July (…so far)

I guess I should probably give an update on things, huh?

there’s lots of developments literally in just the last week. Odd how things can go from stagnant to crazy in only a matter of days.

My mom doesn’t trust me when I tell her where I am anymore. And it’s only because Sophie’s mom texted her one night last week asking if she was actually at 0ur house, so that planted in my mom the idea that I might be lying to her about where I am. Even though I have literally never done that and she and my dad have never really been THAT concerned with knowing where I am/what I’m doing to begin with so suddenly having her on my back like this is fucking annoying as hell, especially when I confronted her about it and she just immediately backtracked to try and save face.

I’ve mostly been working since getting back from my trip. I hung out with sophie everyday for the first three days I got back (which was on the fifth) and since then haven’t really seen her much. And that’s kind of been on purpose.

We got shitfaced on Friday with our other friend Beth. And I got considerably more fucked than either of them which was kind of intentional because I wanted to see how far I could go (which is generally stupid, I’m aware) and I usually drink alone which is fun sometimes but it’s also more fun getting to do it with some other people. Well, I blacked out for the last 3-4 hours or so. And during that time I guess I said things about how much I wanted to have sex with random people (who I don’t actually want to have sex with, I have no idea what that was about or where it came from). One of the people I talked about was apparently Soph’s boyfriend, and she thought I was faking it and just being a bitch I guess by not shutting up about it even when she asked me to. It wasn’t until I started puking my guts out that she believed how drunk I was and decided that I wasn’t serious.

Thinking about that really bothers me. I know she was drunk too, but I don’t know. The fact that she apparently didn’t know me well enough to realize “k she’s clearly had way more than she usually does” bothers me. I’m not the kind of person who “fakes” anything; I like to be authentic and real and I guess it feels like she missed that part about me somewhere. And that’s a part of me that I really try to hold myself to and if that hasn’t come across to her yet that really bothers me. It kind of makes me feel like shit. She’s supposed to be my best friend. She’s supposed to be my person and I don’t always feel like hers.

And she’s going off to a new school in a few months and we’re not going to be seeing each other as much, especially if she ends up moving closer to the school. And she has a boyfriend she’s starting to put a lot of time and attention into and I’ve just realized how much I’ve depended on her these last few months; leaning on her after everything with Doug. And she was leaning on me, too, dealing with her own problems and low feelings and now she’s got another person. And I can’t be as dependant on her because she’s not going to be there every time I need her, and I don’t want to be expecting her to be there for me because when she isn’t it’ll just end up really hurting me and I’ve been in the place before of “no one actually likes me; I’m just a convenience/everyone just feels bad for me” and I really don’t want to go back there again. And being so dependent on her/another person isn’t setting myself up for success in that goal. I’m going through another streak of wanting independence and wanting to be all by myself in some ways. I’ve decided to do running start senior year and move in with Elyse even if it means I don’t get to walk with my class/have a real graduation. I got hit earlier this week with the feeling of needing to get out; that I’m putting energy and time into the wrong people and I need to be meeting new people. That I need to get out.

Since I got back I’ve mostly been working. I’m full time this month, with only Wednesday’s and Saturday’s off. I started snapping one of my coworkers. A lot. He starts it a good amount of the time too. I started falling in love with the idea of him but he moves to Utah in two months for college and I just don’t see how we would be able to make it work if I did decide to go for him. On top of this I’ve been talking to this guy, Jared, who I’ve kind of been friends with since like March but not like, super close or anything. More casual. And we started talking a lot while I was on vacation. On Friday he took me golfing and then we got ice cream (Sophie wanted us to stop by where she works; she’s friends with him too and planted the idea in his head I want a fuckbuddy, which isn’t EXACTLY true but I’ll get to this in a second) and it was really fun. We decided after that to try and go see a movie but when we got on the highway and my phone finally loaded it turned out the movie theater was already closed so I suggested we could go stargaze cuz I knew a good spot (even though it was cloudy) and he said alright. We talked a lot about a bunch of random stuff; having conversations, asking random questions. Laughed a lot. And at the star gazing spot he pulled the blankets out of his truck and laid them in the truck bed and for the first hour or so we laid close to each other but still kind of cautiously keeping our distance. At some point we started holding hands and I’m pretty sure he used the fact that I have ridiculously soft hands as a cover for why for a bit. And then it turned into cuddling, which by that point we were getting pretty tired and didn’t have much else to say so we spooned in the back of his truck for another 30 minutes snuggled up getting bit by bugs and his arms squeezing me every now and then “just cuz it’s fun”. There were moments I got worried he might try to do more because I really didn’t want to go there yet but he didn’t try anything further than that. Also, just a cute thing he does and apparently has done since he was little: every so often he’ll squeeze your hand twice while holding it. It’s like a tick, but he also reasoned it with the fact that “just holding hands is boring.”

And it was really nice. Doug never held me like that. Except one time and it pretty much immediately turned into more than cuddling. And it was just nice getting to be held and I just really appreciated getting to have that moment. And I hope I get to have more moments like that with him. This is where the complication of Sophie telling him I wanted a fuckbuddy comes in; there’s the possibility he could just want to fuck and not want anything more serious than that. I do feel like he does actually like me, but it’s still something I’ll have to talk to him about. I only see a “fuckbuddy” working out if they’re not already someone I consider my friend, otherwise it would feel too much like everything that happened with Doug. He was basically just my friend who I had sex with, only he lied during it saying that he was in love with me to keep getting laid. The hardest thing about the situation I’ve had to deal with is feeling like all I’m good for is sex and that my personality is shit. I’m worried that right now where I am, having a fuckbuddy type relationship with someone I already consider my friend could just result in me feeling like no one is ever going to be able to like me as more than either a friend or a hole to stick their dick in and that’s a shitty ass feeling. I’m still kind of fragile right now and I need to be looking out for myself and that means not fooling around with Jared just for fun. If I get involved with anyone I really need it to be out of a mutual attraction for a each other and for it to be at least a little on the serious side. It’s hard to reinforce that you’re loveable in a romantic way when all the signs seem to say otherwise.

And there’s a real difference between my attraction with Jared and my coworker. My coworker is more physical and also easier for me to see it turning into something legitimately serious. Jared feels a little… more unknown maybe? I’m not sure what exactly we would turn into. He’s a bit of a weird guy (not in a bad way) in general and I don’t know. It’s hard for me to explain; I just have a feeling that the potential relationships with them would be completely different from each other. Jared feels like he’d be more light hearted and fun, but it could maybe become more than that? I’m not sure. Guess we really just have to wait and see. I’m 95% decided on Jared. The 5% is just the small part of me that wants to hold out for my coworker because parts about him are more appealing. At the same time though, parts of Jared are more appealing too. I guess this is just one of those “what’s right for me in this moment of my life” decisions, and I really think that having a long distance one, while I’d be able to do it, would just be too hard on me right now. Plus, he hasn’t even really made any kind of a move. Just small things that suggest he might be taking some kind of an interest. From a rational perspective Jared’s my best bet at the moment. Plus he is pretty cute.

I’m going to Florida to visit my grandma(s) and see some other extended family in August. Finalized the plans today actually. I’m excited for that.

I’m pretty sure that’s about everything that’s gone on. I’ll write again soon.


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