roadblocks and flat tires

i havent really wanted to face this until now and its scary

its really scary

i need to face it but i still dont really want to 100%. but its still scary.

i like limiting the amount i eat. i like having that exercise of control. that proof that i’m in charge of something. and giving that up is so hard.

i watched a movie called the road within and one of the characters suffered from anorexia and even though i don’t/didn’t suffer from that exactly there was still a lot of triggering parts and parts that i related to and parts that scare me.

i remember how good it felt to purge. how it seemed to relax some of the demons within and i remember how much i wanted to end up in a hospital bed for some fucking reason. the reason being that i wanted people to see i wasnt ok and i felt like i needed to prove just how unhealthy and unhappy i was. proof. justification. validation.

i get scared sometimes because the idea of going back more to my old habits sometimes seems like a good idea. having that amount of control and showing that level of self restraint is powerful. having that power over myself is…. indescribable? i don’t know what to say about it. but sometimes it’s just something i want.

I don’t eat a lot. but i definitely eat at least a meal and a half a day plus some snacking in between.

i’m either limiting myself or i’m just eating to eat and have more than i should. it’s a rare day that i remember what “just right” feels like.

i’m having a hard time. i’m still having a hard time. i don’t want to stop limiting myself from eating but i know i need to and it’s one of those forks in the road of which life do i want for myself and maybe my vision is just so clouded that i can’t really see clearly enough the real drawbacks of not getting back to being 100% healthy.

who am i kidding it’s impossible for this body to be 100% healthy.

i can pretend i have as much control over it as i want but at the end of the day the only reason it hasn’t killed me yet is because i’m taking three pills every day.

recently i’ve been skipping them about once every week or two. just because i can. just to see. i know it won’t actually hurt anything because these meds are the kind that build up in your system so if you miss a day it isn’t going to do any real damage.

but it’s just me trying to have that bit of control again. i just need to be in control.

and i’ve always struggled with feeling like i’ll never be truly loved by someone, that i might be unloveable. that no one will like me enough to stick around forever. i struggled with this especially in the past. and i was getting a lot better with it. or at least getting to a point of feeling like it didn’t matter one way or another. but then that whole shitshow with doug happened and it was like,

wow. i can be as vulnerable as i want, i can do all that stuff with someone, i can put myself out there like that for someone and I can go out of my comfort zone and there’s still not any guarantee that at the end of the day i will be enough for them to like me and want me more than anyone else. this is the hardest part. i let someone see my body at a time when i was still learning to really feel fully comfortable in it and to think that not even the physical things were enough to make him want me? that’s… upsetting. and difficult. and i’ve been quietly fighting with myself about it for the last three weeks when i finally fully admitted to myself that that was what bothered me most. it’s like proof that no one can stick around, that for some reason i can’t ever be someone’s number one.

maybe this is what i mean when i say that i feel like this life isn’t supposed to be spent looking and hoping to find my “true love”. i really need to figure out how to get to a place of loving myself unconditionally and actually feeling like that’s enough. and i can’t have the stress and risk of someone else’s opinion in the picture while i’m trying to do this because all it does is muddle things and make me second guess myself and my worth. and right now i just really feel like no one is ever going to want me. at least not whenever they get to really know me. I feel like there are a lot more negative things about me than positive ones.

but i also don’t feel this way all the time. i think right now everything that’s happened has just obviously really hurt my self esteem. and now i just have to figure out how i get it back up to where it was and i guess this means making healthy or unhealthy decisions as far as how i end up getting there.

i don’t know. i just know that i cried today again for the first time in a while. and this time it was because of how scared i was of myself.

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