i feel like people always see me as this steady rock.
always sure in where I’m going or where I’m at and always safe and secure.
But i’m not. i don’t think i ever have been.
and sometimes it just gets really tempting to do something really destructive. not so that I’ll die or actually get hurt. but just so that I can show people “i’m not as dependable or as secure as you think” or “i’m just as easy to lose as anyone else. push me away too much and i’ll break too”
sometimes i feel like a lot of people take me for granted.
if i wanted to i could just walk into the river and let it float me where ever it wanted to take me. and sometimes that just feels really tempting. just let the earth take me where it needs me to be. show me where I’m supposed to be. where i’m supposed to go. what am i supposed to be doing?
wouldn’t it all be easier if i could just float like I want to? ease in and out of places and situations? why can’t i? why do i have to be a part of a society that insists on having a clear and defined path?
i just want to leave.
i just want to get better. i just want to be healthy. i just want to not feel shitty anymore.