this is a strange feeling or maybe realization i’m having.
i’m happy. but it’s like i can’t accept that i’m happy because i feel like i could definitely be happier. and things could definitely be better. and i don’t have all the things i want right now. and i’m still making stupid and impulsive decisions that probably aren’t good for my emotional health in the long run.
but in reality i’m actually in such a good, supported place.
even if i don’t have sophie.
even if i don’t necessarily feel like i have “my people”.
i definitely have some people.
the place i work almost feels like home to me, and that’s such a cool thing to say about my place of employment, especially when I’m only 17 and it’s only a hardware store and i’m only a cashier. but i genuinely love the people there. and it’s going to be so weird when next year i’m not working there anymore because I’m living with my sister in another city going to community college and finishing up high school through that.
and at school i have people; not quite people who mean as much to me as like Halie or Logan but still people.
i have kaleigh who really, truly does light up my day everytime I see her. There’s Casey and Sydney and Joanna who just make me laugh until I’m blue in the face. Stacy and Kenzie and Sam J who are just silly. Kami who listens to everything I have to say and cares too. And Sam M who is probably pretty easily my best friend. I don’t know how to explain him or me or us. I’ve applied the term brother but idk. And Savanna who makes me laugh and is someone I feel like I can genuinely talk to as well. And there’s others who I see throughout the day and they all help make it a little brighter too but in smaller ways.
but it’s still just… it feels good but it doesn’t feel right. Like it’s a temporary solution and I would ultimately like to just have my more permanent solution right now rather than have to wait for it.
And there’s the possibility that next year when I’m moved in with Emily I’m going to be worse off than I am now but I’m in more of position to feel ok with risking that?
I don’t know. Things just don’t feel right at the moment.
And I don’t know what I want to happen with Doug. I don’t know if I want us fucking to be a one time thing or if I want to do it all or if I want us fooling around casually to become a regular thing I have no idea. I feel like ultimately I don’t want it. I feel like I’m just going to feel dirty afterward; guilty like when I first started masterbating and I felt like I was doing something wrong by doing it. I don’t know.
I just need another cig but I’m all out.