sometimes everything just feels right.
I don’t know if i can say that i’m happy right now. probably just content.
I feel like the universe has me exactly where I need to be, and I always try to believe that but it’s rare that I can feel it in my gut that i am actually in all reality going in the right direction and that i’m making the right choices.
And I feel like that. For today at least. But it’s nice. I can relax. I can be productive if i want. I’m house sitting at my sister’s right now and i had a friend staying over with me yesterday and this morning and I dropped Sav off back at her house after we got breakfast at IHOP today and then came back to my sister’s.
I know that lately I’ve been avoiding myself. And i’ve been anxious about being alone and having to sift through myself and confronting the things that are bothering me rather than trying to get them out of the way head on.
I guess that’s a paradox within myself. If there’s a problem that involves another person I’m all in for getting it solved as soon as possible and moving on. But when it has to do with just me I shy away from it. I try to put it off as long as possible.
I’m pretty sure that my biggest fear is just simply myself. It’s hard for me to explain this without sounding crazy but I very clearly have two sides to myself. There’s the rational side of me that needs everything lined up and orderly and there’s the irrational emotional side of me. And i know that when I try to solve issues that I’m having with myself or a situation that I get into arguments with myself that turn into a vicious cycle. I shut myself down and then I just get more anxious than before. It’s like i’m constantly fighting myself. It’s kind of exhausting actually.
But lately I think I’ve actually been doing a better job at finding the middle ground between the two. I feel a lot calmer. Even though I’ve been avoiding being alone and having to think, now that I am and I’m thinking I feel… pretty good. I wouldn’t say that I’m head over heels happy with where the universe seems to have set me/wants me but I feel right. Things feel like they’re going the way that they should be.
This week was spring break and Sav and I had plans to go on a different hike each day Mon-Fri. We did a total of 4 hikes because Sav hurt her knee on Thurs but I didn’t mind getting to start resting a day early. And it was nice. The hikes were nice. The first day we did a lot of talking. Like, when I say a lot, I mean I’m pretty sure we got it all out of the way on the first day, because the next 3 days was basically silent with some chatty parts here and there but it was nice. It was nice using my body and reminding myself and it that we’re okay right now. And surprisingly I didn’t feel any chest pains, though I was expecting it the whole time.
And having an entire 10 days away from the situation with Doug? That was… really nice. The hikes I think helped with that too. There wasn’t a lot of… thinking (which is normal for me when I’m hiking and is exactly why I like it), but more of just… I don’t know I guess just feeling the emotions? I wouldn’t say that he was the main thing that I sorted through emotions about, but he was one of the big ones. And I feel… I don’t know. I feel better but still not completely sure of if I should keep trying to help him. He’s not my problem. And I can’t help him unless he wants to help himself first. It’s just frustrating I guess because I know and can see how much of a good guy he could be but he just… he avoids literally every problem that presents itself in his life and sulks about it. He doesn’t try to solve anything. He just let’s it be a roadblock and goes the long way around it. And that’s how he’s treating me and I want to keep encouraging him to solve things because a, I’ll be damned if I let someone fucking treat me like this, and b, it would probably be really good for him to see and experience and practice what real problem solving and moving on looks like. Because otherwise he’s going to be fucked in a few years when he’s in the real world and still doesn’t know how to handle himself. But I think there’s also something to be gained just from leaving it. Letting it end here. The End of my Chapter with Doug. It was such a short chapter. And that makes me kind of sad, but that’s also as it should be.
He’s a selfish coward. And I know that he could be more than that. And that’s what’s so hard for me; is the idea that I’m leaving someone who has so much potential when I could be helping them. But ultimately it’s their choice if they accept the help or not.
And let me also be clear, not just with whoever is reading this but also myself, that I am not in love with Doug. I don’t think I ever was truly in love with him. But he was still my best friend for a while there. And losing him as a friend is honestly harder than losing him as a “lover”. Part of that probably has a lot to do with the fact that we were never really “lovers” (let me also be clear on the fact that the term “lovers” grosses me out and makes me cringe to no end and I fucking hate it but I can’t think of a better term to use). And I’m okay with that. This may sound a bit weird, but I don’t really know that I want to be in love. I felt that way even before things with Doug started. I liked the idea of it at the time that things started happening but I think I also got love and lust a bit confused there for a time. And this also might sound a bit crazy, but I really in my gut feel like my life, this life, isn’t supposed to be spent with me falling in love with one person or with me falling in that kind of love at all. I don’t think it fits in with whatever my path in this life is supposed to be.
That doesn’t mean I won’t seek it out sometimes. I think it just means that it’s not my top priority. And that it’s not something I might ever actively pursue. If it ends up happening, then great. But if it doesn’t, I don’t know that I’d really be missing out on much. I think this life is just supposed to be about me. Being me and learning myself and getting familiar with the paths and streets that seem to go on endlessly inside my head. Because a lot of them still feel foreign, dark, and scary most of the time.
I want to be comfortable with who I am and who I am becoming.
And it’s taken a really long time for me to come even remotely close to feeling that way about myself, but I can feel myself getting there. Inch by inch, day by day. I can feel it happening. Slowly but surely. And I guess that’s what I mean when I say that I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I feel like I’m finally growing into who I’m supposed to be. I’m not even close to there yet but I feel like maybe this week or a few weeks ago I finally turned onto one of the last few streets before that road. Or maybe I finally stepped onto it today or yesterday.
I don’t know. I just know that I’m feeling pretty ok with not knowing. And that’s highly unusual.