ugh.

im so mad. pissed off. aggravated. annoyed. upset.

he sent a snapchat to his friend saying “i made her cum”

she showed it to our mutual friend.

why do you have to fucking spread shit? ever think maybe that was only meant for you, the recipient, and not her? I’ll fucking tell people on my own time. at this rate everyone’s going to know all about my shit. Aren’t I allowed to be a private person? To keep my feelings to myself? At least to some extent? I don’t need the whole world knowing all about me. I don’t even know about me. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I’m ok that he told her. Do i wish he had done it in a way that was a bit more respectful and less boastful than a photo that simply said “i made her cum”? of fucking course i do. but i cant change that or decide how he shares his life events.

and now im fighting the feelings of how others see me.

Alana, the friend who wasn’t told explicitly by either Doug or me, is my best friend.

I played it off like it didn’t really happen and he was just being an idiot.

“all we did was kiss a bit.”

“and tbh i was kinda like ‘whoa, i ¬†would never think that naomi would that, that soon'”

does this make me a slut in her eyes?

am i whore now cuz i decided i wanted to have fun? cuz i feel like im pretty much ready? why does everyone see me as some little fucking girl? or is that they see me as someone too responsible to just “throw it away” like that? its my fucking body. you dont know how im going to choose to use it. dont ever fucking act like you do. its me and its my body.

when she saw the hickeys she reacted like she was grossed out.

“youre both just like, still little kids though!!!!”

innocent, innocent little naomi. a people pleaser. responsible. reliable. does things for others. innocent.

fucking bullshit.

why do other people have such audacity to act like they know other people? act like they know exactly what they’re going to do or say or how they’ll react? its not fucking fair especially when the person themself that you’re putting all these expectations on doesn’t even know who the fucking hell they are.

i look in the mirror and usually i still see a stranger. why am i not allowed to just be a fucking human being? why do my actions need to be mapped and studied until people can pin me down as “predictable”? im a human. im not a fucking lab rat.

theres so much fucking pressure all the time. “you’re so grown up” “you’re still a teenager, get over yourself” “you think like an adult but you still talk and act like a kid sometimes” am i supposed to be a kid or a responsible fucking adult? why can’t i be fucking both?

why do you need to share your fucking opinion on who the fuck you think i am with me? why the hell are you even entitled to have that opinion in the first place? so many people want to label others. why do labels feel so comforting to so many people? what about it makes us feel more secure?

“gay” “straight” “boy” “girl” “single” “taken” “married” “boyfriend” “girlfriend” “wife” “friend” “lover”

why can’t i just have one label and it be “Me”?

all i fucking want is to be left alone to be “me” whoever the fucking hell that is. i dont need your thoughts on who that is supposed to be or who you think that is.

god why can’t everyone just fucking leave me alone?

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