Holidays

I gave myself a whole pep talk this morning that i was going to be happy no matter what because its christmas and for once i wanted to have a good christmas and now were here and it didnt fucking work. Idk what im supposed to do???

Emily and chloe both have guests over. Significant others. And its fucking annoying because it leaves me the odd one out and I guess maybe its karma for when its just me and Emily and Chloe and this is how Chole feels but then why doesnt Emily have a similar thing happening??

I just want to go to my room so that i can cry to get it out of my system and go back down here to fake through it better but i cant because Emily will follow and confront me to see whats wrong because i know shes noticing but i feel so stupid telling her that “i just dont like that you have a boyfriend whos coming over to family events because i feel like im losing you when hes here. He makes you different.”

I hate that her boyfriend is trying so hard and taking pictures with me. I hate that i feel like im on some kind of exhibition. I hate that i cant just shut this out and pretend to be happy to make this easier for everyone else.

I hate that i cant just be fucking happy for once and that these things bother me so much because i really really wish it didnt. I wish that i didnt feel shitty because im the one at xmas without my own person. I hate that i feel like crying on christmas.

Fuck this.

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