Timing.

I know i said things on my end would be ok if you decided us being friends wasnt in your best interest rn. And mostly thats still true. But right now I hate it. I hate not wanting to talk to you until you can figure your shit out. I hate that i dont feel like i have someone i can spit out my random unconnected thoughts and gibberish to. And it wouldnt be like this if my grandma hadnt passed this week but she did and i would probably be talking to you about this shit but i dont feel like i can and i hate it and i think its so stupid. I dont like you as more than friend. I dont know how to go about convincing lexi this. I do know that i still want you to be my friend. I do know that a large part of me just feels kind of alone right now because all i want is someone to listen and youve been my person for that. And now i dont have it and i dont know what to do and i dont know how much of my grieving is over my grandma and how much of it is over you and i hate it. I hate this situation and i hate how you were so quick to decide to throw me out of your life for a second there on monday. That felt so shitty. It reminded me of all the times i wasnt good enough and all the times i had felt like no one would or could ever really love or appreciate me as a person because i would always some how fuck it up. Because at the end of the day all i am is something pretty look at but still just a bitch inside. I hated that. I hated how you made my chest scrunch up with two stupid words. “We’re done.” I hate how much anger was sitting behind them. I hated it. The whole interaction the whole situation i hate this weird limbo place we’re in now where we both kind of avoid each other but try not to make it obvious. My friendship with you has been one of the most natural and easy things ive ever experienced and i hate that its being ruined by something like this and i hate how i dont feel like i can send this to you while you figure your shit out because it could influence your decision and make you feel bad. I fucking hate feeling like i need to censor myself in regards to you. I hate how i never seem to have my best friend when i really need them to be there. I hate how the only reason we cant be friends is because of a stupid fucking high school relationship and i hate how i cant just say that to you because youve given her a promise ring and plan on marrying her. I fucking hate every side of this situation. I just want to have one of my best friends back. I hate that this has to be so complicated. I hate that my grandma died and that its the week before Christmas. I hate not having you here in my life.

Wrote this about Sam two nights ago when i practically cried myself to sleep because of all this shit happening in my life rn and im not down for like any of this wow. 

Like tbh idk that “friend” describes my feelings toward Sam but its definitely not romantic OR sexual. It’s just like we have a really special connection (at least on my end) and like ive never had that before with anyone so even if i DID starting liking him as more one day i wouldnt want to risk what we have now because i like what it is now. I dont have any want or need or desire for it to change. 

Ive always been a firm believer that some relationships you make with people cant fit into the predesignated boxes society has set up. Feelings and interactions and relationships are just too complex on both ends for it to be that simple. And my relationship with sam is one of those grey areas so i can see why lexi might be uncomfortable with it but im perfectly comfortable in the not completely clear-ness of our friendship and i dont think i can apologize for it? Like i rarely ever just let myself act based on raw feelings and nit rationalize but i can do that with sam and it hasnt led to any kind of inkling of a romantic feeling which is why im not even remotely worried about things on my end. Its his and hers that could be affected.

I just want to let myself be selfish this one time. I just want to get to keep one of my closest friends for once in my life but please.

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