what the actual fuck

i dont know why this even in particular is triggering this.

but this pit im feeling in my stomach

its so fucking familiar. it’s scary. it’s terrifying. it’s the feeling that made me not eat. made me feel like i was an ugly and disgusting thing.

i dont even know why im crying right now. or why the pit is back.

things have been so good lately. why is this happening? why do i feel this way?

i still don’t know who i am.

i don’t have the faintest grasp of an idea.

and so many people want to put labels on for me.

it’s like shopping and they’re all throwing shit at me they think will look good on me but none of it feels right.

responsible. reliable. smart. sarcastic. bitchy. funny. genuine. witty. laconic. closed off. immature.

which one fucking is it?

all of them? none of them? some of them?

why does it feel so fucking cloudy? how do you even go about explaining to someone that you don’t feel like you have an identity? Who am I? who the actual fuck Am I? who is this person in my head and who is this person i see in the mirror? is that supposed to be me?

I know what i like and I know what I dislike. is that really enough to determine who a person is? i don’t think so.

i never know what’s actually happening in my head. I don’t know how i feel half the time. I don’t fucking know anything about me. it’s the scariest fucking feeling in the world. all i know is who i don’t want to be. but for some reason it’s more difficult to avoid than one might think.


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