rollercoaster

March 19th, 2017:

i dont like feeling like a kid and i feel like a kid

i felt like my dad today.

it started out just anxiety which is relatively manageable and then just like morphed into self esteem problems and self hate and all that jazz and i don’t really even know why i just.

ugh. and it was at work too and i feel like now everyone is annoyed with me and thinks i’m a child and overdramatic and i just got in this head trip i couldn’t get out of and it just felt so shitty and i was more mad at myself than literally anyone else.

i felt like a gross unlikeable human being because i feel like that’s what i am. i feel like i am so worthless and dumb and pigheaded. i feel like no one can ever really like me if they get to know me. i feel like even sam is going to find a reason to hate me someday or hate being around me. i feel like the most annoying person ever. and it’s really hard feeling like this is who you are underneath everything on a subconscious level everyday.

i feel like running away and i feel like everyone around me just feels wrong and not right.

i haven’t been taking my immunosuppressants like the last week and thats really bad for me. that puts me at a lot of risk. and i don’t really know why exactly i haven’t been taking them but i haven’t.

i just kinda hate myself. a lot. i dont know how to undo that. i don’t know what to do with that.

today just sucks. a lot. and i just wish i could drop contact with everyone and run away and start a new life and be a new person but i can’t because i have to finish school if i want to actually get a job with a salary i can live with plus i want to go to college and shit.

i have this heavy weight in my chest and no words to describe it. it’s just hard. and i’m just upset.

I wish i had the words. i wish i could use tem to cut out this feeling. all these feelings.

i tried so long to ignore my self esteem by using the mentality of “just because i feel like everyone around me doesn’t care for me or finds me repulsive doesn’t mean i have to take any stock in it.” but of course if that’s how you think everyone else sees you then it’s going to affect your internal dialogue and how you see yourself.

I honestly see myself being alone when i’m in my thirties. i see myself without friends or people who care about me. i don’t think it’s possible for it to be any different. and even if there are people i’m still going to feel alone. and it just looks so horrible. awful. scary. unhappy.

March 26th, 2017:

alright so it’s been a week since i wrote that. to be honest i haven’t re read it before writing this piece. I don’t really want to.

i stopped in the middle of writing that to go to lisa’s (she’s my best friend’s mom who is like a second mom to me) because i couldn’t stand to be in my house anymore and was having a bit of a panic attack and needed to get out. and she really helped me a lot.

i told her about what had happened at work that day and how annoyed with myself i was. and i told her about my mom and family when i was growing up.

she told me to be unapologetic. to take a hit and move on. get back up and turn the other way. not think about it again. for some reason that never really felt like that was an option when i make an error? but hearing someone tell me to do that was empowering.

she also told me that it serves no purpose to tell yourself that people don’t enjoy your company or presence. especially when there’s so much proof it’s not true.

“i do it too. i still struggle with shutting myself down because i feel like the people around me must think i’m annoying or an idiot or whatever. even when i know they don’t!” and that helped too.

and i read a horoscope for this week related to the new moon in aries for my ascendant sign (capricorn).

I am here to claim the fact that I can take the goodness past down to me and I can graciously work to deconstruct what was ill-conceived.

I use Monday’s new moon to remind myself of all that I wish to build upon. I use Monday’s new moon to remind myself of all that I wish to renovate. I use Monday’s new moon to make peace with what couldn’t hold me and to make a decisive decision to figure out how to hold myself. I ask for courage to part from all that erodes my infrastructure and the ingenuity needed to redesign it so that it might hold all that I hope to invite in.

I am building my life by layering the best of what I can salvage for its base. Layer by layer, I build my best. Layer by layer, I live up to all I can.”

i really like that.

and i don’t know what else to really say?

i mean i started eating again mostly because my brain works in a cycle and it’s pretty normal for it to only last a few months. but i’m still not happy with my body or really even with myself. and i haven’t been good at taking my immunosuppressants lately. and i don’t really know why? i’ll notice i haven’t taken them but then won’t make an effort to take them. and it wouldn’t be that big a deal except that it’s been happening for like two weeks now and that’s the only thing keeping my body from eating itself. and lately i’ve been having slight joint pain in my right hand which is extra bad. ugh.

i’ve had a low grade headache for the last like three weeks. one of those that you have long enough you ignore and isn’t even really that bad it’s just enough to be slightly disruptive. so that’s annoying.

and my coworker. zach. jesus.

he’s hugged me three times in the last two weeks. and two of those times were yesterday. and i just am so infatuated with him. and the hugging DOES NOT HELP and also just confuses me because i really try hard to not put too much stock into anything he does but he looks at me a lot and i love talking to him and i love everything about him and i just can’t focus or put too much into him because he is TWENTY FUCKING FIVE and i am just SEVENTEEN and i won’t even be eighteen for another FIVE MONTHS and it’s just ridiculous to have any hope of anything with this guy. especially because it’s just so unlikely for him to even be comfortable with going for it EVEN IF he did or does have feelings for me too. and i just feel so stupid. i wish i could not like him because it would just be so much fucking easier if i didn’t. like he’s generally one of the only things i think about which i just find beyond frustrating.

i don’t know what else there is to say. i’m doing better lately though. i guess. i don’t really know. but does anyone ever?

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