just needed to write about my feelings so that i don’t go crazy

i really need to talk to him about shit. I know he doesn’t want to though and that’s really discouraging.

but i don’t feel assured that he actually likes me as more than a friend.

he tends to be more affectionate with other people than me, and i can see why as i’ve told him that i’m not big on the PDA but still. I’m reaching a point where I don’t know exactly how much I care about it anymore.

I started this out by telling him i wanted to talk things slow, keep things “light and easy”. but obviously that’s not what this is anymore.

I told him I loved him after I got wasted on friday night.

He said it back. and then i said it again while sober the next day and he didn’t say it back. and we haven’t talked about it.

I’m a little worried that he only wants me for the physical stuff. And that makes me a little sad. Because I really really like him. I love him. And I wish that if he did just want me for the physical things he would have told me before I started to feel okay with letting myself start to like him more than that.

And i just…. I just want him. I want him. like is there any other way to put it? Any way that is less cheesy and fucking stupid sounding? Probably not.

I don’t really want light and easy anymore. I just want to be secure that he likes me back. If he really actually loves me back too then that’s great. But I don’t really feel confident that he has many romantic feelings for me at all lately. Especially since the whole drama happened when he didn’t talk to me for 2 days and then told me he was confused because he didn’t know if he ever liked me to begin with.

And I’m just tired of feeling shitty after I’m with him because I’m left with this ball of uncertainty and confusion. It’s exhausting. And i just want to be with him and be happy even when I’m not with him. Because when we’re together and I’m not thinking about things constantly and analyzing it’s fine. Everything feels fine and normal. But when I’m not with him/he leaves after hanging out with me I’ve been left feeling more and more… just shitty. Like absolute shit. Like, are you hanging out with me because I’m your best friend or because you like me more than that? Or is it both? (i hope it’s both).

and i just kinda feel like crying? fuck.

I just really really really really really really want him. I want him to want me too. And I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted anything as bad as I want this. Us. Fuck.

I never wanted to be this cheesy and ridiculous. Promised myself I wouldn’t be. But here I am. And I guess there’s no changing how I feel about the situation. I just really need to fucking sit down and talk to him about this shit. Because this is getting ridiculous, and I don’t usually sit around in uncomfortable situations that make me feel shitty because I know I deserve more than that.

Remember that Naomi:

You deserve more than feeling like shit because of some dumb boy.

You deserve so much more.

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