i sat paralyzed in my driveway today.
the spring rain softly pelted the windshield of my parked car.
my heart pounded in my chest and my hands wouldn’t stop fidgeting in my lap.
i just want to try to get better but sitting in math class today all i could think about was how scared i am.
i’m in a writing mood where i have no fucking idea what to say but i know i want to write.
i have a problem. that problem is self esteem. and confidence. and know what i do and dont deserve and making choices that reflect that in a positive way.
Alright so i had my first real hook up this week. It was on monday with this guy wjo is two years older and i could tell that more than half of the stuff he told me was lies?? Like he was tryna tell me that he never hooks up with people so this was a new thing for him too and shit like that to try and make me feel more comfortable with hooking up with him?
Had i not already had my mind made up that it was gona be a one and done thing i probably wouldve been more like “lol yeah ok sure” and made it clear i wasnt eating his bs cuz like boy really? But since i already had my mind made up i figured it really didnt matter in the long run all that mattered was i got my meaningless hookup.
Anyway it was a solid 4/10 experience. I think deep down hes probably a sweet guy but i can tell he thinks about all the different angles and ways people see and think about him which really trips him up and so hes manipulative to try and make sure i saw him the way he wanted to be seen.
And he got really caught up and dedicated to getting me to squirt?? But im not a squirter and tried to tell him that but he DID NOT let up and so it felt good and everything but it was like. Boring after a while. The parts that were the best were definitely when we were grinding fuckin hell.
But more than anything i just kinda noticed how it was NOTHING like it was with doug. At all. Doug sent shivers down my spine with every touch and sound and drove me mad with how good it felt. And i think it just had something to do with the chemistry doug and i had compared to the complete lack of it that i had with this other guy. And its not really that its made me miss doug again. More just like… solidified the idea that im glad he was ultimately my first because i got to have a really good positive first time and experience that honestly has helped make me pretty confident with my ability in bed and stuff. And it also just kinda helped me appreciate myself more because i was worried at times that the thing that happened with doug was a sign that ill fall for anyone who gives me attention. But thats clearly not the case considering that this guy was 10x more affectionate than doug ever was, like there was cuddling after and lots of sweet kisses and hand holding and things like that and it was nice. But it also wasnt enough. And it wasnt what i wanted from him ultimately. And yeah. I feel better about how i seem to be approaching love and relationships now i guess?
Like im not as worried now that im super super desperate and ill fall back into a thing like Doug again super easily. I am a bit disappointed tho that i may be the kind of person who needs to have a connection with someone to actually enjoy the sex tho thats kinda saddening like damn really closes some doors for me lol but at the end of the day it means not anyone is going to be able to get me enveloped in them super easily.
The only problem now is that this guy is still sending me snaps and wont let up and i havent responded since that night omg he wants to hook up again but like ehhh nah bro thanks tho. So this’ll be interesting in the follow weeks or days. I hope its only days.
nine months have passed.
here he is lying in my bed again,
lying through his teeth again
“i missed us being friends”
he says as i slide his half hard cock down the back of my throat.
my arms and body shook with the anticipation
with “wow isn’t this just weird?”
my lips wrap around him slowly
up and down up and down up and down.
i take him back until i hit the base
where pubes tickle at my nose
he’s lost somewhere down my throat,
while what i really want –
the person who i want to be –
is lost somewhere on my floor;
cushioned by my bra.
10 minutes have passed.
he’s finished and i’ve swallowed.
“Do I say thank you?”
I felt creative. I read these articles (this one and this one) and it got me thinking about how i haven’t ever really written a graphic poem before. and i wanted to experiment with not only doing that, but also with playing around with different types of formatting. so here’s my first attempt. it’s probably not fantastic haha but like most all of my poems i have select bits that i really like. i want to do more with embracing my experience as a woman and a teenage girl and being a sexual being and being a fragile one at the same time. so here’s my first go at trying to accomplish that.
everything feels really pointless???
idk i don’t have any motivation rn and i don’t wana do anything but at the same i really wanna do something??
Doug and I are going to have sex this week. Just sex.
And we’ve sexted twice already.
And after the second time (last night) I figured out my feelings about the situation. And it’s not that I’m not going to enjoy the sex while it happens. Im going to love the sex. It’s just that afterwards I’m going to feel gross. And alone. Because it’s not like I’m having sex with him because I really really want to, it’s because I don’t feel like I have any other options and I’ve decided that something is better than nothing, right?
And I’m already annoyed with him talking to me because everytime it’s pretty much the same. It’s a play to try and get me to sexy him more. And I’m already fed up with it and it’s only been a few days.
Despite realizing all this though I’m still planning on doing it. Even though I know it’s just going to give me gross feelings to deal with in the aftermath and I may end up choosing to do it again and again and again despite better judgement.
He says he missed me but we both know it wasn’t me he missed, what he missed was having something to out his dick into. And at the end of the day I haven’t missed him at all for the last three months so it’s not that it’s really that upsetting in regards to him specifically it’s just a low blow to my self esteem that I’m giving to myself.
Mostly just needed to voice my knowing I’m an idiot before it happens. I’ll let you know how it goes.