Doug and I are going to have sex this week. Just sex. 

And we’ve sexted twice already.

And after the second time (last night) I figured out my feelings about the situation. And it’s not that I’m not going to enjoy the sex while it happens. Im going to love the sex. It’s just that afterwards I’m going to feel gross. And alone. Because it’s not like I’m having sex with him because I really really want to, it’s because I don’t feel like I have any other options and I’ve decided that something is better than nothing, right?

And I’m already annoyed with him talking to me because everytime it’s pretty much the same. It’s a play to try and get me to sexy him more. And I’m already fed up with it and it’s only been a few days.

Despite realizing all this though I’m still planning on doing it. Even though I know it’s just going to give me gross feelings to deal with in the aftermath and I may end up choosing to do it again and again and again despite better judgement.

He says he missed me but we both know it wasn’t me he missed, what he missed was having something to out his dick into. And at the end of the day I haven’t missed him at all for the last three months so it’s not that it’s really that upsetting in regards to him specifically it’s just a low blow to my self esteem that I’m giving to myself.

Mostly just needed to voice my knowing I’m an idiot before it happens. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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