uncertainty is a bitch

i find that i don’t like being alone anymore.

i don’t like sitting around not doing anything. i should be doing something. something productive. connecting with someone. getting something done.

i’m not going anywhere. i’m stagnant. i’m not moving forward or backward.

i’m a stone in a river that everything seems to be passing by and i want to pick myself up and move forward with them all but i don’t where i’m supposed to begin or start to make that happen.

i used to be fine being alone and doing nothing. and now i hate it. it makes me feel anxious. makes me feel like i’m wasting time. i don’t like it. it makes me feel kind of anxious and sad? it’s weird. and uncomfortable.

today feels like a waste of a day. i just want it to be over because i know i’m doing stuff tomorrow.

i want summer to come and at the same time i’m dreading it. what if i don’t have anything to do? what if i’m just sitting around the whole time cuz everyone is busy when i’m not? what am i going to do?

i hate feeling like this. i fucking hate it. like there’s this weight in my chest or like something is wrong with me. it makes me feel like i’m going to start crying.

i just want to go to sleep until tomorrow morning and then get this fucking weekend over with.

i’m scared and i don’t exactly know what of or why.

have i grown to be scared of spending time with just me? i spent so much time most of my life not hanging out with people and being by myself all the time i feel like now i have to make up for that. i’m not going to be here in this place in time for very much longer and that scares me. and it makes me sad. this is a good place in time to be for me. and it’s comfortable and i know that the unknown and the uncomfortable is coming really very soon and it’s terrifying.

why can’t it be easy?



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