Figuring it out

My therapist asked me this question last week:

“Do you think you could have some unspoken rule that sex and feelings can’t exist in the same place at the same time? It’s ok if you don’t even know, but maybe try and think about it a bit.”
This post is going to go all over the place in lots of directions that to me currently feel unrelated. But maybe they are deep down. I dont know yet. 
I texted sam “i dont even have a totally valid reason for why i still do it anymore” (referring to purging)

I tried to analyze myself while i was doing it. I think i like that relaxed feeling i get at the end. I think i do it for that mostly. Feeling empty and calm afterwards is nice. Cleansing. I’m sure there could be healthier ways to achieve it but that’s what i have right now that works. 

I want to pick up running but im nervous about it. Maybe even scared. I think maybe because I don’t fully believe i could do it. Not like it’s actually possible to fail at running but i dont know. I’m still nervous. And about dumb parts too. Like about people on the street judging me. Which why would they even do that. And why does their opinion matter anyway. And if they’re judging me doesnt that just make them ridiculous? 

I’m also nervous about my lung. Running would force me to feel the only reminder of my disease. And i dont know how much is good to “push through the pain”. You’re supposed to stop when it hurts but I don’t know if that rule still applies to this? 

There’s a lookout about six blocks from my sisters house. I could easily run/walk there every morning if i wanted to once i moved in. Get up early. See the sunrise every morning. I think i can see myself doing that.

Housesitting for emily while shes been gone on business this summer has got me kind of freaked out about moving in in three weeks. I don’t know how i can handle it in reality. We just have different standards for living. She’s used to and ok with the mess that comes with three dogs and a cat in a two bed two bath house. I’m not. I don’t really want to be “used to it”. I have higher standards for cleanlieness.

I’ll be honest i made myself vomit before writing this post and im starting to shake from the empty. I’m having trouble typing and want to get more food but i dont think i will. I almost have gained 10 pounds this summer because i havent really been restricting or puking until this week. Which i think is because ive been stressed out about emilys house. And living here. 

I dont know how much responsibility she expects me to take for the animals. I don’t really want to take any. I mean i love them but at the end of the day they aren’t mine. And i just. I’m not a person who can handle taking care of other living creatures shit. I find feeding them a hassle and letting them out and having to pay attention to them when they want me to. I’m not an ideal pet owner. At all.

And i want to be able to have a senior year. And that means making that 1 hour roundtrip drive back to my hometown on a semi regular basis. And not worring about being home in time to feed dogs because emily is also out doing something that night.

I guess im just worried because i dont completely know what it is she’s expecting from me. And we haven’t had to really communicate like this before so I’m scared because even though i KNOW she’s different, she still was raised in the same family i was and im worried that trying to talk to her could be the same. (I have serious faith deep down it would be fine but im stilk worried, ya know?)

And i was rewatching gossip girl today and the episode where Serena and Dan have sex for the first time kinda got to me and got me thinking about what my therapist asked because of how serena tells dan “I’m just scared… because no guy has ever looked at me the way you just did”

And i know exactly what she’s talking about. And i dont know if i have that rule that i cant have sex and have feelings. I think the idea of that freaks me out. I think imagining that makes me nervous.

I think what i want at the end of the day is to have someone steady to come home to but still be allowed to mess around on the side and have fun with other people. I think that’s my ideal scenario. But i dont know exactly where or how to find a person who could check all my boxes like that. 

And sam and i talked the other day about if we “think we’re just prolonging the inevitable [us dating]?” Becuase our relationship is pretty much exactly what I’d want from a true partner but i dont want to date him. Because im not in that mindset of serious relationship yet. And because i dont know that that attraction really exists towards him. He said he figured we could be. That maybe some day twenty years down the line if we were still close something could happen, but he agreed that right now that… spark i guess? Just isn’t there. He said he figured our relationship was just pure companionship, referring to the triangle of relationships, and how we have the foundations of the triangle but not the tip. 

And my friend savanna i feel so comfortable around. And we kiss each other on a regular basis and we call each other our girlfriends and hold hands and cuddle sometimes and say that were in love with each other while at the same time messing around with guys and telling each other all about it and i really like that. And it’s probably about a third joking and two thirds serious, if not more. And sometimes i wonder about what if we were really actually like that? What if we were in a commited lesbian relationship and still fooled around with others on the side? It doesn’t really sound all that bad. Coming home to that beautiful girl and getting to lay in bed with her and look at her and make her smile? Hold her hand? Kiss her? It sounds lovely. 

