i sat paralyzed in my driveway today.
the spring rain softly pelted the windshield of my parked car.
my heart pounded in my chest and my hands wouldn’t stop fidgeting in my lap.
i just want to try to get better but sitting in math class today all i could think about was how scared i am.
I’m Building a Fire by Death Cab for Cutie:
The embers will grow and remind you what you already know
That the night is only a temporary absence of light.
Ok. Death. Here goes.
It scares the living shit out of me.
It always has. And a big part of me does believe in reincarnation and that we live many and multiple lives and that I’ll be born again but what scares me is that it’ll be a new life and I won’t know that this was a life I led one time. I won’t know the people I know today as these people, they’ll be reborn too or I won’t even encounter them at all in the next life and that’s horrifying. And thinking about how I just became one day out of nothing and I wasn’t here at one point is equally scary because it’s basically the exact same thing as death but in reverse, there’s a moment before where I have no memory and there will be an eternity at the end where I have no memory. And a large part of me wishes like hell I didn’t have to have been born at all to have to try and grapple with this shit or that I was raised to be religious so that I could be conditioned into believing with my entire being that there is an afterlife and a God who loves and cares about us. And I hate that I don’t have a say in it and that I don’t get to know for sure. That the only thing I have to make me believe in my theory is this feeling. And I hate that I will literally blink and be on my deathbed, about to die and thinking back over my life. I’ve already blinked and just ended up here and I’m going to blink again and suddenly be 30 and then again and I’ll be 60 and if I manage to live long enough then I’ll end up being 80 and not knowing where time went and how I ended up there. Lots of people I will have loved and love will already be dead. None of this lasts. All society is is a distraction from the inevitable. Religion began to give explanations to things we couldn’t wrap our heads around and provide comfort in these kinds of situations. And from what I’ve gathered, through religion/mythology and sharing of stories, society started to take form. Or maybe it all happened at once or it’s all tangled up together with bits and pieces happening before, with, and after others. I don’t know for sure. But I do know that it played a large part in how we decided to form our cultures. Literally everything we do is just to distract us and help pass time because when we started to become conscious and questioning beings it was all too much for us. Other animals live just with the hope of surviving and passing on their genes. And to an extent this is still largely true for us too as a species but it shows in other, different ways.
And I’m just really terrified. Really, really terrified. Are you seeing the theme here? Things that I have no control over and the things that I don’t know anything about scare the living shit out of me, to the point where I adopt semi-self destructive and potentially harmful habits to help cope with it.
Everything feels pointless and stupid right now. And I resent pretty much every aspect of society for having evolved into something so controlling that you don’t get to have a real say in anything, but the simple truth is that we’re all still linked at the end of the day by the fact that we were born and we will die again only to enter into the next phase of nonexistence. What even is existing? All of this could be fake I could be some weird, long, thought daydream someone is having. I could literally be some equivalent of a Sims Game. What the actual hell is life and existence?
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just extremely cynical and morbid. And maybe this is subconsciously happening every August because it’s almost my birthday. Or because down the line I end up dying at the end of August and I just have some weird psychic feeling about it. It wouldn’t be a bad month to die in. And maybe I’m just fucking crazy and sitting inside some insane asylum and this is all an intricate delusion I’ve created for myself. No one can really say for sure.
In the morning you’ll wake with the ashes of a memory
And the sun on your face and I will not seem so far away.