Feelings are a weird thing. having to learn how you experience feelings is also a very weird thing, especially at the age of 16. Ideally you’d have at least the basics down by this age, but I’ve not been so lucky.
I can’t really figure out what exactly it is that puts me in sour moods, but today it was hard to feel ok. I felt mad and just generally negative. Mad isn’t even really the correct emotion/term to use, but it’s I guess the closest it gets.
Here’s the outline of What Naomi Feels:
- I feel unloveable, like it’s impossible for some reason for anyone to love me romantically. And I can’t really understand why the love I get from my friends and my sister isn’t enough for me right now.
- I feel unattractive but at the same time I feel the opposite because all the signs in my last (And first) relationship point to me being at least hot, if not coupled with a personality worthy of falling for.
- I feel like I’m never going to find a person. And I would be ok with that except that it feels like it’s not even something I have a say in. If I had the choice of love or not love and I chose not love that would be one thing. But instead it feels like there’s just no option.
- I miss the attention I got with Doug, at least when we were together anyway.
- I have a Huge Fat Crush on my 24 year old coworker and things obviously will never go anywhere with him because of the 7 year age gap.
It’s not that I miss Doug. I really don’t. I just miss the way he could make me feel sometimes. Like I was important or attractive or something. And then he just went and ripped the rug out from under me and basically said haha just kidding.
Here’s the outline of What Naomi Wants (cuz we haven’t done a new one of these in a while and I think it’s a little important to see where it is I want to be in the next year):
- I want to feel worthy of love again (or for the first time, not sure which is more accurate)
- I want to love myself again
- I want to be completely ok with where I am (with everything; emotionally, physically, with my relationships)
- I want a new “romantic” or physical relationship of some kind
- I want everything I already have to be enough
- I want to be able to cry and get it all out
I also have a bit of a crush on this one guy my friend was trying to get with back in April but it didn’t work out because he ended up dating someone else that she was kind of friends with. And he was kind of lowkey a dick about it I guess. And I don’t think she would approve of it at all and that worries me if I did try and go for him. And I feel like it might be something that she would consider a big enough deal to put a wedge in our friendship even though she’s already dating someone else.
AHHHGH. I don’t know what to do, basically. about anything. at all.
right now im dreading next December though because it’ll be a one year marker and if i’m not in a better place it’s really going to fuck my head up a bit and I can’t really figure out why. Or why I’m even thinking about that, really. Maybe because I’m a planner? I’m planning for my future potential breakdown over my first relationship. This sounds healthy. Great.
I also think a lot about what if I started up a purely sexual relationship with Doug. To clarify, by “a lot” I mean a few times a week. But it still feels excessive. This is of course because I miss the attention and I guess it would be some kind of proof that there was really something about me he liked, even if it was only sexual. But then logistically speaking that had the potential of actually making me feel worse about myself in the long run because mentally he wouldn’t feel anything. Of course if we did do that, I would set up a lot of boundaries in some small attempt to save myself from too much emotional trauma. Like no hanging out afterward, no being “friends”, no real talking unless it was in regards to plans.
Can you tell I’ve thought about it a bit?
Doing that would also mean me growing enough balls to message him something though. And it would also involve me throwing away a few morals since he is in a relationship right now (although this hasn’t stopped him from trying to cheat on her with mutual friend of ours Kenzie who is not having that shit).
High school is so fucked.