things are feeling so surreal.
i don’t know if it’s the fact that i was practically high for a whole day and a half or if it’s because of what happened on friday night.
but either way i feel like im in some strange alternate universe all of a sudden.
i want to distract myself with other people.
distract myself from him and from myself. from what i’m feeling. about everything.
i’m willing to even create a relationship of some sort with my parents who i cannot stand to be around just for the sake of distraction.
i don’t know where i’m going.
he broke up with me because he doesn’t know if he wants a relationship a week and a half ago. he said he just wants to be my friend for now. 5 days ago and 2 days after that he was trying to have me send him sexy pictures so he could jack off.
he invited me to stay the night at his house on friday. his parents were out of town. i said yes.
he was on his phone the whole time. we barely talked. if i tried to initiate conversation it was fruitless. we slept in separate rooms. we hugged goodbye.
we haven’t spoken since.
i don’t know who i am or where i’m going.
but i know that i simultaneously want him and don’t want him to be there with me while i flounder around trying to figure it out.
i love you. i love you not. i love you. i love you not. i loved you. i loved you not.
i can’t even tell if he likes me as a person. i can’t tell what he’s thinking. he’s unreadable. that’s difficult and weird for me. i can read everyone. except him. and i think either he knows it and is using it to his advantage or he doesn’t and can’t understand why i’m not just able to assume what he wants me to do.
all i wanted was to wake up in the morning to his face next to mine. and i hate that.
but instead i woke up alone while the blue morning filtered in through partially closed curtains and washed out the walls in a black-blue hue.
and i hated it.
and i hated how much i liked seeing him when he came downstairs even though he didn’t say anything or even really acknowledge me. i hated it.
i hate him.
or, at the very least i hate that i can’t hate him and i hate that i love practically everything about him.
i want to get out. i want to kiss other people. i want to feel other people’s hand caressing my body. i want to give myself to others so he knows i’m not just his. so i know that i’m not anyone’s. I’m my own.
if this had happened 2 weeks ago it’s pretty guaranteed that we would have at the very least slept in the same bed. probably also very likely that we would have had sex again.
but it didn’t.
how can so much change in so short a time. it feels like nothing between us ever happened and like everything did at the same time and now we’re just back at the starting line with a fork in the road and an arrow points right saying “friends” and an arrow points left saying “more than that”. And now i don’t know where we’re headed. but i do know that i’ll be ok. i do know that i almost subconsciously wrote out “but i like it”. and i don’t even know what “it” is.
maybe i should trust my subconscious.
maybe i should just let go.
or maybe i shouldn’t.
i don’t know.