I thought I had almost created you this last week. I thought I somehow hadn’t been careful enough the last time and that something happened and you had been conceived.
I’m glad that you weren’t. Please don’t take that the wrong way. But I’m not ready for that. And I honestly have no idea what I would have done if forced into making some kind of decision.
Because for those few days I was forced to think about the What If’s behind my period being two weeks late, I knew that I would have loved you more than anything else in the world I have ever thought that I loved. I knew that to have you only to give you up to another family who could better care for you would kill me. I would never be able to sleep if I couldn’t actively be your mother. If I couldn’t hold you and shower you with love and make sure that you always felt wanted and safe. So, so loved.
Baby, if I had been pregnant you would have given the word love a whole new meaning for me. I would feel in my entire being the fiercest of affection for you, little one. And it would have killed me because despite that intense love I feel for you, I would have seriously considered an abortion…
And I will be honest with you Baby, because I really do love you, and I try to make a point of being honest with those that I love, but despite how deeply my love would be for you, I would more than likely have opted for the abortion. And Baby, that would have killed me. I would have written you a letter nearly exactly like this one, trying to make sure that you knew how deeply I cared for you, but I had been forced to make an incredibly tough decision and I had chosen to do what was best.
And I know that had certain people somehow found that letter (or even this one), they would say I couldn’t possibly have loved you enough, because if I had I would have carried you to term. I would have brought you into this world for better or for worse. But Baby, if ever this happens, I would ask you to not listen to those hate filled voices. If I ever did have to make that decision it would be the hardest decision of my life. It would be made delicately and I would think of you every day for the rest of my life. I would wonder what we might have done that day or where we might be if I had gone through with it. I would wonder what your favorite food would be, if you would have my nose or your dad’s, if you would like reading or watching movies more. I’d wonder what kinds of things would place a gentle flutter in your stomach, if mountain sceneries would have excited you the same way they excite me.
Baby, I don’t want you to ever think for a second that just because I decide not to have you that means that I didn’t love you more than I loved anything else. But some things are too hard. And maybe there is one truth to those nasty people who would say I didn’t love you, and that may be that I wasn’t brave enough. Baby, I’m scared of gaining weight. I’m scared of what others would have thought about me. I would have been scared to have to talk to your dad about it, because I don’t really know your dad very well at all. I would have been ashamed to tell my family, not because of you but because of the act that created you and the age that I am. Baby, I would have been terrified, not only of having to make that decision, but about what that would mean if I chose to carry you to term. Sometimes, Baby, fear can speak louder than love. And that is one of the ugliest truths of the world.
Words cannot convey the level and amount of pure affection I felt towards what I thought might have been you these last couple of days. Despite my anxiety and my fear of what it would mean, what shined through that was my love for what would have been you. Baby, if if I became pregnant at the right time, I wouldn’t hesitate to keep you. You would make my world. My world would become you. I can feel it in every fiber of my being how devoted I would be to you, Baby. My mission in life would become making sure you had everything you needed and wanted, it would be to kiss you every day, it would be to tell you that I loved you every night and tuck you into bed. My goal would be to make you laugh always, and to hold your small hands when you were sad and wipe your tears from your little face. I would have made sure you knew how deeply I cared for you. I would have loved you more deeply and seriously than I have ever loved anything before.
Baby, I just wanted you to know that. In case something like this ever happens again but it’s real. I’m glad I didn’t have to make this decision. But I still just needed to say to my Almost Little One: I got a peek at the kind of love I am capable of feeling these last few days, even if it was mixed with pure terror. That love is something I know I will be seeking out now.
Your Almost Mommy