i want to stop writing about boys.
i want to write about me again. i want to focus on me again. i’m more important than dumb boys. i’m in high school. i know that ultimately first relationships are generally what shape how you handle future ones but in all honesty i just want to be me and enjoy these last two years. and if that means hooking up with a guy sometimes great. and if that means small romantic flings then even better.
but i don’t want to be in love.
i want to run away from it. i walked in with my hands up surrendering to it and now i want to shove it down as far as possible. if you could eat an emotion to stop feeling it i would eat love. i don’t want to love him. at least not like this. i want him to be my friend and i want us to enjoy each other’s company but i don’t want to be in love with him.
i have my whole life ahead of me. i’ve given him my heart but i don’t know that he’s given me his and now i want to take mine back and i don’t know how i go about doing that.
I just want to be me.
I just want to study the brain.
I just want to leave.
I just want to run away.
I just want to be surrounded by the people i care the most about.
I just want things to be easier.
It doesn’t matter how he feels. It doesn’t fucking matter because I know how I feel and that’s all that matters and honestly fuck him for making me feel shitty and worthless half the time that’s not fucking ok and i deserve more than that.
Naomi I know I have told you this before, but you deserve more.
Go and date Dylan. Go and date Logan. Go and date someone else. Try someone else on. Get a feel for other people. You’ve only ever experienced Doug. How can you really even know that you love him when you haven’t experienced how other people feel? His lips and his hands are the only ones you’ve ever experienced.
Be open with your heart but don’t let them consume or own it. Give yourself room to grow and expand and evolve. This is one chapter in your life and i’m proud of you for being able to feel such strong emotions, but they shouldn’t be wasted on this pointless drama.
Who cares if you lose him? That just means he’s losing you. And whether he knows it or not, he’s losing something that’s fucking incredible by not caring about if you’re part of his life or not. You’re fighting so hard to keep him in yours but you don’t even know if he wants you in his.
You need to move on Naomi. If he decides he wants you and you decide it isn’t too late then go ahead. Go for it again. Learn from past mistakes and try again. But if he never turns around again who the fuck cares. You’re a bad bitch. You’re fucking hot and sexy and beautiful and in his own words you look “mint”. It’s his fucking loss.
What do you lose if you lose him? A half decent boy who still has a lot of maturing to do? A boy who can’t be open with you? A boy who doesn’t seem to appreciate what you’ve done for him? That’s basically the definition of a douchebag. Screw him.
Love yourself more. Free yourself from this bullshit. You’re allowed to let go. Some people aren’t meant to be in your life and even it hurts and is sad thinking that they won’t be part of you anymore, that’s just a part of how life works. And we have to accept that at some point, Naomi. It’ll get easier. But you just gotta breathe. You just gotta move on. At least for now.
I love you, Naomi. That’s all that matters. That you love yourself is the most important thing in the world. And I love you. So we’re covered. Literally for life, we are covered. There will never be a day from here on out where we’re not loved or where I don’t love you, Naomi. You’re beautiful, intelligent, funny, and talented. You deserve a lot more than he is giving you. You deserve happiness and a boy who doesn’t make you feel like shit.
Naomi, you deserve a fucking break. So give yourself one. Breathe. Relax. Focus on your friendships. Focus on other boys. Give yourself some time and distance from him to heal. Revisit it later or don’t. Move on. Grow. Evolve. Act out of love, not out of fear. Baby steps forward, one at a time, one day at a time. You’ll get there. It’ll get easier. Love yourself. Eat healthy, drink water, shower, laugh, smile, surround yourself with beautiful people and things. Live. Breathe. It’s ok. It’ll all be ok. I promise. It has to be.
It’ll take some time but i promise you’ll start thinking about him less. Eventually. You just gotta distract yourself until he doesn’t even come to mind anymore when you’re bored. I know you have a lot of happy memories with him, but you also have a lot of memories of feeling shitty because of him. Concentrate on golf. Become good enough for varsity. Focus on your school work; get an understanding on what’s happening in Biology and Japanese. Stop watching the clock waiting for school to let out so you can see him or talk to him. Watch the clock instead to count down how long until you see your friends. Get excited about people other than Doug. Get excited about spending time with just yourself again. I don’t know if you know this but Naomi you’re a pretty cool girl. Like, pretty fuckin chill. Like, anyone would be lucky to hang out with you any day of the week and you get to hang out with you literally 24/7. You’re fucking lucky as hell.
Embrace yourself!!!! Love yourself!!!! Learn to be alone again!!!! You can do it!!!! Breathe!!!! He doesn’t matter!!!! You matter!!!! Naomi is #1 priority!!!!
You’re going to be ok, whether he’s in your life or not. I promise you.