Responsibilities

I should be doing a lot of things right now. All having to do with responsibilities and school, considering I have about half a month’s worth of school work left to make up and only three days left for break and a month left in the semester. And I’m at risk of failing three of my classes. And my teachers are not exactly champion at updating the grade book so things look a lot worse right now than they really are. I should be doing my math especially, since I’d really rather not have to do summer school and would prefer to get to skip ahead to Algebra 2 for next year. I should be making sure I understand how sentence structure in Japanese works and that I can understand verbally and written Japanese words. And I should definitely be working on all those projects for my Intro to Media Arts class that I currently have an F in. But instead all I want to do to is write/create/redo my room.

I’m not really the kind of “create something with your hands” kind of person. Drawing isn’t really my forte. It’s always been writing (okay not always, only since around 4th grade). I suck at using a pencil for anything other than words. But suddenly, and this definitely has to do with the New Year and all the buzz about change and improving your life and yourself that comes with it, all I want to do is make physical objects about how different and good I want this year to go.

I wrote my letter to 2014, and everything I said in it was true. I do cherish all the shit things that happened. They were good for me, they helped improve me. While I hate the fact that I’ve decided to wait until the New Year to sit down and want to do all this/it’s taken until now for me to feel the motivation to do all this, it makes sense I suppose. Everyone gets the fever in January. It’s new. It’s fresh. Really I hate that I’ve waited this long because a) it’s cliche and I hate cliche’s b) everyone else is doing it too c) in reality this is just another day and I know that and it could be April and I could still do this. But for some reason there’s just not the same feeling of empowerment behind doing things to change your life in April or in July. Odd how we put so much meaning into certain times of the year.

I wait to do most of my self evaluation until January, June, and end of August/beginning of September. Mainly because that’s when things change the most. I set goals for myself regarding school at the end of August and get organized. June I reflect over how the school year went and if I was successful in what I wanted to accomplish (I’m usually just under the bar. I need to work on that.) And January, as you can see and like most people, is generally for my self growth, although I’d be lying if I said that there aren’t random points throughout the year where I reflect on it, too. Usually there’ll be some self reflection in September as well since that’s when my birthday is and getting a year older is generally something that leads to some kind of thoughtfulness.

The problem with my spurts of wanting to create/being suddenly inspired coupled with my need to also reflect is that I often am at a loss at what to do with it. And then there’s the issue of if I did create it where am I going to keep said thing? I want it somewhere I can see it, to remind me. But I don’t want it somewhere others can see it, especially not my parents/family simply because, well, I just don’t want them to see it. It’s for me, not them.

The whole thing’s ridiculous. If I want to create something motivational for myself why can’t I just do it?

Responsibilities.

Well sometimes you have to do things for yourself. You can’t let yourself get too stressed out over school.

Time.

You want to get better at managing your time. Practice makes perfect.

This whole post is pretty pointless and ridiculous if you ask me but I figure this blog doesn’t always have to be wholly insightful and smart sounding. Plus I should really start getting more comfortable with posting less-intelligent and let’s be honest, kind of stupid posts if I’m going to get any better at remembering to write down my thoughts when I have them. This is supposed to be more of a journal anyway for my future, hopefully less ridiculous self in the first place. I’m going to have to start writing more like it.

So I guess that’s it for me today. Maybe if I end up making something interesting I’ll post it tomorrow/when it’s finished. We’ll see.

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