Moments.

I don’t know. Sometimes I just find myself missing moments that haven’t even happened yet; ya know, moments we’ve all dreamed up and moments we’re all waiting for. I suppose it’s probably a more intense want the younger you are, what with so many things left to experience for the first time and so many possibilities.
But then I guess this just means we all have to look forward to those memories that are waiting to be made in our futures. Maybe that’s the ironic part. When you’re optimistic for the future, you’re just waiting to live in the moments and have them be a reality, but when it’s said and done all they’re going to be is a memory anyway. And then you’ll just be waiting for the next moment. People like to say “life is just a series of moments” and they’re right. And we as humans are fundamentally greedy. “More, more, more. Give me more.” But we also want to be able to pick and choose those moments. Few people ask and seek out negative moments. We want our lives to be filled with joy and only good things. And the reality that things are never that good or simple for too long is what leads to us dreaming up these moments that you either sit around waiting for or these moments that you actively seek out.
I want to know what it’s like being legitimately liked back by someone else. I want to know what it’s like to be seen. I want someone out there to want to get to know everything about me, and I mean everything. I want someone to know more about me than me. I want a person; my person.
And what’s been really difficult lately is that I’m worried and feel like there isn’t anyone out there like that for me. That I’m so… abnormal and weird and just… not likeable in that way. That fundamentally no one will ever be able to be attracted to me like that.
There are theories that one of the factors humans choose mates based on is immune system combatability. And my immune system is shot. It’s shit. And it’s not like this is a huge thing that worries me, but it is something I think about sometimes. Something that doesn’t help how I think I shouldn’t be here.
There are too many mysteries to life that we aren’t able to and shouldn’t try to solve. I know this. That’s why I don’t think about that idea too much. I know it could be bullshit. And I know how hard humanity has tried (and yes, failed) to overcome our animalistic nature. So I just try to convince myself that we’re above that by now, as a species. Or at least that there are groups that are.
But still. It’s weird thinking that your body could be rejected by another person subconsciously on both the outside and inside; that someone could reject you on both a physical standpoint and a mental one is just a little… disheartening. Hard to comprehend. I like to think I’m not that bad, that I’m actually pretty great.
But I also feel like I’m a completely annoying know-it-all child.
I don’t know.
I just want to move away from this place. I’m in another limbo stage. The water had finally started moving me with it and now I’m that stuck rock again at the bottom of the stream. Dreaming up and waiting for these moments.
Moments I don’t fully believe I’ll ever get to experience.
Is life really a teacher? Are we actually here to learn anything at all? Is the universe just some huge practical joke and we’re just trying to find meaning in every little speck of dust because the reality that there is not point to any of this is just too morbid?
And if either of those are true, is it even worth contemplating any of this to begin with?
Well the answer is simply no. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth overturning every rock we find to see what’s underneath it; if there even is anything. Because the majority will probably just be barren anyway. And the ones that do have things under them are more than likely too complex for our still inadequate brains to comprehend.
So fuck it. I say fuck it all.
(I say this now but whether or not voicing this realization will have any sort of change on my disposition is yet to be seen).
So, sleep tight world. Keep dreaming up your moments. They’ll come one way or another. And try not to think too hard about the little things.

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