Asshole.

I want to text you.
“How are you?”
“Whats up?”
You texted me today.
But it was only to ask if your package that I ordered for you was still coming on Friday.
You probably wouldn’t have talked to me otherwise.
My friend made me reply short and bitchy. And I both agree and disagree with that. Because I want to be his friend. I want him to know that I still want him in my life.
But maybe right now isn’t a good time.
I need space from him but at the same time I don’t want space. I want him to want to see me. But that means him coming to me. And I don’t think he will unless he needs something. Because I feel like our entire relationship was based on him using me to get what he wanted or needed at the time. Food. Sex. Money. Validation.
Did I get anything out of this relationship?
The sex was pretty good I guess. We only did it twice. And he basically bolted after each time.
He was good at oral.
There was really only one or two times that i feel like I really got everything I needed from him. 2 times out of 3.5 months.
I was used for 3.5 months. That fucking sucks. That is fucking shitty.
Why do I still want someone who is so emotionally immature and who made me feel like shit on and off for the last two months to be in my life? Why do I want to have someone who is so insensitive to be in my life? He literally came to me for advice regarding if he should pursue another girl and it hasn’t even been 3 weeks since we broke up. How much more of an asshole can you be? Why do I want someone like that to be in my life? Why do I still care about someone who is so fucking horrible? He’s awful. He’s a complete dick. A total fucking ASSHOLE. I need to move on. I need to get on with my life. I need to get the fuck over him. He isn’t worth my time.
But I still miss him.
I still want him.
My chest still aches.
But I don’t know how much its aching because of him and how much of it is just because of what he did.
Anyone can be a dick and do what he did. I would feel this way about any guy if they did this to me.
I don’t know if I really love him. Or if I did love him. I don’t know how much of my attraction was just physical. I hope it was just physical. The line feels blurred. All the lines feel smeared and ruined. Where do the boundaries lie now? Where do I go from here? Where do we go from here?
Onwards and upwards?
I guess that sounds pretty good.
This sounds weird I know, but I wish I could make myself soar over a field in a perfect high arc like a golf ball when you hit it just right right. I want to go far. I want to land hard with scraped knees and then pick myself up again and brush off the dirt and keep walking.
Onwards and upwards.
It can only get better from here, right?
But I still miss him.
And I don’t think he misses me.
Onwards and upwards.

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