the kiss

we kissed. and it wasn’t at all like how they write it in books or show it on tv. It was more clumsy, it was very nervous… and yeah it was cute. 

for the first, like, hour, after he left i was freaking out. i don’t know what i want. I didn’t know if i liked the kiss. why do we even kiss??? the concept is so weird and ridiculous “here let us press our lips together to show affection” like what the hell. Do i even like kissing? i still don’t really know what i want or how exactly i feel but i do want to kiss him again?

how can i describe it…

well first he was getting up to leave and very hastily gave me a quick peck on the lips, it was crooked and… pretty horrible. and because i was nervous and did NOT want that to be our kiss i blurted out “oh my god that was bad” and immediately had to backtrack realizing how bad that would sound in his ears.

“nononono i mean that it was just… awkward? you weren’t bad it was just the kiss… you’re not hurt right?”

“no why would i be hurt?” he’s getting up to walk towards the door and i call bullshit

“well it’s hard for me to tell when you get up and just walk away like that…” i follow him to the door while he’s putting his shoes on. “do you want to try it again?”

“ok.” his shoes are on. his stupid baseball hat is on that he looks so cute in. he’s looking at me from under his lashes as he leans down and in and i shut my eyes in embarrassment and nerves and his lips briefly touch on mine and i’m left in a ball of confusion not sure if that is really a kiss or if it was good. I don’t think it was. later examination would show me that purely because of the lead up to the kiss i did like it.

but once he left, and the door was closed… i freaked out. i didn’t know what to do with my body or my thoughts or what i was feeling if i liked it or didn’t like it if i wanted to even do it again if i really liked him like this at all…

kissing is weird. relationships are weird. everything is fucking weird.

but i like it. and i do want to kiss him again? im excited to try it again, how about that.

he’s taking me out tomorrow. we’re going to see a movie and i don’t know what else. and im like… mush.

i dont know where this is going… but for right now i think i like it…

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