But the having sex aspect of that kind of weirds me out. I think mostly because im worried about things getting ruined. And also i dont know that thats what she wants (probably a good sign i should just buck up and ask, eh?)

Sex has only ever ruined my relationships with the people. I guess maybe this is just another narrative i have to try and rewrite, cuz so far I’d say I’ve done pretty good with the whole “guys only ever want me for sex” trope. But maybe i just also haven’t met the right person yet. I don’t know.

There’s lots I don’t know about yet. That’s ok. And probably also the way it should be. I’ll get it figured out. I’m just a bit stressed and lonely right now i guess.

Chat later.

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Howdy

Hi guys. I haven’t posted in a while. Think we might have some catching up to do.

Hi, my name is Naomi. For those of you who don’t keep up with me regularly (which is likely most if not all of you), and for those of you who do, here is a crash course into who I am currently.

I am almost 18 years old. In one month I will be moving out of my house with my parents in a rural town to move in with my sister in a city somewhat north of Seattle. I am going to be a senior in high school participating in a program in my state called running that allows high school students to gain dual credits while attending a community college. I have hopes to attend a real university in the Carolina’s next year to be closer with my family living on the east coast and to meet new people and expose myself to the different cultures brewing up throughout the US.

I have worked in retail for nearly 2 years and have loved it until recently. Sometimes customer service is incredibly rewarding; the satisfaction that comes with helping people and seeing them be truly thankfuk for your help is an accomplishment all its own. Beyond that, I love every single one of my coworkers. Until one of my friends got promoted to “head cashier” and has since become somewhat of a tyrant. For that, I am thankful to be leaving soon. By the middle of September I should be a licensed and practicing Nurses Assistant working in an assisted livin home. I hope to gain extra training to allow me to work specifically in restorative therapy. Mostly though, I’m in it for the higher paycheck.

When I get to college next year I hope to focus on biology or bio-chem, with minors in neuroscience and/or computer science and/or psychology. Since most of the schools I’m interested in applying to are liberal arts colleges, this actually isn’t too far fetched. I like understanding who people are and why they’re like that, and I think it’s crazy to think that all of it is predetermined and hardwired into the way your brain, a single organ in your body, operates. And I think it’s even crazier how mallelable it can be in new and different situations, and how you can retrain your brain to think and behave differently. I want to understand exactly how it works.

My name is Naomi and I’m not very close with my parents. I feel like a shitty daughter most of the time for how distant we are but I don’t know what I can or what I’m supposed to do about it. We never were close. Not really. It’s just that now all of a sudden they notice. Now all of a sudden they care even though they didn’t before. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about that.

I have an eating disorder. It usually gets triggered when my family makes me feel like shit. This means that the holidays are a double whammy. I haven’t had a good thanksgiving or a good christmas in probably four years. When it all started, actually. Whenever I feel like a total complete outsider or like I’m feeling too much or feeling inappropriate emotions for a situation, I shut down and numb out by not eating. I let the hunger take over instead. I become zombie like. I drink water and eat minuscule amounts of food throughout the day. This last christmas triggered one of my worst cycles with the disorder in a while. I restricted my eating from January until March, and then from April until June I practiced a lot of bulimic behaviors because I was so terrified of gaining weight but couldn’t control my cravings anymore. Plus, chewing, especially on crunchy things like banana chips, helps my anxiety. It’s like a compulsion when I start. I can’t bring myself to stop and then I feel like the most disgusting, unloveable pig on the planet. And it just triggers more anxiety which triggers either more eating or vomiting. And vomiting always leaves me numb again. Then from June to July I mostly just binged. Constantly. I’ve mostly stopped vomiting because I find it isn’t helpful anymore in what I’m trying to accomplish for myself emotionally. Which is probably still just control. This week though, the first week in August, my mom triggered it for me again. I lost my appetite almost completely. We’ll just have to see where it goes this time. I have been talking to my therapist about getting dedicated and more consistent help and support for this, but we’ll just have to see where I am when I’ve moved out. I’d be more comfortable changing my habits and lifestyle regarding such a sensitive topic as this in the presence of Emily rather than my parents. Go figure.
My name is Naomi and I’ve been questioning my sexuality since February. I always told myself that sexuality is fluid and that it can change depending on where and who you are at the moment in your life. Laregly I still believe this, but I also wonder how much of that was me just trying to leave the door open for me to explore. Sex wth Doug was really good. But all my other sexual encounters have been… subpar. I definitely enjoyed Jared more than Doug, but he didn’t make me feel as good physically. And also… I don’t know how much I like straight sex? I stopped masturbating after the whole sexting with Doug thing happened twice (from October to November and then again from February to April). And even then, those were pretty much the only times I masturbated. And I haven’t been interested at all in sex unless a person is physically in front of me since that. And even then, it’s kind of a long shot. The main reason Jared and I ended up fucking was because we were drunk. 

