Is it better to voice things that make you feel bad about yourself or should you try to ignore them until they go away? I haven’t posted or written anything here in a while (even though I said I was going to try and be better about it). And I think it’s because I feel… stupid? At the beginning of this year I had a very, very optimistic outlook. I was confident in myself and how 2015 would go. For the most part I was right, but I guess I’m just a little embarrassed about being so confident in myself then only to spiral back down now. I haven’t really voiced any of the negative things I see in myself until now, so here they are, My Least Favorite Things About Myself:
- My legs and sides are covered in stretch marks
- I’ve gained 20 pounds from prednisone and can’t fit into all of my clothes
- My face is STILL puffy because of prednisone (and I’ll continue to be on it until June).
- I made the mistake of cutting my hair a few months back and now I really don’t feel like I look pretty/myself.
- I’ve grown distant with a lot of my friends because of the time I was out sick.
- My best friends are only best friends with each other now, I’m like a third wheel.
- I feel ugly.
- I’m scared I won’t be able to lose the 20 pounds I gained
- I’m scared I won’t get my body/face back.
- I’m scared I could fall into bad habits again.
So there are 10 things I hate about myself. I just feel really lost. A lot of the time things feel okay. Kind of normal. But then there are days when I’m home alone and all I can think about is how I don’t have any friends to hang out with. I want to be doing stuff but I’ve fallen to the bottom of everyone’s “Who Should I Hang Out With Today” list. I don’t really know what I want to get from this. From publicly sharing my least favorite things about myself. I’ve also been thinking about the future, as I usually do. What I want to do, be, stuff like that. I have a few new ideas:
- Psychological Analyst (CIA or FBI)
- Humanitarian Worker
- Maybe something with the United Nations?
that’s in order from favorite idea to less-favorite-but-still-an-idea. I don’t think this is a post that I really want to be all that insightful. I think I just need to talk. I’m trying to fix things with my best friend. It might take a while. You can’t imagine (well maybe you can) the pit that eats at your insides when she replies to your other friends texts/snapchats but not yours. Or when they ditch golf practice together to go get food but you’re not invited. Or when there’s a group photo being taken and one of your best friends asks, “After this, can we get a picture of just me and *insert other best friends name here*?” Or having to force your way into conversation. Or watching them laugh over new inside jokes you’re no longer a part of. I’ve been listening to Death Cab for Cuties’ new album every night while I fall asleep. I think I tend to listen to music while sleeping more when I feel lonely. You know I’ve been weighing myself like 3 times a day? How fucked up is that. I don’t want to stop eating but at the same time it feels like the only option? Why is that. Why do I have such a bad relationship with food. I’ve eaten a sandwich today and some graham crackers. What is wrong with me? Can you keep a secret?
I don’t plan on eating anymore for the rest of today. I realize this post makes me sound like I’m crazy. I’m jumping back and forth between topics. I’m not crazy though, I promise. Just a lot of things have been boiling up inside me these past two months. I needed to vent. Thanks for listening. I’ll write soon, okay? This time I mean it. And I promise I’ll try not to hurt myself either directly or indirectly. -Naomi.