Insecurites

Is it better to voice things that make you feel bad about yourself or should you try to ignore them until they go away? I haven’t posted or written anything here in a while (even though I said I was going to try and be better about it). And I think it’s because I feel… stupid? At the beginning of this year I had a very, very optimistic outlook. I was confident in myself and how 2015 would go. For the most part I was right, but I guess I’m just a little embarrassed about being so confident in myself then only to spiral back down now. I haven’t really voiced any of the negative things I see in myself until now, so here they are, My Least Favorite Things About Myself:

  1. My legs and sides are covered in stretch marks
  2. I’ve gained 20 pounds from prednisone and can’t fit into all of my clothes
  3. My face is STILL puffy because of prednisone (and I’ll continue to be on it until June).
  4. I made the mistake of cutting my hair a few months back and now I really don’t feel like I look pretty/myself.
  5. I’ve grown distant with a lot of my friends because of the time I was out sick.
  6. My best friends are only best friends with each other now, I’m like a third wheel.
  7. I feel ugly.
  8. I’m scared I won’t be able to lose the 20 pounds I gained
  9. I’m scared I won’t get my body/face back.
  10. I’m scared I could fall into bad habits again.

So there are 10 things I hate about myself. I just feel really lost. A lot of the time things feel okay. Kind of normal. But then there are days when I’m home alone and all I can think about is how I don’t have any friends to hang out with. I want to be doing stuff but I’ve fallen to the bottom of everyone’s “Who Should I Hang Out With Today” list. I don’t really know what I want to get from this. From publicly sharing my least favorite things about myself. I’ve also been thinking about the future, as I usually do. What I want to do, be, stuff like that. I have a few new ideas:

  • Psychological Analyst (CIA or FBI)
  • Humanitarian Worker
  • Maybe something with the United Nations?

that’s in order from favorite idea to less-favorite-but-still-an-idea. I don’t think this is a post that I really want to be all that insightful. I think I just need to talk. I’m trying to fix things with my best friend. It might take a while. You can’t imagine (well maybe you can) the pit that eats at your insides when she replies to your other friends texts/snapchats but not yours. Or when they ditch golf practice together to go get food but you’re not invited. Or when there’s a group photo being taken and one of your best friends asks, “After this, can we get a picture of just me and *insert other best friends name here*?” Or having to force your way into conversation. Or watching them laugh over new inside jokes you’re no longer a part of. I’ve been listening to Death Cab for Cuties’ new album every night while I fall asleep. I think I tend to listen to music while sleeping more when I feel lonely. You know I’ve been weighing myself like 3 times a day? How fucked up is that. I don’t want to stop eating but at the same time it feels like the only option? Why is that. Why do I have such a bad relationship with food. I’ve eaten a sandwich today and some graham crackers. What is wrong with me? Can you keep a secret? I don’t plan on eating anymore for the rest of today. I realize this post makes me sound like I’m crazy. I’m jumping back and forth between topics. I’m not crazy though, I promise. Just a lot of things have been boiling up inside me these past two months. I needed to vent. Thanks for listening. I’ll write soon, okay? This time I mean it. And I promise I’ll try not to hurt myself either directly or indirectly. -Naomi.

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