Journal Entry

so Doug drunk texted me earlier in August and we’ve sort of been talking since then? Basically told me that he missed being friends with me and also it did turn to talking about how the sex was and I openly asked if he was trying to make it a booty call and he said no so I haven’t asked about if he wanted to have sex again or not. I’m a coward. Plus not sure if that’s actually something I want?

Mostly we’ve been snapchatting, which is weird. And i’m not sure how I feel about. Mostly I feel like we’re kidding ourselves, pretending like we can be friends again. Like things can be like they were before. I feel like if he hadn’t been such a dick in the beginning, when he broke things off, if he had been honest with me from then on, then maybe we would have been able to find better footing. But he waited almost half a year to work up the courage to say anything to me. After I was pretty sure I’d made it clear I would hear him out no matter what and I would respect his feelings and his side of the situation, he decided to stay silent. And I took those 5 months and I moved on. July was where I really noticed I wasn’t thinking about him in any sort of capacity anymore; not even sexual what-ifs.

And I feel like it’s just not fair to my experience to just be like “ok let’s go back to how things were before we were fucking!” Because it’s not like it was just fucking for me. It was more because he made me believe it was.

Then there’s Jared. We’ve kissed a few times. Cuddled a few times. That’s about it. I really like the honest conversations we have afterward, where he checks in with my feelings. (Although it is only because in the moment I’m stuck in my head and that comes across as uninterested in him which is bad). But since we started kissing and stuff… I don’t know it feels less effortless. It feels like now we’re playing some sort of game where we don’t want the other person to feel like we’re putting in too much time or something? I feel like the desperate one when I’m the one texting him first and I don’t like that. I like how before it was just simple and we were just friends. So I guess maybe what I’m saying is I don’t think we should keep going in the direction we’re headed? Oh my god that’s literally exactly what I just said in this last paragraph.

But at the same time I like seeing where something has the potential of going. But this could be a situation that would just be better for us to quit while we’re ahead. I just know that I don’t like feeling like I have to guess what he’s thinking/feeling, and I don’t like feeling like I have to be so strategic with how I interact with him to keep him interested or not too interested or something weird.

And Taylor (the coworker)…

My sister is convinced he likes me. So is my other coworker MJ… and my friend/coworker Sam said he wouldn’t be surprised if liked me…

But i just… I like him a lot. Like I’m not sure when the last time I liked a guy this much is… But I’m super hesitant… because we come from such different backgrounds and he really is kind of screwed up emotionally in a few ways that I’m not sure I want to have to deal with? He has a few of what I like to call Chloe-Like Tendencies which are extremely hard to explain. Mostly it comes across in how he talks about his problems or things that are bothering him? He has depression and anxiety, suffering from a serious back injury from almost 10 months ago, self confidence issues, plus a myriad of other things.

Maybe it’s more of my ability to read and analyze people around me so well just simply saying “He’s not emotionally fit to be in the type of relationship you want”

But then I wonder if that matters? It’s just high school. He’s only just turned 18. I’m only barely 17. It’s not as if this relationship has to be one that lasts. It can just be one where we (hopefully) help each other to grow. That’s what I would hope and want from it. And I don’t want to get caught up in the idea of “changing” him because I know that’s not going to ever work, plus I got a tad caught up in that idea with Doug and repeating it would just be another train wreck for me emotionally.

So I don’t know… he told me that I’m pretty recently. And that people should be telling me that more often. And I about turned to mush. And he’s made me a bracelet and supposedly has bought me a birthday present that he put a lot of thought into and I’m just going to end up turning into mush again when he gives it to me…

fucking hell. that poem i wrote about him still applies. “but the pieces and parts just aren’t enough to recreate the picture I have in my head of you”

But then maybe they don’t have to?

So there’s the boy drama. Here’s the girl drama now.

Sophie has been making me feel like complete shit the last few months. We’re complete opposites of each other. We handle situations differently from one another on a regular basis. And she has a tendency to judge me for it and think that I’m making the wrong choices when they don’t agree with what she would do. I sent her a text telling her how she was making me feel on Thursday. She hasn’t responded or talked to me at all. In some ways I won’t surprised if she doesn’t respond at all.

I would go into more detail about what happened but I already wrote it all out physically in a separate journal and I don’t feel like going through all the mental trouble of rewriting it. It’s just not necessary right now.

But all this to say that I’ve gotten tired of the stress all this interacting with people is giving me lately so I’ve turned my phone off and I don’t know when I’m going to decide to turn it back on. Definitely not until Tuesday at least when school starts. But I might even go longer just because. We’ll see. I’m just really feeling that need to “get out; get away” again and this time I feel like actually listening to it. So I’m putting my phone away and if for whatever reason someone really wanted to get a hold of me they’ll find a way. Not that I really expect anyone to though.

So with that said, I’m also feeling a lot more introspective (if you couldn’t tell). So I’ll probably be making a lot more posts this week while me and my phone are ignoring each other. So look forward to that I guess?

Talk to you later.

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