I wonder if I have sex and go after guys more becuase I’m trying to convince myself that I’m straight than because I actually like them. I wonder if maybe I have such an extreme case of internalized homophobia that I seek out attention from men to try and persuade myself that that’s what I want. “See? Isn’t it nice to feel validated? To feel hot and sexy?” Maybe that’s why I have such a fucked relationship with men and relationships. Because I know deep down that I don’t want a man at all. 

I have a hard time deciding if a guy is “hot” in my eyes. All my friends can look at one and instantly tell me if he’s cute or not and why. It’s a lot harder for me. I have to really look and pick. Maybe it’s because I’m just not that “superficial”. But maybe it’s because I’m gay.

There was a girl on one of my tours for a college today. She was really pretty. Gorgeous. She smiled at me a few times. We ended up talking at the end of the tour while we walked with our mom’s to the gift shop / book store. She was super cute, from Kentucky, and nice. I wish I had asked her name. And thinking about her gives me these excited butterflies? Especially when I think about how she was looking at me and then smiled when I made eye contact. And on the drive back up to Virginia, I was thinking about her, and about all of this, and if my mom hadn’t been in the car with me I would have broke down crying. Because what if I really am gay? What if I’m a lesbian and I’ve been lying to myself and to my friends for all these years? Would they look at me the same? Or would they get paranoid whenever I showed them affection, thinking I secretly just wanted to fuck them or I was actually making a move? And what if I’m a lesbian but no girls like me? It’s hard enough feeling like guys find me attractive, but switching over to girls? Standards get higher. There are so many prettier girls than me. 

I feel like maybe I’m just terrified of the implications. I feel like I’m terrified of the possibility I have been lying to myself. Of the possibility that I haven’t had sex with anyone because I actually liked them but because I was trying to prove something to myself. And I’m scared too because what if I’m doing all this questioning, and it turns out I am straight? Was I just doing it for attention? To try and jump on the train of people who struggle with internalized homophobia and who are homosexual? All I do is question myself. The car ride tonight left me scared and sad and feeling so lonely.  What if I am actually a lesbian? Does that change how I see myself? How I act or dress? Does it change my philosophies or things I thought were vital to who I was? I don’t know. I haven’t gotten that far yet.

And I’ve always been so much better at creating deep and personally close relationships with women. I’ve only had one deep and close relationship with a guy, Sam, and I’ve beat myself up over why I’m not attracted to him on and off for months. Sometimes I think I trick myself into thinking that I am and then realize again that, no, actually I’m not. And I can’t tell you why. Because from a rational and factual stand point, he would be perfect for me. We would be the perfect couple. We’re honest, communicate well, express ourselves openly to each other on a regular basis, we have fun, and we challenge each other in positive and healthy growth oriented ways. Literally the GOALS OF A MODERN DAY RELATIONSHIP and he is the last person I’m interested in. And I can’t help but wonder if maybe it’s because I’m a lesbian????? How else do you explain being so opposed to dating someone? Or to dating men just in general. With Doug I had a hard time in the beginning with putting a lable on it, with calling him my boyfriend or with saying we were in a relationship. And I don’t know if that would be different for me if I was with girl. If maybe I have such negative feelings about it because I know deep down that I don’t want to be with a guy. 

I don’t know. There’s a lot of things I don’t know right now, but I’m trying to figure it out. 

Thanks for reading, if you did. I appreciate it.

Having Another Existential Crisis at Almost Age 17.

I’m Building a Fire by Death Cab for Cutie:

The embers will grow and remind you what you already know
That the night is only a temporary absence of light.

Ok. Death. Here goes.

It scares the living shit out of me.

