Is it so much to ask for me to be able to meet or find someone who legitimately falls in love me that I also like? I’m so sick and tired of this bullshit. Of feeling like no one’s going to be able to really love me for whatever reason. And it doesn’t make sense to me. But at the same time having that thought makes me feel arrogant and gross. But literally what is wrong with me that makes guys not actually interested? At least not interested enough to stay around cuz they actually want to be with ME and not just fuck me. Do guys just look at me and see a girl that’s insane? Can they tell that I’m usually teetering on emotionally unstable under the surface? Am I actually just as annoying as I worry that i am? What the fuck.  

I feel mad today. And sick of everything. And sad too because my car is totaled and because I have all these nasty thoughts in my head. 

And I didn’t eat anything today until 7:30 when I got off work and it was only a 6in sub from subway and it was only so that I could spend time with a co-worker and Sam. And until that came up I legitimately was planning on not actually eating for the rest of today. Because it felt good. It’s like have a physical place to put my discomfort and painful feelings is helpful to me. Even though it’s still unheathly. And there were moments I felt like I might vomit and it felt like that might not actually be such a bad thing. And I don’t like that I still think that way. Or that I still restrict my eating like this. But at the end of the day I don’t care enough to try and fix it for me. Not yet anyway. 

And I talked to Jared today for the first time in three weeks and it was really just because we ended up walking home together. And I mentioned he never texted me back in a casual way and he apologized and literally said “oh yeah cuz we haven’t talked in a while have we?”

Like ok dude cool glad to know you haven’t been thinking about me at all. Like not even because i may or may not have liked you more because i thought we were friends??? But I guess once school started and you had all these girls on your ass again it was like “ok so don’t need a distraction anymore I can focus on who I actually want to” like fuck you dude jesus fucking Christ like you don’t have to lie about wanting to be my friend if you aren’t even interested in hanging out maybe fucking say something instead of making me feel like a dumb fucktard thanks.

And I’m pissed off and sad cuz more than anything I’d like to have been able to get off work today and text or call a guy who actually liked me and cared about me and have him to talk to and whatever and instead I get Doug who’s just looking to sext and that’s literally the last thing I want. I just want someone to care about me and to hold me in my worst moments and for it to not just be Sam. Because even though he reacted perfectly to me crying in his car he isn’t mine and I also don’t even like him that way anyway.

I want someone to kiss my head and shake their head at me and smile when im being an idiot and someone who’ll hold me when I’m having a bad day and someone to cuddle when I just want to relax after a long day or someone to text just because and they don’t even think anything of it. I just want a person of my own. And they don’t have to be a permanent person. They don’t have to be perfect. They just have to genuinely like me and treat me nice and be funny. And I genuinely feel like it isn’t possible for me to find this and it’s so depressing and self esteem shattering to think that the best I’m ever going to be able to do is someone like Doug. I hate Doug and everything about him. And it feels like I’m never going to be able to do better than him. 

Fuck everything.
p.s. I wrote this thirty minutes and my friend Logan just called me out of the blue from college to talk to me. Maybe not fuck everything but definitely most things.

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