huh. just realized that “ugh” and “doug” rhyme. cute.
should i be moving on? should i be waiting for him? i don’t fucking know.
i don’t want to lose him
but i also don’t want to be waiting around like an idiot for something that may not even happen, or wait around for something that just makes me feel like a piece of shit half the time.
i feel like he only wants me around when it works for him. Like he’s using me. like i’m not actually important, i could be literally anyone and as long as they did what i’m doing he would be just fine.
i hate it. part of me hates him.
for being so fucking indecisive. for pulling me around. for kind of leading me on in a weird way. for not being open with me. there are so many opportunities for him to be open and vulnerable with me and he doesn’t ever take them. and then he also asks me to read him shit from my journals. why the fuck would i do that if you don’t open up to me about anything?
i just want to know that i’m important to him. that he doesn’t want to lose me either. but i don’t know if he does feel that way. and it’s frustrating. and sad. and it makes me feel sad and shitty inside.
i look back on our memories and i just… i don’t know what to think about them anymore. were they real? does he think about them too? what does he feel when he thinks about them? does he smile? do they make him happy? does he care that they’re memories that involve me?
i feel like i’d do anything to keep him in my life and he couldn’t care less if i was in his and it makes me feel like a piece of shit. he knows and is friendly with literally all of my friends. he knows and gets along with my parents and even my fucking aunt from Pennsylvania and my sister Chloe. I don’t know any of his friends. I don’t know his family at all. I don’t think I know about anything that’s going on in his life right now. I don’t know if I know anything about him. Like literally i don’t know if i know anything about this fucking kid.
if i opened up to him would he open up to me? would reading my journals to him make any kind of a difference or would it just give him leverage over me? something to hold over my head?
i just don’t fucking know. literally have no fucking idea. i hate not knowing. it’s fucking uncomfortable and annoying and i fucking hate it. HATE IT.
and i just want to hang out with him on friday and talk to him about this shit face to face. so i can get it off my chest. and so i can see what the fuck he’s feeling. but it probably won’t work out. I doubt we’ll end up hanging out. And it makes me really fucking sad. Ugh.