It always has. And a big part of me does believe in reincarnation and that we live many and multiple lives and that I’ll be born again but what scares me is that it’ll be a new life and I won’t know that this was a life I led one time. I won’t know the people I know today as these people, they’ll be reborn too or I won’t even encounter them at all in the next life and that’s horrifying. And thinking about how I just became one day out of nothing and I wasn’t here at one point is equally scary because it’s basically the exact same thing as death but in reverse, there’s a moment before where I have no memory and there will be an eternity at the end where I have no memory. And a large part of me wishes like hell I didn’t have to have been born at all to have to try and grapple with this shit or that I was raised to be religious so that I could be conditioned into believing with my entire being that there is an afterlife and a God who loves and cares about us. And I hate that I don’t have a say in it and that I don’t get to know for sure. That the only thing I have to make me believe in my theory is this feeling. And I hate that I will literally blink and be on my deathbed, about to die and thinking back over my life. I’ve already blinked and just ended up here and I’m going to blink again and suddenly be 30 and then again and I’ll be 60 and if I manage to live long enough then I’ll end up being 80 and not knowing where time went and how I ended up there. Lots of people I will have loved and love will already be dead. None of this lasts. All society is is a distraction from the inevitable. Religion began to give explanations to things we couldn’t wrap our heads around and provide comfort in these kinds of situations. And from what I’ve gathered, through religion/mythology and sharing of stories, society started to take form. Or maybe it all happened at once or it’s all tangled up together with bits and pieces happening before, with, and after others. I don’t know for sure. But I do know that it played a large part in how we decided to form our cultures. Literally everything we do is just to distract us and help pass time because when we started to become conscious and questioning beings it was all too much for us. Other animals live just with the hope of surviving and passing on their genes. And to an extent this is still largely true for us too as a species but it shows in other, different ways.

And I’m just really terrified. Really, really terrified. Are you seeing the theme here? Things that I have no control over and the things that I don’t know anything about scare the living shit out of me, to the point where I adopt semi-self destructive and potentially harmful habits to help cope with it.

Everything feels pointless and stupid right now. And I resent pretty much every aspect of society for having evolved into something so controlling that you don’t get to have a real say in anything, but the simple truth is that we’re all still linked at the end of the day by the fact that we were born and we will die again only to enter into the next phase of nonexistence. What even is existing? All of this could be fake I could be some weird, long, thought daydream someone is having. I could literally be some equivalent of a Sims Game. What the actual hell is life and existence?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just extremely cynical and morbid. And maybe this is subconsciously happening every August because it’s almost my birthday. Or because down the line I end up dying at the end of August and I just have some weird psychic feeling about it. It wouldn’t be a bad month to die in. And maybe I’m just fucking crazy and sitting inside some insane asylum and this is all an intricate delusion I’ve created for myself. No one can really say for sure.

In the morning you’ll wake with the ashes of a memory
And the sun on your face and I will not seem so far away.

Maybe One Day I’ll Die in August

Every August I grow scared again.

I fear the end and the unknown.

I fear what we are allowed to know and don’t know.

But by October I will have settled again.

The scramble in my stomach will have calmed,

And my heart will stop fluttering at the simple truth that we will die.

But until then August will grip my chest,

It will place in my head sweet roses with sharp thorned thoughts and vines that twist around and strangle me, suck the air from my lungs and steal the sunlight from my skin.

I don’t want to leave here.

I don’t want to have to say goodbye to the passing of time.

Is it better to have experienced a consciousness or to have gone on in sweet nonexistence, never experiencing the sweet tartness of fresh strawberries on your lips or the swell in your chest that another person can place so gently there?

At the end of the day, doesn’t it all get taken away anyway?

forest fire

the trees are ignited.

vulnerability didn’t get us anywhere.

just heartbreak and lies.

the animals are running away

putting up their boundaries again.

come too close and they’ll scatter,

like falling leaves and branches

hitting the flames and combusting.

 

you told me you loved me.

made me sit and think about if i loved you too.

when did love ever get us anywhere?

all it leaves is scars and questions of “what was meant to be”

 

i said i wanted to experience love. heartbreak.

and now that i’m here and its one sided im not sure why.

 

the trees are igniting.

my trust is up in flames.

hurry. hurry.

before the fire engulfs it all.

Fears

the deep sea terrifies me

the idea that there could be something big enough to swallow the earth scares me

never seeing the ones i love again makes me shake

knowing that i can destroy myself makes me watch my step
but how i feel about you,

that makes me tremble where i stand;

it makes me want to hide.

i want to know you; everything that goes on inside your head

and that scares me.

i dont even know whats going on inside of my head

so how can i ever figure out whats going on inside yours?

i think im slowly falling in love with you.