ugh.

let’s count how many things are going wrong.

  1. i need a new phone because mine is slowly dying on me.
  2. i don’t have a car anymore.
  3. i don’t know if i’ll be able to work extra before summer to save up enough to be able to pay for all this shit.
  4. i let a dumbfuck boy use me; for three months i let a guy tell me he really liked me when actually all he fucking liked was my fucking cunt and mouth.

i hate everything. i just want to cry. i just want to stop everything. why can’t things go right for longer than two months at a time? why can’t i just get a fucking break. why can’t life just let me fucking be for once. this is fucking bullshit and i’m so fucking mad and sick and tired of it.

it feels good to be angry but i also just want to be able to just be happy and not have to worry about bullshit and to be able to just have things go right. just fucking once. please. i feel like things go good and then immediately after it just gets shitty again.

re: losing all my friends in fifth grade, making new ones in 6-7th grade, and then getting super fucking lost and hating myself in 8th grade.

re: recovering from my depression and eating disorder. 3 months later i get diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and go on prednisone and take major steps back.

re: finally actually feeling happy for the first time in probably 2.5 years and then all this shit happens.

and it’s not as bad as it could be. but i can feel how easy it would be to go over the edge again. to get bad again. to lose everything i’ve managed to scramble to gain. and that’s so scary. and i don’t want to. but it feels so much easier than trying to be happy and find the positives in this shit hole.

i dont fucking know. maybe i just have to be angry. my life is fucking shit. literally fucking shit. the only good thing in it right now is the people. and that’s really, really fucking upsetting.

i just want to cry and scream and stop everything. this is fucking bullshit and dumb and stupid and not fucking worth it. i feel like the world is against me sometimes.

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One thought on “ugh.

  1. the world is against us all – and that’s ok. sometimes everything has to burn to the ground to allow for new growth. keep writing. breathe deep. eat good, real food. listen to good music. write more. take long walks alone in the woods. breathe deep. write. write. don’t try to be happy. ever so slowly, happiness will come. then it will leave again. and i know that sounds like some pseudopsychoshit platitude. i know that. i know this. just keep moving. the world is always against you so keep moving…just keep moving.

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