17.

I’m 17 today. And I’m sad.

The wave of depression hit when I was dropping off my friends after they spent the afternoon after school with me.

It wasn’t a bad day. I had fun.

It’s just that underneath all of that I feel so incredibly lost. I love them but I feel like at the end of the day they’re the wrong people. Not the ones I should be with. I wished I’d been able to spend time with Sophie, but she still isn’t really talking to me. She sent me a text today and all it said was happy birthday and that she was working a ton the next two weeks but she’d figure out a way to get me my present. That was it. Nothing else other than a few snapchats.

I’m just so incredibly tired. I’m tired of feeling like I have to work really hard to keep up my relationships with people. I’m tired of that feeling like work to me. I’m tired of my best friend not feeling like my best friend, because I haven’t felt like hers for the last few months. I’m tired of going through motions. I’m tired of my parents trying so hard. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired.

And I wish I could have spent time with Jared. Just cuz it would have been nice to have someone to cuddle, even though we’re not technically a “thing” and I don’t even know how I really feel about him at this point. Today I felt like maybe I was liking him a bit more than usual but I don’t know. I don’t know where he stands. I don’t know where I stand really. I just know it would have been nice to feel wanted and liked in that kind of a way today. Even if it was an obscure “I’m not sure exactly what this is” way. Even though if I begin developing these feelings I’ll probably just end up hurt. I don’t know. I don’t think I care much at this point.

I just feel so lost.

Part of me feels like today sucked. But the optimistic part of me is saying that it wasn’t all bad. There were just some bad parts. But it feels like maybe I just need to let myself be unhappy with today. I’m allowed to say that my birthday sucked. It kind of did. The person I considered the most important in my life right now wasn’t there. She hasn’t really been there lately. And that’s crushing.

I don’t know what to do. What I want to do. If I want to do anything.

I’m just sad. And it’s my birthday. And that sucks.

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