An actual letter that I gave Doug

Doug,

Ok. I’ve let this simmer and waited to see if it would blow over for a month and clearly it hasn’t. If you have learned anything from our past interactions, it’s hopefully that I’m raw and authentic and when shit is bugging me I lay it all out on the table and shift through and when it involves another person I include them on it because that’s how you get shit done.

Mostly I need to get this shit out of my head and know that I’m being heard. Although there is still a 60% chance that this will change absolutely nothing and you’ll go on acting like I don’t exist and nothing happened.

Here’s the short of it: you did some shitty shit to me and are generally a fucking dick. I think you’re just confused and don’t know what you want. But that’s not exactly an excuse for hurting the people around you.

So before I continue, let me start by telling you my intentions behind this letter.

  • I’ll be honest, a part of me just wants you to have to feel guilty and bad about what you did. Because as I said earlier it was fucking shitty of you. And I’m human. And as such I can be a little selfish sometimes.
  • BUT I also want to help you grow as a person and learn from this mistake that our romantic/physical relationship was because if I can help you to not do this to girls in the future then that’s a major win for me.
  • I don’t think you intentionally hurt me. I think you just forgot to fully consider what effects your actions could have and I think you allowed your fear of fully communicating what you were thinking/feeling led to you doing shitty things.

This is all from my perspective. Based on your behavior, this is what it feels like from my side.

It feels like you used for me three and a half months and that I didn’t matter to you at all. That there was no aspect of our relationship that really mattered to you, be it the platonic, romantic, or sexual. I feel like all I was to you was something convenient, someone who happened to be there at the right time.  I feel like all I was to you was a pair of hands, a mouth, and a vagina. Because if I was really anything more, then you probably would have acknowledged my existence at least once since I helped you purchase your vape. But you haven’t. You’ve done exactly what you’ve done with all your past girlfriends even though I had you promise you wouldn’t in the beginning; you’ve ignored me and acted like I don’t exist.

I don’t think I can properly describe how shitty that feels? Realizing that to someone else your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and general existence didn’t really matter to them. They just wanted you for sexual gratification, for money, for food, for whatever other perks came along with it. Because that’s what it feels like you did. People aren’t objects you get to just play around with and have fun with. Actions have consequences and leading people on and treating them like dirt is such a shitty thing to do and you have a really bad habit of doing it to everyone around you. And one day things are going to stop working out in your favor. I hope you realize that.

And if you had just been upfront when you started having doubts that you liked me, if you hadn’t said “I don’t know what I want” and then three days later assured me “I want you” then things wouldn’t have turned out like this. I like to think I’m a pretty understanding and empathetic person. And I would have been patient with you. And I would have heard you out and tried to help you even if that meant that the conclusion we came to was that you didn’t like me. Because I can honestly say that I like being your friend more than I like being your romantic partner.

And that’s honestly what hurts the most. That we did so much and you make it seem like none of it mattered. That it doesn’t matter that any of it was with me. That it doesn’t matter that we were ever even friends. Because you got what you wanted and then you were done so goodbye Maddy because Kenzi is available again so why bother with distracting myself anymore?

Because I also feel like I was a distraction. You just needed someone to keep your mind off Kenzi and probably even Taylor in the beginning. And that also sucks. It just sucks feeling like I wasn’t anything special. That I wasn’t anything more than just…. There. You’ve made me feel so insignificant and unimportant and worthless in moments and that’s shitty as fuck. It feels like I as a person didn’t matter. Our friendship wasn’t important enough for you to keep me in your life in any form. You can’t go around dating girls and then ignoring them when you’re done, Doug. Unless they actually do something shitty to hurt you. Because that’s just being a dick. I did way more for you than I should have/needed to and you don’t seem to have actually appreciated any of it at all. In fact, it feels like now you hate me, like you resent me for some reason and I don’t know why. I didn’t do anything to hurt you and you still have me feeling bad and that’s so annoying and frustrating.

And I’ll be honest; I probably wasn’t upfront with you or myself regarding my emotions either. I don’t think when I said that I loved you that I meant it in the way either of us thought I might have. I think I loved you as a person, but I don’t think I loved you romantically. I think what I loved was your potential, because you have a lot of it. You just need to grow up a little more. You just need to learn how to put yourself first in a way that doesn’t hurt the people around you and you just need to learn how to communicate with the people who care about you so they don’t go around getting unnecessarily hurt.

You just need to act out of compassion instead of fear.

So, what do I hope happens now? Part of me wants to bury this and forget anything between us happened and just go back to being friends. But most of me just doesn’t fucking care anymore. To be honest Doug, the future of if we continue to be friends is in your hands. Because I’m not ok with putting in any more effort than you’re willing to anymore. I’m sick of it.

If I really did matter to you at all, then put in the effort of having me in your life. Or at least be civil; acknowledge my existence every now and again. Give me some human decency instead of treating me like the toy you got to play with and then got bored of. Because it feels fucking awful.

The very least you could do is give me my CDs that I left in your car.

Thanks for reading all this, I guess.

-Naomi

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s