i have a problem. that problem is self esteem. and confidence. and know what i do and dont deserve and making choices that reflect that in a positive way.

doug started snapping me again for the third time. and it’s always just to sext or talk about getting together to fuck. and i encourage it. and why do i encourage it?

i literally hate him. and his behavior honestly makes me feel gross and annoyed most of the time. and yet each time he’s started up communication again i invite it and i encourage it and i sext him and snap him back and then i find myself thinking about him and thinking about the sex during the day when we aren’t talking.

it’s frustrating. i don’t even really enjoy sexting for one thing; i just like the attention i get from it. Knowing that he’s seeing my body and thinking about it and me. plus i know i don’t want him.  I want someone though. in some capacity. and at the end of the day he has been the only person who, if only for a few isolated moments, helped me feel like i was worth something. Like i was wanted and loveable and like it was possible for someone to really be interested in me.

and now it’s morphed so that all these interactions do is prove the statement that the only thing i’m good for is sex. that im only worth something while i’m good looking and my body is slim and my face is presentable. that if i put on weight or when i get old and i’m not as youthful and pretty then i’m going to automatically be less likeable.

It’s weird because it used to be that I felt like I was ugly. straight trash. but now i have all this positive reinforcement that I look good but not that i’m a good person or a likeable person or a person people would want to really be with.

and i put a lot of focus on the romantic side of this but it really extends to every relationship. i feel like a lot of my friends don’t really care how close we stay or about staying in touch. part of moving in with my sister is a test; it’s seeing who wants to stay in my life even though i’m farther away and who doesn’t think to talk to me anymore. i’m worried it will be all of them who stop talking to me.

i’m worried that my only two options are superficial relationships with people based on my looks or being ugly.

i don’t want to keep talking to doug. but i want that closeness. i want that illusion of intimacy. i want to fake for a few hours that i’m desired in a way that aligns with how i would like to be. i find it hard to convince myself otherwise.

it makes me feel weak. and stupid. so incredibly stupid. like the classic teenage girl with no self esteem that i used to look at and be like “how could they ever be in that situation and not stand up for what they actually want?” and now i’m here and it’s just…

it’s just frustrating not actually wanting to do something but knowing that when it comes down to it i’m still going to.

i feel like i’m his bitch. his toy. i feel used again. and this time it’s definitely my fault. but i don’t know how i pull myself out of the trap i set up for myself.

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