs to have a connection with someone to actually enjoy the sex tho thats kinda saddening like damn really closes some doors for me lol but at the end of the day it means not anyone is going to be able to get me enveloped in them super easily.

The only problem now is that this guy is still sending me snaps and wont let up and i havent responded since that night omg he wants to hook up again but like ehhh nah bro thanks tho. So this’ll be interesting in the follow weeks or days. I hope its only days.

10 minutes

nine months have passed.

here he is lying in my bed again,

lying through his teeth again

 “i missed us being friends”

he says as i slide his half hard cock down the back of my throat.

my arms and body shook with the anticipation

with nerves

with “wow isn’t this just weird?”

my lips wrap around him slowly

up and down up and down up and down.

i take him back until i hit the base

where pubes tickle at my nose

he’s lost somewhere down my throat,

while what i really want –

the person who i want to be –

is lost somewhere on my floor;

cushioned by my bra.

10 minutes have passed.

he’s finished and i’ve swallowed.

“Do I say thank you?”

he asks.

I shrug.

he leaves.

i’m left.

I felt creative. I read these articles (this one and this one) and it got me thinking about how i haven’t ever really written a graphic poem before. and i wanted to experiment with not only doing that, but also with playing around with different types of formatting. so here’s my first attempt. it’s probably not fantastic haha but like most all of my poems i have select bits that i really like. i want to do more with embracing my experience as a woman and a teenage girl and being a sexual being and being a fragile one at the same time. so here’s my first go at trying to accomplish that.