start over(?)

I don’t know where I should start. I haven’t journaled in a while.

So maybe I should say hello? Act like this is my first entry, start over.

My name is Naomi. I’m growing my hair out (trying to anyway). I’ve lost 10 pounds this last month because I feel better about things when I don’t eat. And sometimes I make myself throw up because I know I’ll feel better when my stomach’s empty.

I have a lot of issues. I don’t know how to be confident, or how to be loved. I don’t know how to talk to people when I need to. I don’t know how to talk to my therapist sometimes. I don’t know how to get better. I don’t know if I want to get better right now. I don’t know what “healthy” or “happy” really looks like to me.

Let me amend part of that; I don’t want to get better right now. Some day I know I will but right now I like not eating. I like how it makes me feel. I know long term and realistically it’s bad and it isn’t helpful and it causes more problems but I don’t care right now. Instant gratification. I’m not interested in or willing to do the work necessary right now. Sometimes my head hurts and I get irritated easily and I know it’s because I haven’t been eating but I don’t care at the end of the day. Not yet anyway. This is how I cope for right now.

Hi, my name is Naomi, and I want to study neuroscience. I think I might want to go into rehabilitation for patients who have suffered extreme trauma to the brain. I want to help people, because I’ve always been better at helping others than I am at helping myself. I’ve always been better at loving and encouraging others than I have been with myself.

I never was shown how to love myself when I was little. I was never shown how to deal with myself constructively when I got upset. I was never shown that I was interesting when I was kid and I was never shown that I was worth something when I was a kid. My mom was always playing bejeweled on the computer. My sister Chloe was always yanking both my parents around and so they focused more attention on her because they walk on eggshells around her. She ran away from me whenever I wanted to play with her and she slammed doors in my face and pinched my arms till I bled and gave me indian rug burns until I cried. My sister Emily is 11 years older than me and so obviously was busy with being a teenager and having fun. My dad has always been working and more wrapped up in his emotional drama than anyone else’s. My dad sometimes makes me feel like if I wasn’t so screwed up physically and emotionally maybe he’d be able to be happier. My dad sometimes makes me feel like it’s my fault he’s so messed up.

My ex only wants me for sex. And he’s made this clear many times. All any guy has ever wanted me for is sex. Sometimes I feel like that might be the only thing I’m good for so if I got fat and ugly no one would be interested in me. Sometimes I question if anything I have to say or want to do actually matters. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would take any interest in me at all if I wasn’t good looking.

I’m not good at asking for help. Probably because whenever I have in the past no one has ever been able to say whatever it was I needed to hear to feel better. And I also usually have no idea how to bring up my issues. I have a hard time knowing what selfish is. I feel like it’s selfish of me to put my problems on other people. I feel like it’s attention seeking in a bad way. I feel like I should be able to deal with my shit on my own and if I can’t do it then I’m failing and that’s probably due to how my parents would put me in my room alone until I calmed down. And that’s probably due to watching my dad and Chloe put all thier issues on anyone willing to listen. I feel like at this point expecting anyone to always be there for me is suicide. It’s asking to be let down. It’s a stupid and bad idea.

I hate being dumb. I hate looking dumb. I’m not good at gracefully admitting fault or that I was wrong or that I’m stupid. I don’t really have anyone to blame for this one.

I’m not sure what else I’m trying to say here. Or what else I want to say. I’m feeling raw. I’m feeling like I just cut myself open again. I’m also feeling like I haven’t had much to eat today so that probably is part of it.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to or if I’m allowed to blame others for these things. I don’t know if that’s really helpful. I don’t know if not blaming others means everything bad that’s happened and that I am is my fault. I feel like that last part has to be true though if I’m not supposed to blame others.

Maybe blame isn’t the right word. I’m not sure what other word to use though.

I fixate on trying to piece together every piece of my life to see how everything has contributed to where I am. But I don’t feel like it’s that helpful in reality. For one thing there aren’t easy answers to a lot of it. There’s lots of factors that it would be easier to ignore. Like my dad’s affair, especially because I was so young when it happened so it just makes me feel like analyzing how it affects me now is dramatic cuz I don’t even remember it.

Or my auto immune disease, because that’s literally just something that happened and me fixating on it like that is just me continuing to try and build my life narrative by finding patterns but all that does is make me feel like a victim all the time which isn’t healthy either.

I get scared of being vulnerable because I feel like no one will listen to me and no one will understand and I’ll just get shut down. I’m scared of people arguing with me about how I feel or the reasons for why I feel it. That’s why most times being in my head, as awful as it is sometimes, is still safer than anywhere else. I’d rather be alone than listen to others try to tell me how I’m feeling or why I’m feeling that way. Than listen to someone judge me for feeling whatever way I feel.

It feels like everyone’s smarter than me sometimes. I know I’m intelligent but it still feels like everyone else knows more than I do. That’s why it’s hard for me to trust myself and my own experience. Other people talk with so much confidence it’s hard for me to find the room to stand my ground.

I don’t trust my own experience or my own feelings because I’m always looking and seeing how other people are feeling and experience it. I put their side above mine. I forget that mine is just as important. Sometimes I wonder if mine is as important.

The only thing I want is to be able to tell someone in my day to day life all of this. But I don’t know how. And I also wouldn’t want them to do anything other than listen. I wouldn’t want them to say anything. I wouldn’t want them to ask if I’d eat recently. I wouldn’t want them to ask if I was hungry or to start watching me at meal times to see if I eat. Because if I’m going to tell someone any of the stuff in here I want to tell them all of it. I want to be understood. I want to be listened to. I don’t want someone to tell me what to do to feel better after I tell them this. I don’t want them to look at me differently. I don’t want them to think of me differently. I want to stay the same Naomi they already know, just maybe a little more human.

But like I said I’m not good at bringing things like any of this up. It’s not exactly day to day casual conversation. It’s not exactly an easy topic. It’s heavy. It’s serious. It’s big and it would take up space in their life too, not just mine. And I hate taking up space in people’s lives. I like being the one they have fun with or who they forget about the bad things with. I like helping make more room for them by helping them with their issues. I don’t like being selfish by taking up space too. And no one has ever made it clear to me that I already have the space, that they already made room for me without me having to ask. That’s what I mean when I say I don’t know how to love or what it feels like when someone loves me. Love is a very foreign language to me. I have no idea how to speak it. I have no idea how to ask for what I need from others because I have no idea if they love me enough to actually comply or to try. I don’t know anyone who I feel like has ever really listened to me or what I had to say about something serious in my life.

I don’t know where else to go, what other can of worms to open up here. I don’t know if this is where I want to end it or if it’s how I want to end or even how to end it in the first place. But I don’t know what else to say right now. So I guess for now I’ll sign off.

I let you get back to your life, if you stopped long enough to read all of this. Sorry for taking up some time in your day, but thank you for making some time for me if you did. I appreciate it.

Talk to you later.

Naomi.

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