pros and cons

might be triggering if you’ve suffered an eating disorder. i’m trying to figure out what i like about them because that was something that struck me when my therapist asked why i liked it; i wasn’t really able to describe it well. so here’s another attempt at scratching the surface:


something about it is relaxing. like you can purge away any tension you had and after it’s done you can feel your body go limp if you let it and you can fall back and feel like you’re melting into the floor. You’re less bloated, you’re more relaxed. Soothing music flows into your ears and you can close your eyes and feel normal.


i can prove to myself that i’m in control. that i have willpower. that i can do something. i can push myself. if i feel like really pushing it i can make myself feel light and airy, almost something you could compare to being high if you wanted. it doesn’t last as long though, and usually the headache that follows is one that seems to line your entire skull. But even something about that becomes alluring. Like when you’ve reached that point you’ve really pushed yourself hard, like now at that point you are deserving of that single piece of toast or of those cookies. at a certain point in the day you get almost kind of hyper; you’re funnier and seem to be full of energy, but really your body is just getting ready to crash. your friends comment on how much more fun you are.


after a while i can fit into jeans i haven’t been able to wear in a year or more. after a while my love handles have seemed to smooth out and my stomach is nice and flat. after a while you feel calmer more often, or maybe it’s numb. i’m not really good at telling the difference, never really have been. but after a while things just don’t bother you as much. but if you let it go long enough then you get disinterested in everything around you. and that’s where you have to be careful. because you tell yourself you’re just doing this to be better, but if you start shutting people out how can you really get any better?


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