I’ve been bursting with love lately. For the kids that I nanny for. For my friends. For Zach. Ive been feeling it more intensely than I have in a while. I feel it fill my whole chest.
It leaves feeling both whole and somehow empty, especially with the kids. Like I see their insecurities and all I want is to fill them up with confidence and positivity and love and compassion so they can grow up happier than the rest of us. I see how their parents are falling short without meaning to and it reminds me of my own in some ways. I guess they’re helping me see more of my 6 year old self who didn’t get the love or the protection she needed. I watch them try to grapple with the way their parents react to certain things and the purity behind their confusion and upset while they try to figure out what went wrong resonates so deeply in me. I remember trying anything I could do to feel like my mom was noticing me. I remember trying to be funny or sassy just to get some kind of a positive reaction, and when that didn’t work I resorted to fits and anger and crying. I just wanted my momma. But a 6 year old cant identify what exact things their parents do that are making them upset. Josie is 10 and she’s good at mentioning some examples where her mom doesnt make her feel good, but if she tried to express it it would be too easy for her mom to brush it off.
I just want to fill the people around me with the love I dont feel like I’ve gotten. I just want the people i care about to feel like they’re enough.
But i have to be careful that i dont get so wrapped up in them that i forget myself.