Baby Steps

As I begin my journey towards myself, I’m getting ready to begin high school, start driving, and worrying about college and the future. I am struggling with inner demons, finding what I want, who I want, who I am, who I want to be, and the people I want to meet and surround myself with. I’m beginning the long journey at a time in my life where I feel infinitely lost and confused. There seem to be no answers while also too many to count and they zip by too fast to grab. I’m trying to find a kind of solace in new books by different writers and trying to put myself out there (which is a bit of a difficult task and I’m still trying to fully get a handle on how to do that). I’m battling expectations of society bearing down on a young girl who wants nothing more than a strong sense of self and an independence big enough for her head. I’m trying to find my voice, in writing and in speaking, only beginning to crawl with the word “love” and what it means to me and who I apply it to, and just starting to create incoherent words about what I want from life and from myself and the people around me.

You are nothing more than a collection of other people, that is something I truly believe. But I wonder how, then, can you possibly be yourself and be who you are if you are only aspects of other people? I get my sense of humor from my friends and the foundation of my mannerisms and the way I act from my family. I have my dad’s face and my mom’s body and a personality that feels similar to that of my oldest sister. But I know for a fact that I am not any of them. Not my mom, my dad, or either of my two sisters. I’m merely a reflection. I show parts that I have picked up, whether they are negative or positive, and I struggle with the idea that I could be anything like my older sister, Chloe, who is irresponsible, in-your-face-annoying, and brash. She expects for everything in life to be handed to her, and that’s because for the most part, everything has been by my parents who value her tender feelings too much to be frank with her. I never want that. I never want people to shield their opinions because of my “tender feelings” or to sugarcoat things. I want to be held accountable for my actions while also being allowed to make my own mistakes and to own them as my own,  which is proving to be difficult as it’s easier to receive critique on all the things you have failed and done wrong from your parents than it is to actually be allowed to make real mistakes.

I want to take risks and to experience and to live and to feel fulfilled but the problem with these is that I have no idea where to start, how to start, and lack the confidence to put any of it in action. But I’m working on getting there. Baby steps. Slowly but surely. My biggest fear is to end up never knowing who it is I am or who I was. How can you know anything if you don’t even know the first thing about yourself?

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