some boys dont know how to love

song by death cab for cutie. pretty accurate to how i feel right now.

i dont really know how to describe how i feel?

peaceful. accepting. sad. mad. shitty. okay.

he might not have ever liked me. i might have just been something to distract him from his ex.

i was going to let myself get really actually vulnerable with him. i was ready to communicate as much as possible and i was excited to get a chance to do that. to actually fucking talk to someone and be heard.

and he doesn’t even know if he ever liked me romantically.

i just want a hug. and to cry. i just want to cry for a solid 15 hours. get it out of my system. cry him out of my body so that all that’s left is me. raw and exposed me with no one else. i just want to be me.

i knew that from the beginning.

every time i like someone i get frustrated with myself and say “i just want to be me.”

i dont want to have to worry about anyone else or what they’re thinking or how they’re feeling. I just want to worry about me.

and i also still really want to kiss him. and hold his hand and watch him sing along to his stupid songs in his car.

and i also want to just hate his guts.

and i also just want to let it all go and just be his friend again.

i don’t really know 100% what i want.

i told him that too, in the beginning.

that he would have to be patient with me while i figure it out.

turns out that i’m actually the one who has to be patient with him.

does he even realize that he literally did to me what his ex did to him? she dated him and then broke up with him because he didn’t like him as anything more than a friend.

so fucking shitty.

i keep hoping maybe for some reason he’ll come to my house? just to like. see me. just cuz.

but he won’t.

i dont really think i regret it. i just wish it wasn’t over so soon.

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